Starting Over (Again)

[Cautious]

I was going to IC before. Scheduling conflicted, as there is no one to watch my S5 other than myself. ExCautious refuses to spend time with S5 that isn't "his" time, meaning what is on the court papers. The other side is that I saw two Cs. One was WONDERFUL, but she left the company, so I was transferred to a woman who treated me like she was better than me. I didn't need the judgement or the hassle.

I can't avoid F2F communication with ExCautious as we are constantly exchanging S5 throughout the week. He determined this schedule. My theory is that he wanted to keep constant track of me. His reasoning for factoring Wednesday into the equation was so that I "could go get drunk" with my friends. Wednesday was ladies night at a bar I used to go to with my friends. We would vent, talk, etc. but I did not get drunk, much less what is he thinking when I'd have my son back that evening? That I'd go get ****faced and then be an excellent mother? I've considered asking to meet for exchanges at the courthouse (many high conflict couples leave a child in a special courtroom with a court provided guardian and leave while the other parent comes from the other side to pick up), but the cost seems enormous to drive all that way 2 to 4 times a week.

No clear cut solution.

Last night went ok. ExCautious asked about taking S5 on vacation in July... I am REALLY uncomfortable with the idea of going on a 12 hour drive to another state to spend time with ExCautious's best friend, mother and step father, with the potential for additional persons that I have never met. I told him that I would have to think about it, but that the dates are completely acceptable (he has to provide dates by the 31st, according to our PP). He kept trying to give me information and I kept cutting him off, stating that I would have to think about it. He told me he "understood", but kept pushing with more and more information. I finally told him "you don't even have all the information right now, let's talk about this when you know the exacts." His best friend is a horrible influence for my son right now. There are several reasons for this, but I'm not going to say anything right now about it - it's an ongoing argument between ExCautious and I. I have to bite my tongue to keep from telling him to just get naked with him and be done with it, since ExCautious couldn't be more up his best friend's a$$.

We discussed some other issues... upcoming birthday party, funeral services, etc. Then he mentioned that he had bought a new video game, one I had mentioned when things were going "well" that I was excited about. I couldn't control the words from my mouth as I said "@$$hole". He said I was welcome to come by and watch it at any time. Kept insisting that I was welcome, etc. I said no, no, no, no, we'll see. He is the master of the weardown, isn't he? Tried it with the vacation, worked on it with the game... geez. That must have worked really well on me before. Sounds like a good place to start some 180s.

I'm tempted by the game, but I'm not ready to spend that kind of time with ExCautious at this time.

Goals for today:
1. Play with S5.

That's it. I don't have the energy necessary for three. I was incredibly productive yesterday, today I get to take the day off.