dont give away the source of your intel...if someone you rech out to is double-dipping, they will explain how you know what you know...then he will become more secretive.
Good point. He doesn't seem to realize I can see the text messages (well, not the actual messages, just number and time sent or received). She called him at 1am last night and he told me today he didn't pick up because he knew it would make me mad. Guess he wanted some kudos or something. What he didn't seem to realize is that I saw the phone records and knew he didn't pick up the phone, but I also saw that they started up an hour of texting back and forth right after she called. So either he's fishing for how much I know about his activities or straight up trying to deceive me. It was REALLY hard not to say what I knew, but instead I just shrugged my shoulders. Wasn't really sure how to respond beyond that so I didn't say anything.
I figure if he does leave me for OW or moves away to WA without us I'll have PLENTY of records (you should see his phone records 95% of all his total calls/texts have been to her).
thats a good start to protect yourself...it is very hard to maintain composure...I assure you if done properly you will only help your sitch...
If you feed into the gaslighting- there will only be more gaslighting...then the home is a stressful environment and you become the crazy person and he becomes the victim...
I learned the hard way...but that's OK b/c I learned...
Its hard as hell but you can do it and be a CLASS ACT
Penny Tuppy's confrontation and protection phases is what you have summed up here, she has an eBook that outlines them in detail, about 60 pp and worth every penny.
Some tips :
1. When discussing your H's affair with friends, family, OR with him refer to it as "infidelity", don't call it a "relationship" as this legitimizes something sleazy and destructive and puts it on the same level as your marriage, which it is indeed not. (Puppy also doesn't like the word "affair".. I am divided on that one...)
It's not that I don't like the word "affair" -- in fact, I recommend you CALL A SPADE A SPADE, and CALL it an "affair." Our discussion that night Allen revolved around "open marriage." I felt that was even a stronger term to try to jolt a betrayed spouse into action -- as in, "Dude, are you willing to live in an OPEN MARRIAGE?" It suggests cuckolding, which is (rightfully), repulsive to most committed spouses.
dont give away the source of your intel...if someone you rech out to is double-dipping, they will explain how you know what you know...then he will become more secretive.
Amen, ditto and absolutely!
It's MUCH more powerful to be able to play the "I know all about you and so-and-so" card. Your cheating spouse not knowing what you know, and what you DON'T know, is a VERY powerful tool! They end up having to assume you know EVERYTHING.
Well, H told me this morning he wants his own phone account. He said doesn't want to talk on the phone worrying I could snoop on where he's making his calls to.
It ended up in a big fight. D got brought up, lawyers got brought up, he called me abusive and controlling (projection, anyone?). I called him a hypocrite because I've caught him monitoring my computer use many times, and he uses my phone and listens to my voice mail whenever he feels like.
I wish I would have just agreed to whatever he wanted and not talked to him further. I made a big mistake here. I realize now he was baiting me into another fight. He seems especially upset about all the changes I'm making, upset that I'm visiting a C this morning, upset that I've been making contact with friends I haven't talked to in a while. He doesn't like me having a life. Then he wants to call me controlling at the same time. I am really getting tired of his warped sense of reality. It's been a frustrating morning, to say the least.
Sorry LJ. I think its good you challenged him on the phone account.
It IS good to challenge your partner rather than allowign them to walk all over you. But its navigating the dispute is the real problem, particulary when there's addiction at play here.
You WANT to be able to challenge him, thats good. SPouses very often start avoiding each other rather than challenging each other in hopes this will make for a better marriage, but it doesn't... it just makes you two strangers...
So, challenge, but don't fight.
HUSBAND : I want my own phone acocunt, I am tired of you snooping on me
YOU : While we are married there will be NO SECRET KEEPING, that will just stress us BOTH out.
HUSBAND : I don't trust you
YOU : Neither one of us trusts each other right now.. you think you hiding your phone calls makes our marriage any better?
HUSBAND : You are trying to control me.
YOU : I am protecting a marriage, feel free to join me.
HUSBAND : I don't like all these changes you are making with your life
YOU : I will cancel any changes I made if they prove a threat to this marriage - immediately.. are you willing to do the same?
Husband walks away
That is you steering each conflct back to the marriage and protecting it... emphasizing safety... you take the conversation OFF of you and him, and onto the marriage and safety.
He won't LIKE it, but you will have gotten some truth bullets in there and maintained your dignity and his respect for you.
If you emphasize the safety, health, and protection of the marriage in each exchange AND expose his attacks as ounterproductive to that, he will be disarmed.
He will attack YOU.. just expose the attack as an attack on the marriage. If he challenges what you are doing as destructive ask him how.. tell him if it is you will be happy to stop, happily... it leaves him a bit confused... and he will likley just go away
