That is what I am asking myself daily. Some days I get angry and think let some other sap have her. But then I remember the good times. Keep in mind, you are only getting one side of the story. I hope I'm not coloring the sitch too much in my favor.
I'm sure she would apply a lot of her own negative adjectives to me. Maybe I'm a codependent and I am addicted to helping. I need to be needed. I can fix almost anything, maybe I think I can fix this, too.
She would say in WAS-speak, she has felt alone for years. I don't talk to her. When she is on the road and calls to check in, I don't want to talk to her. When she gets home, it is like I don't care if she is there or not. I've said some snarky remarks to reinforce that "it not mattering if she is there or not". And that I won't support her in her social events.
She is smart, kind, and I want to say considerate (just not always towards me). She incredibly driven when it comes to work. I'm stupid proud of her accomplishments in her career.
We still have fun together, as long as it is something she wants to do and within her comfort zone.
This has been a long time coming. Years ago her mother (who also works outside the home) told her she needed to work less and spend time with her H. She was very upset at that.
Fergie = My S13's Scottish soccer coach? Talk to me! If you have that accent! LOL
OK, you have plenty going for you. I would agree w/you that you have enough going on! Biking 100's of miles a week, bagpipes, lessons, etc...
So, you're not social, huh? OR, were you just not social w/her for her work events? I can't imagine you not being social. Seriously.
And, was the reason you didn't want to talk to her because she was always distracted by work, and not paying attention to you?
Fergie, anyone can have a kick as$ career. Not everyone can be a loving wife. It's too bad she's not showing interest in being one...
Give us some updates on your interactions. Remember, she WILL come to you! Pearl agree, too. We (Women, especially) really like what we can't have. And, if we can't have it, we'll find a way to somehow get it. (At the risk of sounding a bit shallow... LOL Example: I have a tendency to "visit" purses a few times before I buy them. Why? Because the first time or so I see it, I think, NO WAY, that is WAY too much... Well, after the first few visits, I start to find ways to justify it, or I save for it, etc... Pretty soon! It's mine!)
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I'm sure she would apply a lot of her own negative adjectives to me. Maybe I'm a codependent and I am addicted to helping. I need to be needed. I can fix almost anything, maybe I think I can fix this, too.
That's a good start. Work on detachment and understanding that you are responsible for your own happiness, not your W. Realize that you can't fix someone else. You can fix things but you can't fix other people. Those issues are hers and she is the only one who can address them.
Originally Posted By: Fergie
She would say in WAS-speak, she has felt alone for years. I don't talk to her. When she is on the road and calls to check in, I don't want to talk to her. When she gets home, it is like I don't care if she is there or not. I've said some snarky remarks to reinforce that "it not mattering if she is there or not". And that I won't support her in her social events.
Ok, now I understand her pov. She feels alone in her M because her H, the person she is supposed to share her life with, doesn't want to share her life. She works hard to excel in her career but he doesn't support her in it. She tries to stay in touch and communicate while she's on the road but he doesn't talk. She comes home, tired from traveling, and he doesn't want to spend time with her. He's more concerned about doing chores than spending quality time with her. She wants to have sex and he avoids it by putzing around the house until she goes to sleep. She wants to socialize with her coworkers, the people she spends a lot of time with and who like and respect her, for business and/or personal reasons but he refuses. Perhaps she thinks he's embarrassed to be seen with her in public because he's obviously unhappy with her weight gain. So she comforts herself by eating more even though she knows it's not helping things in the long run. He only wants to spend time with her if it's doing something he wants to do. He fills all his spare time with hobbies she has absolutely no interest in. She has resigned herself to living separate lives when she meets a man who thinks she's attractive, fun, and wants to be with her...
I think I'd choose OM too if that's how she sees her life.
We're all here because we didn't pay enough attention to our Rs. So yes, her mother was right. But I think that applies to you as well. (And I get upset when my mother tells me how to live my life too.)
You need to work on your communication skills because it's going to continue to cause problems in your Rs, either with W or the next one. I speak from experience because BF and I didn't communicate either and that's what got us into our mess.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
You say that now. You haven't been subjected to having to listen the all the practicing.
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Talk to me! If you have that accent!
Not unless you want a poor imitation of Mike Myers dad in "So I Married an Axe Murderer". Heeed! Pants! Now!
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So, you're not social, huh?
I'm like Newtons First Law. You know, body at rest.. yadda yadda. I need a "nudge" to get going. Then I'm usually the last to leave the party.
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And, was the reason you didn't want to talk to her because she was always distracted by work, and not paying attention to you?
No. I feel alone. She is phoning in what should be our time together. If she is calling me, she isn't there. The happiest part of my day is when I pull up to the house and see that her car is in the driveway. But then I get concerned, because it is good indication she is sick. Regardless, it rarely happens anyway.
There was a while (and by while, I mean a couple years) when my bagpipe/cycling buddy would hang out with me after work. It was almost daily for an hour or two. We would drink a couple beers and talk about the days ride or just vent. My W said she felt less guilty knowing I wasn't home alone and could work late. My buddy and I had a falling out about a year and half ago. I felt really alone coming home after that. My W said she hoped some of that type of interaction would transfer to her. But to be honest, I don't ever remember her being home any earlier.
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Ok, now I understand her pov. She feels alone in her M because...
OMG. YOU COMPLETELY NAILED IT. That was amazing. You are amazing. All except for the eating part. She just eats way too much fast food. Not lots of food. And maybe the being seen in public part. I think that is more private in the bedroom questions she has. She is thinking,"We didn't have sex, so... He *says* he's too tired, but..."
All the nebulous thoughts I've had, trying to put myself in her shoes, laid out succinctly. You hit every one. Bravo.
After reading that, I'd choose the OM, too. But how long will he last? When she is at one of the many overnight meetings for just one of the voluntary professional trade organizations she belongs to? And has volunteered to be an officer? Which means more meetings for years to come?
So, now what? Where is the middle ground? When I feel like I'm running a B&B where she can roll in, grab some food, get a bed, maybe some servicing, and back to work.
Pearl - Wow. Nice job, girlfriend! I was thinking of it from Fergie's view, and pissed off at the W! You really did nail it, but, you know... I'm still pissed off at the W! But, now I'm pissed off at Fergie, too!
Fergie -
OK, so, what do we have here?
We have a W who didn't get her needs met, and a H who didn't get his needs meet? The W "claims" to want to D. The H wants to fight for the marriage.
The 180's ARE?????
The GAL's ARE????? I, personally, think he has these down pat.
The B&B is closed for the season... And, you are right about the OM, unless he's her assistant!
Seems to me, you need a strategy. I have requested a male friends help. We'll see when/if he peeks his head in. He's a good one, and I think he will.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I'm pissed at me, too. I was starting to get a little disgruntled dumping on the W. I'm not that great. We are just very different. I think most women and I would probably get along a lot better with more basic, common, widespread interests (cooking, home improvement, hobbies).
And Pearl, I think you only just touched on the weight issue. It has just as big a part in this as the career. I'll have to come up with some less than flattering stories about me and her weight.
I have been thinking about the social events and weight thing. I don’t think I can add to the weight thing. That is her issue alone. I don’t make a big deal out of it. I do get frustrated and upset when she wants to throw money at the problem. I’ve told her I don’t care and it certainly hasn’t stopped me from having sex with her. So… meh.
As far as the social events go, I don’t want to get to chicken-and-egging, but I used to have a lot of social events for a charitable fraternity. And early on, before she really got going in her career, she would come along to a few at first. But then she stopped. I realized they were pretty boring, and I let her out of going. Now she never comes along to any of them.
At her events it isn’t that she thinks I’m embarrassed to be seen with her, it is more like she is embarrassed to be asked where I am. It doesn’t look good for her image to not have the H accessory present. But it has certainly never stopped her from going.
How about a life-sized cardboard display of the Ferg?
If your W is throwing money at the weight thing, is she following through, or looking for a quick fix? The magic pill? Or, is she genuinely trying to get healthy?
The question still remains... are you wanting to fight for the M?
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I also have some totally random questions for the group. Little things that bother me about our sitch over the years. Maybe someone can chime in with some answers.
1. I don’t really get too into traditional sex roles, but one job I do consider to be a W’s arena is decorating (mostly). Is it weird that we have no pictures up of our families except the ones I put of my nieces and nephews? 2. Is it weird after almost 10 years of M, no photos of our wedding are displayed anywhere in our house? 3. Is losing your engagement ring and not tearing the house apart looking for it normal?
1. It isn't weird that she doesn't care enough to put up pictures of your family, it's sad. She doesn't care. 2. After years of marriage, no wedding photo's anywhere, another indication that she doesn't care. 3. She lost her engagement ring, which is impressive when you consider that it seems like most women pursue the "ring" more than the man himself, everyone wants to brag about being engaged and what size "rock" the fiance gave them. Losing her ring and not worrying about looking for it was another sign that she didn't care.
She's been gone a long time bro, and she hasn't cared about you and possibly herself for a very long time, I feel for you, it doesn't feel good, it makes you question your self-worth, you ask yourself "why doesn't she love me more?", you ask what's wrong with you, maybe you're not good enough for her but in the end I think it boils down to her having incredibly low self-esteem and instead of trying to pick herself up or improve herself, she feels better by bringing everyone down to her level and there isn't much you can do about that, one day she'll get a wake up call that she's caused herself alot of problems or.... maybe she won't get that wake up call and continue to live as is, ignorance is bliss. I'll continue to read your thread and post accordingly, hang in there fergie.
