Is the OM married? Has the affair been exposed? This is what brought the affair to an end. I too persued in the beginning but when I found out the W was stilll seeing the OM I broke off all contact (except for kids stuff) with the W. In my case the OM was married. I spoke to him after our separation and told hi that now not only does he have to deal with me but he has to deal with an obssessed single woman. Me breaking off contact had the predicatble affect. It forced her to get ALL emotional support (including security) from the OM and my W ended up putting more pressure on the OM to leave his W. Exposure also took the luster off the affair.
Don't second guess your strategy in the beginning. In affairs there is very little you can do to stop it if it is a deep affair, but exposure certainly helps put the affair in the limelight. I also started dating a bit and my W found out through the grape vine. Also if she ever mentioend divorce I would call her bluff and say OK I prefer we give this marriage a second try but go ahead and file if you feel that is what you need. It's a learning process for sure.
Well I lost my job. Fortunately I have a pretty decent severance so we won't starve but I will have to let me lease expire in May and be forced to wither take a cheap room somewhere are move back in the house. I told my wife this and she gave me the deer in the headlights look, but later came to me and hugged me and asked if I was OK.
She is still in deep depression. I would love to know how long this takes. I think she is transitioning from grieving for the loss of her lover tot he guilt and stupidity of being decieved after everyone and there mother told her she was being decieved and she kept saying no way its true love. Her fantasy is popped but how long does this withdrawl last. It's been 5 months now and she is as depressed today as she was when she went NC.
I trying to figure how to approach her about moving back into the house. What ground rules should be laid out. We don't have an extra room for me to sleep in so I'm trying to figure all this out. I think she knows we have no other choice other than for me going back in the house. How do you approach an in house sepration. We get a long pretty well right now.
It's been 5 months now and she is as depressed today as she was when she went NC.
Five months is an inordinately long time for hard withdrawal. Are you sure there's been no re-contact? Either that, or there's some other kind of issue (like clinical depression) going on here.
I think it has gone into clinical depression. She is on the heaviest dose of Lexipro they have. She does work at the same school as the OM so there are triggers. Apparently the OM also told a friend that my W is a crazy ex lover and that he was never in love with her and my W got wind of that. I think it hit her hard and awakened her even more from her fantasy land. The OM resigned from the school and will be leaving at the end of the year and is working on his marriage, while my W is sitting at home alone with the kids sulking.
If it is clinical perhaps me (the new me) moving back in might snap her up a bit but I don't know. She is the one that wanted me out (while she was secretly seeing the OM). I'm just hoping when Summer comes and she doesn't have to see OM's car or shadow, that she will move forward.
I spoke to the W about losing my job. She had the deer in the headlights look. I told her everything will be ok and not to worry financially because my severance isgood.
I spoke for about five minutes and then walked away. She came up to me and hugged me and asked if I was OK. I said yes but it's been a bit stressful.
A couple of days later I told her I am not extending my lease due to expire in May. I told her I have two options, live with someone for cheap or move back in the house. She said I can live with her parents for a month and then she is going to Italy for three weeks and I can go back in the house. She also said she might consider moving in with her parents when she got back and then perhaps by then I will find a job.
She is still in clinical depression. She is on the maximum dosage allowed for Lexipro. The other day she stayed home alone and she said she really enjoys her alone time. I think she is still realing over the OM (it's been 5 months since NC but they work at the same school). I did a no no. I looked at her diary. Her last entry was a month ago. A letter of sorts to him. He said to a mutual friend that he never loved her and portrayed my W as a crazy ex lover. Her entry said how hurt she was and how much she still loved him and hoped that he still thinks highly of her as well and she hopes before he leaves in June that he will say goodbye and tell her that he truly does care about her.
The OM has gone back to his W and is completely ignoring my W. It's hard on her since they work at the same school.
It looks like she will not be able to fully defog until he is completely gone, but what do I do in the mean time? Her self confidence is at an all time low. She has historically had very low self esteem and this makes it worse which is part of the reason I think why she won't let go of the "fairytale" She doesn't want to "believe" its wasn't all true.
Where do I go from here. I am initiating contact a bit more. I am trying to do nice things for her but no over do it. She is at rock bottom but only occassionaly looks to me for emotional support. I may need to wait this one out until the end of the school year, but I am dieing.
Any specific advice and words of encouragement would be more than welcome right about now. I really would love to know how to approach this. I still do love her. Something tells me that continuing to do acts of unconditional love and show loving support is the way to go, as apposed to stand back.
I would love to get your opinion on something. The other day she said she was going out with some friends from work. I said sounds like fun and then I said, wait you had a date? I told her I would appreciate it if she told me she was dating so I can move on. I told her very calmly she can do anything she wants but I feel I have the right to know so I can move on. She said she will not tell me. WTF??
she says it is not my business. The reality is she still is not ready to let go of the marriage but she is not committed to it either. I have gone NC on her a couple of times and she hates it. She claims I don't need to know if she is dating. She really feels entitled to do anything in order to get her out of this depression and find her "happiness" again.
I can see where this is going. I will move back in the house and then if she moves to her parents I will probably file for the D. This limbo is not good.
It sounds to me like she wants to keep her hooks into you enough that you won't feel free to date, but she wants to date without your knowledge of it. In other words, she wants to eat cake.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's been 5 months now and she is as depressed today as she was when she went NC.
Five months is an inordinately long time for hard withdrawal. Are you sure there's been no re-contact? Either that, or there's some other kind of issue (like clinical depression) going on here.
Puppy
Quote:
I said sounds like fun and then I said, wait you had a date? I told her I would appreciate it if she told me she was dating so I can move on. I told her very calmly she can do anything she wants but I feel I have the right to know so I can move on. She said she will not tell me. WTF??
Looks like you have your answer as to which it is.
Thats just it. I don't think she is dating and I'm pretty sure she's not seeing OM. I have access to her cell phone account with out her knowledge and there are no strange numbers and no OM numbers. I think for her at this point it's more about principal. In her mind we are separated and she can date if she wants. Kind of gives her that "sense" of freedom, but I don't have evidence that there is anything she is persuing.
The big thing though is that she still works with OM. Although they have no need for contact, there are so many triggers everywhere. Actually thats what her diary said. She claimed there were triggers everywhere in her diary. I don't think she will be able to fully get through withdrawal until they no longer work together. That's when the real fog will start lifting.
She has started looking for a job elsewhere and he has given his resignation. 3 months to go until end of school year.
I'm moving back in that house this summer no matter what.
