Thank you all! It really is getting easier, but it still hurts. Thinking about starting a new thread. This one is a little lengthy.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Destiny, good to see you being more in control. It does help to detach/go dark. The pain is still there but it's easier to manage if you don't interact with them. I wish I didn't have to deal with my WH, would be easier...
Take care and link your new tread
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
so why are you going dark?? it's only been 3 months since he left right? was there a bomb before that? it sounds like not really, but that you had suspicions of problems occuring last year due to his attitude. or when was the event where you came home early and OW dropped him off? was that before december?
I read up on the long list of events on page one, but don't have time to go thru 30 pages.
have you read For Women Only, do you know the 5LLs? how long have you been dark and how dark, no contact or responses?? how long did you DB? if you did, 3 months is not long enough.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
While I am sure that DU appreciates all of the encouragement and support she gets here from everyone…
OP is right. She is going dark for her.
DU, don’t you DARE question yourself…
Quote:
I read up on the long list of events on page one, but don't have time to go thru 30 pages.
IF you had bothered to read the whole thirty pages, you would NOT be asking this question.
Quote:
how long did you DB? if you did, 3 months is not long enough.
Destiny is STILL DBing. She is doing exactly what SHE needs to do for her SANITY and her LIFE.
In some forums, going dark is equivilant to LRT. Here, it is not…and especially not in this particular situation.
This is MLC land, not infidelity or newcomers. The stuff that happens over here is NOT the same in way, shape, or form…
An LBS with a MLC spouse will and does hear continued barrages of spew for months to years with each contact with their S. And each spew contains some sort of horror that compares us to the Devil and makes us believe we ARE that bad. Oh yes, they are convincing, our wonderful MLCers.
This is a forum where restoration of M takes YEARS, if it comes, and we learn to accept that. We learn to do what is necessary to heal ourselves so that as the garbage continues we can rise above it and know what is real and what is not. We learn to take care of ourselves first and NOT join our S’s in their pit of despair.
Destiny wanted to attempt suicide ST. And every interaction with her H escalated that feeling for her. It took the people who are posting to her and her OWN hard work to get her to the very point she is now, which is still an iffy place. Destiny is not ready to deal with her H yet. She is not able to hear what he might accuse her of without letting it affect her in a way that could cause her to lose all ground and faith in herself that she has yet. She will be soon. That I am certain of. But now is not the right time for that…
Over here, detatching and going dim or dark is for us. Not as a way to punish them or stop DBing. It IS part of DBing.
It is the first step to our own healing.
If you had ever experienced a MLC bomb and the months afterward of crap (and believe me, she has had a bomb that has lasted 3 months, not one day, and it has only been three months since it started), you would understand that a little better. Do you really think it would be beneficial for her to continue being bombed everytime they talk until it has been “long enough”? When would she start to heal herself?
Everyone has to do this in their own way that is right for them. We do not criticize each others choices here. We may challenge them as needed, we may question them, but we realize that everyone has to make their own choices about their actions in their own time and way. This is a long road and while saving the M is the ultimate goal, it is not the only goal or even the primary goal. The primary goal is healing ourselves and becoming better people. So in the event that the M is restored, we are able to deal with the next phase of this, which is our MLCers healing time, because that it harder than our own and they will need us to be the strong ones yet again…
ST I would ask—
Please continue to support Destiny, in HER faith, in HER growth, in HER healing…
But please do not pass judgment, when you do NOT have all of the facts and haven’t taken the time to get them…
DU,
You are on the right path sweetie. We are all behind you and I apologize for stepping on any toes…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I asked ST to pop in and have a look, she provides good, faith based advice. Let's not run her off.
I've also had the pleasure of communicating with DU in the alt. We had a long talk a while ago.
ST, FYI, Destiny is a victim of major gaslighting. To the extent that her perception of self-worth was completely destroyed. Right now her going dark and ignoring her H is essential for her to regain clarity. She needs the lies to dissipate so that she can see for herself what we see in her. i.e. That she is worth it. That she is stronger than she thinks. That there are people who truly care for her well-being. The last time we touched base I saw that DU's own "fog" is lifting. Her shattered faith in God is busy being restored.
The priority above everything else is DU. DU discovering herself. DU freeing herself from the lies she has been led to believe. DU rebuilding her strength and rediscovering her faith.
The rest of the stuff? NOT IMPORTANT for now. It can wait.
You're doing well DU and you know how to get a hold of me if you need to.
