It is the best thing right now to not have him at home. On Monday..with NC- I felt good all day. Yesterday afternoon..I found myself with that pit in my stomach again after the bombardment of emails and texts. I am trying to stay as dim as possible...not initiating phone calls, emails, or texts..and responding very little.
I don't think he is going to go back to his IC which really concerns me..but he has said he wanted to start MC next week. I am in no rush to start MC with him because I am not sure he will be fully there..because quite frankly..he is not fully there. But part of me would like to start. The MC was fantastic..and perhaps that even if he isn't going to IC..she may be able to help us and H at the same time..I don't know.
The MC told me that he was rebelling against his mother. I wasn't sure about that..but each day it seems more and more the case. The MC also thought it was good that he is directing the anger in the right place..away from the M and to his mother. It is really strange to see a grown man behave this way...leaving his mother with no other choice but to treat him like a child.
Grit- why are you reaching out to W? How long have you tried with NC? Perhaps she knows that at 'some point'..you are going to contact you so she isn't pursuing? I wish there was a 4th choice- All 3 of the choices that you laid out aren't appealing. But I do realize that I have been trying choice #3..and will continue down this path for as long as possible
r- He absolutely refuses meds..H says "i would rather feel the way I feel than feel nothing at all"..but the exercise thing always did work in the past..well until he hurt his legs. He would go into a deep funk whenever his legs started giving him problems. He is back at the gym which is great...it gives him something to do after work instead of going home and drinking. (his words). I don't know how much he is drinking these days..he was always the type of guy to have a glass or two of wine each day..but I think he switched over to scotch..and according to our credit card statement..he is hitting the liquor store quite often. Self medicating.
I have a little different situation. My W has PTSD from childhood sexual abuse. She already thinks I abandoned her when I left. If I go completely dark our marriage is over. She's not playing games and is not manipulitive so I draw my boundaries at just being friendly. Like "have a great day!" Positive mental attitude stuff. I don't engage her in R talk unless she brings it up. Sometimes she does. And I just listen. It is a different approach then most of what you see in the other post areas. I'm posting over in MLC. It is similar to your H because she is really in crisis, not well emotionally psychologically and so they really don't know wht their doing. When you come to that realization it's easier to step away.
It is really what I said earlier detaching with love. My sister is in MLC. She just left her husband- a great guy, she has two kids 5 and 7 and she's lost her mind. Say she's in love with OM. She gave some insight into what's going in her head. The main thing was you can't completely go dark on an MLC'er-unless it's to save yourself. They look at it as manipulative like your forcing them to do something and that's what their running from anyway.
You got to be a soft place for them to land. So don't argue. Don't pursue. Just be happy. That's where I am for now. When I text her I don't wait for a reply. It's just a shout into the void sometimes. You have to be the stronger person and not let them drag you under.
Over the past week I have really accepted this finally and am starting to detach. I am also not involved in her drama. I don't talk to her about that. In the beginning she would call me with this or that-depressed, crying. Until I sent her an email basically telling her that I love her and that I will wait until she figures this out but I can't be a part of it any longer until she commits to dealing with her problems and our marriage. In that respect we have the same situation.
I went to my 2nd IC yesterday. That's going well.
And my GAL- I decided I am going to learn to ride a horse! I rode on monday and fell off and busted my ass. WTF? Is that crazy! I've got another lesson tomorrow.
Italian is next.
I am not running from the heartache this time I am taking it straight on.
You can't let this take over your life and your soul. I think MC timing is not right but if you go with the chance he'll realize that he needs help it might be worth it. He's not there right now so don't expect much until he really gets some help. You'll be going down the rabbit hole with him.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Grit- glad to hear about your new hobby..not so glad to hear about your fall!!!! ouch. As they say...get back up on that horse.
I read about your sister on your post..I would really love to get inside of her head and try to understand what is going on. 2 kids and a great H..sounds like a no brainer. I just shake my head.
I understand the difference between our spouses...mine is definitely more manipulative. Some days I feel like we are on the same page...but other days I just feel like I lost him. I think it is too early for MC too...I still don't think he is ready..and actually I am not sure that I am ready either.
Can you picture your life back with your W? As more time passes..I find it more difficult to imagine him back here. For so many months before he left...he was so mean..even abusive at times...the gaslighting, criticism, stonewalling.. I think most of that was because of his A...but not sure how much of that is his new personality or his depression/personality disorder. It is so hard to tell.
With his A being over for only 3 weeks...I still think he is in a fog most of the time. With her still in his office..I don't know how long this process of detaching from her is going to take..if it is really taking place at all.
NC with H today. I haven't iniated contact with him in over a week. I am going to really stick this out and see what happens. nothing to lose.
H just called..house line- he knows that my cell is always on vibrate and I probably wouldn't answer it...caller id does not work in my bedroom so again..didn't know it was him.
He called to ask where he can find a supermarket that was open...he wanted to pick up fruit on his way home from the gym..he was in great spirits. Exercise really does him well.
We talked for a few minutes..I got off the phone with him..told him to enjoy his carrots in a joking manner(apparently the only thing he has in the fridge). He seemed annoyed that I was getting off the phone with him..which leads me to this question..
When H calls to talk and we are just talking normally..should I stay on the phone and talk..or should I cut the conversation off after a little while..and avoid giving him too much? While talking to him I was very engaged..we were joking around etc.. I think he is trying to connect with me. Does it seem like I am not trying to connect if I get off the phone with him? I just don't want him to end the conversation. I want him to pursue me...and really want him to work here. I am not used to this so I don't know how to play this game. I usually talk to him until he ends the conversation so this role is a bit uncomfortable for me. I don't want to give him the impression that I am not interested..or don't want his attention. If we are going to get back together..I want to get together on a more even playing field.
Any suggestions? Keep in mind that my H suffers from depression so I don't want to abandon. I need a play book.
Go back to your goals. If you focus on you and getting you healthly then the detaching is absolutely necessary. What may feel a little strange is that maybe he doesn't know what your doing. You have set the boundary yourself but he keeps trying to penetrate the invisible wall.
He will definitely keep trying to cross it. He feels you pulling away and he needs to control you. Believe me it is much scarier in his world everyday than yours so you are part of his self medicating.
If you have chosen door #3 than you need to to tell him it is not your intention to leave your marriage but that you are focusing on you and boundaries for that process are _____. His phone call to find a grocery store? WTF? he doesn't need you for that. Tell him to call his mom. He suffers from depression which you can't fix. REMEMBER CARE ABOUT, NOT CARE FOR.
You can borrow from what I told my wife- that I'll be here working on being happy until she decides this is something she wants to work on. Status quo or old marriage is not on the table anymore for discussion.
My sis has been in therapy and it is helping I can tell. She has more clarity about stuff now. But my sis doesn't have PTSD or depression or a PD. So our (yours and mine) situations are not plain vanilla MLC. As it was put to me my W is vanilla MLC with a few nuts thrown on top. Here we go with nuts again. Nuts and squirrels. Nuts and squirrels.
I find that journaling all these thoughts and feelings you have helps a great deal. Then they are not bouncing around in your head where they can break something, it's very fagile in there right now-think bull in a china shop.
Have a great day!
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
When H calls to talk and we are just talking normally..should I stay on the phone and talk..or should I cut the conversation off after a little while..and avoid giving him too much? While talking to him I was very engaged..we were joking around etc.. I think he is trying to connect with me. Does it seem like I am not trying to connect if I get off the phone with him? I just don't want him to end the conversation. I want him to pursue me...and really want him to work here.
Then I would just recommend you mix it up a little. OCCASIONALLY talk longer, but MOSTLY do the "I was just heading out the door, can we chat later?" thing. Make him work at it, but throw him a bone every now and again to keep him interested and engaged.
..throwing him a bone every once in awhile is manageable. Thanks Pup.
Grit- H calling my home line at almost 11 o'clock at night to find a grocery store for fruit was definitely an excuse. It actually got me a little paranoid after I thought about it..the OW xboyfriend watches one of her kids on Wednesday nights..she is free to go out these nights..was he just confirming that I was at home and not checking up on him? Was he with her? I have never followed him before so he would have no reason to believe that I would. It was just so strange that he didn't call my cell..where he always calls me and he asked such a ridiculous question. I am probably just being paranoid..and not going to let this thought consume me. He hasn't given me any reason to believe he is back seeing her..and until he does- I need to not think about this stuff. Not productive.
I am going to continue to let him make contact...I am actually not having a hard time with this at all lately. It wasn't hard to get off the phone last night either. I think he is picking up on my detachment vibe..I haven't initiated contact in over a week...and have ended most of our interactions..which is different than our typical relationship dynamics..
oh..and now I just got an email from him...hmmmmmmmm. Just wanting me to read an article. I like that he is trying...no worries though..I am not going to get too excited..and also going to continue to work on myself and figure out what I want.
Why is it...the nicer my H gets..the more my suspicions peak?
Nice..flirty,charming emails throughout the day today. I cannot say I wasn't enjoying it..but my mind has now shifted to motive..why all of a sudden? H is going to the gym..and exercise has always made him feel better...but he is being a completely different person. He is being my old H..I am not ready to accept this craziness!!!! I've got one eyebrow raised. 3 days ago he was moving to the Middle East to escape his horrid life...today he is happy as a pig in sh*t...I am probably exaggerating..but a notable difference in his demeanor. hmmmmmm.
Hmmmm. Other stuff not working so let me trying being charming. Stop trying to figure out why he is acting this way. There are only 3 possible answers.
1) He is being manipulative trying to lure you back into the rollercoaster ride. 2) It's a function of his disorder/mental state 3) One and two
He has not miraculously recovered overnight because he went to the gym. If you were on my post the other day and you saw when I got a very hopeful email from my W. The told me "you are too willing to accept a quick fix answer and that will hurt you." This is a long journey. I am guilty of the same overzealous hopefulness. If he's cured after a couple of weeks we should see his case in Psychology Today soon. You have only just realized that there is a problem with your H that is pyschological/emotional. I have known that about my W since I've known her. This crap doesn't go away only the way they choose to self medicate or deal with it. As the spouse you get sucked in because you love them and for 100 other what seem like very good reasons but they are unhealthy reasons.
You have shared you came from a family with exactly that kind of dynamic. Alcoholism is just another disorder/disease. You are at a high risk to be a rescuer/enabler/fixer here.
I know it is tempting to think that old H is back. It feels better to think this could all be over if he just would behave normally.
Sorry to be the hammer here but I have been there and am still there. I find myself saying "see she sent me an email that was caring, lucid and thoughtful. When can we start MC?"
Not so fast my friend! We are only on the 2nd posession in the game. You just got the ball. Don't punt on first down.
My W is not manipulative. She just does harmful things to herself and I try to save her. That's my problem. My choice to recognize it.
Your dealing with a silver tongued devil I think. He's VERY good at this as he's been doing it for a while I expect. Didn't he tell you he has been unhappy for a while? And you only had a clue when you found the A.
You should have one eyebrow raised. Everyone around you has told you H has problem and needs help. Trust your intuition to be cautious.
You are handling this very well. You are asking the right questions. You are listening to the wise people here. I am trying to give you the only part I have been through and can speak to. My W has a disorder and the answer is inside her and that's the last place she is going to go to find help to stop the pain. There is more pain in there so they don't want to go there.
It is the same with your H. Someone has to get him to realize he needs therapy and possibly meds. Until that happens Lola this is a dangerous ride for you.
On a lighter note ... I can't wait for college football season!
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
But I do realize that I have been trying choice #3..and will continue down this path for as long as possible