I have no idea. She dropped the bomb on a Tuesday night. The whole thing just felt in my gut like there was an affair going on. I asked specifically, "Are you having an affair?". She said,"No. Well, I'm talking to a guy online. But, no." She already had a bag packed and said she was going to stay in a hotel until she could look at an apartment on Friday. Then she paid me the ultimate insult and said, "You're going to be okay, right? You're not going to hurt yourself?"
I corresponded with her over email and phone that week. Pleading with her to go to C. We had a Friday appointment and I just went in and took the blame for everything. Set up IC for me and couples C in three weeks. C saw the real sitch after my first session and called to schedule an IC with W.
Here is where it gets interesting. She told me she would call in a few days and then fell off the face of the planet. Her mother called me frantically and said that neither she or my W's sister could get a hold of my W. She finally turned up Sunday night and was in a hotel (allegedly because she had cheaper corporate rates, yeah right...)in a town nearby the OM.
One cryptic thing she said in the Friday couples C session was,"There are guys interested in my body type." I didn't know quite how to take that.
One thing is for sure. She was very defiant on Friday. Much more subdued on Monday. I don't know what happened. I may never know. My gut is telling me something happened that weekend. I'd prefer to believe it was a simple date and not love at first sight. I'd rather not think of the alternative.
She moved some of her things out on that Monday and the following Friday. She took very little. A few baskets of clothes, tv, personal items. She did not take stuff she said she would or stuff we have duplicates of (dishes, pots & pans, towels). In fact 3/4 of her stuff is still here, but she did take almost all of her "marital aids". That haunts me. She leaves her clothes, but takes those... To be honest, I'm not sure they weren't gone the previous Friday.
The Friday she moved, I was cool and a cucumber and she commented positively on our conversation. Then Saturday I got too relationship-y. Sunday was our date which went positively.
So, you guys are the experts. Friday before: men-find-me-sexy. Next Friday: going-for-coffee-with-STBX.
It is not that I don't believe in D. This is actually my second go-around. I was married for about 5 minutes when I was 21. Ex-W had an A with her coworker. I walked in on it happening. That was an experience, let me tell you. So this ain't my first rodeo. But I do know what my gut tells me and it tells me something happened, but I'm not sure what. I may never know for certain. I'm willing to work past this, but I am coming to the realization I need to figure out what is waiting for me on the other side. I just know I don't want to go back to our previous marriage.
There is one thing I told her. I said I look at my life in chapters. There is the chapter when I lived with my family. The chapter when I went to school, had my first marriage, and grew into adulthood. And the third chapter was with her. And now that has ended. I'm starting my next chapter now. And I can write anything I want to. I'd prefer to write it with her. But if I can't I already know I can survive this. I will be sad for a while, but I'll move on and meet someone new. I just know from experience it is a tough road. Actually, I guess either way it will be a tough road.
Quote:
First things first, you have to deal with her affair.
Wow. I guess you can put me solidly in the Gandhi Approach. I've already done exactly that. I just didn't know there was a name for it. I was very diplomatic with it. I went with the least offensive OEA charge and said, "I don't know what is going on. I have my suspicions, but I don't have any proof." She went home to her parents for the weekend. I'm not sure what, if anything, transpired. She does seem more compliant.
Well, that is a lot more info. Anything I should be doing in the meantime?
--Fergie
First thing, if alot of her stuff is still in your home, do her a favor and start boxing it up for her and put it in the garage or somewhere she can access it easily.
You can start redecorating the home, I would pick a new color of paint and start working on making the place new again, that's your new project and it will help keep you busy. Once that's done, re-arrange the furniture and make it look like YOU live there alone because now you do.
You can't pursue a WAW or WAS. You have to let them go. Always!
She is currently pursuing someone else. She's admitted to "talking" but you can bet a few bucks more that she has engaged in some type of physical contact with the OM. Trust that gut feeling, it exists for a reason, over thousands of years, human beings have learned to disregard intuition & instinct as we developed verbal and written communication. Like I said before, trust the gut feeling.
Don't analyze your interactions on a daily basis, you'll always be questioning yourself regularly and that won't feel good at all. No more relationship talk, don't appear insecure or weak or wussy like, those are huge attraction killers.
Her mentioning that there are guys that like her body type indicates to me that maybe she got the feeling from you that you didn't like her body type and she has found a man or men that like how she looks. It's quite possible that she has felt not good enough for you for a very long time, and she is enjoying the attention and external validation that these other men are giving her, it boosts her self-esteem, the catch is that external validation and it's effects are always temporary, by its very nature it has to be, it's dependant on someone providing her with attention and when that stops, her self-esteem will drop again.
Contact her when you've packed all her things in boxes and tell her when she can pick them up (and do this soon, she doesn't expect you to do this, she expects you to pursue, she knows you're worried, so time for you to throw her a curve ball), arrange a time for her to pick them up, tell her you would like this done asap and if she doesn't have an apartment yet, she can ask her mom or her sisters to store the stuff for her. You're now cleaning up the place and getting it ready to look like a bachelor's pad, if she can enjoy the single life, she needs to get the idea that you can too ;-)
