How do I act?

[Surviving03]

Hey Cautious... well it wasnt that he didnt want me to go on the cruise alone, he knew all along I would never go alone, it seems mostly like he feels terrible that I wasnt going to be to go... but it also seemed like a glimmer of hope for us that he actually decided to go with me despite how he feels about us right now.

And the trip... he has not changed his mind... yet... not sure if he will but he has said a few times like "depending on how things go, maybe you can come".... but then said things like he really wants to go alone so he can get away from this for a little bit, but in the back of my mind, this is all really about going to see OW in vegas...but he has said that he isnt sure that he will be going to vegas, he has not made his mind up on that... so we shall see.... that will prob be the last straw for me...ok not prob, it WILL be... i cant deal with that...but anyways, he is sitting in the room, so i will come back later

[Surviving03]

ok...so i REALLY messed up tonight.... I asked him if the last few days have made him feel any certain way about us... tried to see if it was helping our sitch at all, the fact that we have been doing so much together and last night seemed like normal married life... and he flat out said "No, its not changing my mind at all" I said is it helping shift ur mind at all... he said No..... he said he has made it clear that this is his decision and what not...so i asked ok so what have we been doing?? what was that?? he straight up told me in my eyes that I do not make him happy..... so i said so i should leave? and he said well I dont want you to leave, i enjoy your company......... wtf??!!! he said right now he feels D is the best thing but he doesnt want me to leave and then he feels different.... wtf???!!! he acted like even if we work on the issues that i do know of, that it wouldnt be enough "its bigger than that" etc.... so i got pissed and i told him that i am leaving... i dont know what he wants, he doesnt know what he wants... but i cant just sit here forever... and while he goes on little trips to see OW... so i blew up, yelled and left the house for 3 hours... needless to say he is sleeping on the couch tonight and we have not spoke... not sure where to go from here...

[mrbt]

he flat out said "No, its not changing my mind at all" I said is it helping shift ur mind at all... he said No..... he said he has made it clear that this is his decision and what not...so i asked ok so what have we been doing?? what was that?? he straight up told me in my eyes that I do not make him happy..... so i said so i should leave? and he said well I dont want you to leave, i enjoy your company......... wtf??!!!

Wow Meg. This sounds just like a conversation between me and my wife. . . I think this was the kind of talk we had just before I decided to move out. In retrospect, I think I should have stayed and asked her to leave if she is unhappy. Now she is happily living in our apartment and I am living in a smaller apartment across the parking lot. I think the more experienced DBers here would call this cake-eating. He wants to comfort of your company but doesn't want to commit to the marriage [insert expletives here].

[Cautious]

I agree with the above. It is cake eating. I stand firm on my position that he wants to go on the cruise to prevent you from meeting someone else who IS interested in you. He may not outwardly say so, but I think that's where his mind went. "Oh no, if I don't go with her, she's going to find someone else." Only he wants to be the one to find someone else first. Seems like he's using you until he can make a firm plan to be with OW, IMO.

The backslide isn't a big deal if you don't let it be one. If you want to continue on the path to saving your marriage, you have to learn to bite your tongue and not talk about the R until your H is ready. That's where doing things for yourself comes in. You need time to process the anger you're feeling from the way he's talking to you/treating you without taking that negativity out on him. If you need to go to the gym and pound on a punching bag, do it. You want to show him a calm exterior and detatch from the hurtful words he's saying to you.

[Surviving03]

well.. it is def cake-eating... and its completely unfair and disgusting IMO. How long am I supposed to just sit here? and wait for an answer which very well could be that he still isnt interested in this M. He has said before that me leaving here isnt necessarily the end of us for him, but I know that for me, it will be. I have to pick up and move to a different country, get a whole new life, a new job, a new place to live, everything... and I couldnt say where he would fit into that life when and if he EVER makes a decision... so for me it would be over. I really believe that it is best for me to accept that my M is over and get out of here, its just HARD to actually do that. I wasnt unhappy in this M, I love him with all my heart... so its hard to change my thinking and just go and be content with that... but the more hurtful things he says, the easier it might be for me to leave. I hope I can trust someone else in the future, trust that when they make their vows they meant them for longer than 2 years... and that when they seem happy with me they actually are happy with me.....

[rr22]

I think you should give this serious thought over the next month. If my M wasn't over a decade, I don't know that I'd wait around a year or so for H to "decide" either. Some may disagree, but I see your point about moving countries, new everything and starting over complicating the situation tremendously. That process could take a year in itself. Then you would have to move again to where he is stationed to work on R IF he decides to? It's a lot to think about.

[tbart01]

Meg, I truly feel bad for you. I wish I could give you some positive advice, but this gut is cake eating like no other. You definitely need to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries. You are better than this, and don't deserve to be treated this way.

Stand up for yourself, and don't let him drag you along. This guy is really starting to tick me off. Maybe you should bring him by the terminal to meet me when I roll there in 2 weeks. i just want to knock some sense into him.

Seriously though, you are too good of a person to be treated like this, so be strong and move on with yourself. Nobody should be strung along like this. I'll be thinking about meg.

[Surviving03]

lol thats a good idea tbart!! what time are you going to be there??

Today was interesting...as always.... I woke up this morning feeling like CRAP, I was trying to get ready for work and I got sick, so my H came to try to help me and ask me what was wrong and I asked him to leave me alone. He seemed real concerned and kept coming back, so one of the times I just said to him "I want you to go to work today and figure out how to get me sent home" and he left and came and sat in the other room for a little while, i think he was crying. I called my work and asked my boss if she would mind coming to get me to take me to the doctor, I told H that she was going to come get me and he said please tell her I will take you... so he took me, waited for me, brought be back home. Has been trying to just talk to me like normal life...

He had a meeting later with his Commander as part of inprocessing back to this base and when he came home I asked him if he told him that I wanted to go home and he said No....I said to him "I feel like a prisoner in my misery, I feel like you are holding me hostage" and he said what do you want me to do?? I told him that I have made it clear what I wanted... and he just always looks around like he cant find the words to say. I told him that if was wanting to work on this M, I would want to stay... if he does not want to work on this M i HAVE to leave for my own sanity, I told him that I will NOT sit her forever and I will NOT sit here while he takes a trip out to vegas and that regardless of whatever he tells me did or didnt happen out there I will not believe him and if that is the route he is going to take then i do want to go home ASAP. He didnt have a response... I told him to go ahead and go golfing like he had planned for the day, and as he was leaving the house he said "bye, love you"............. oh my freakin gosh!! He just wants to leave me dazed and confused 24/7! But now he knows, that trip is the absolute end for me, if the end doesnt already happen before that trip even occurs. its all so confusing... but I do know that I dont deserve this, and every day brings me further and further away from wanting this M myself... I think it really would take a miracle at this point....

[tbart01]

09 Apr 1115

You need to stay strong and keep standing up for yourself. You can't let yourself be jerked around by him like this. You need to make up your mind it seems, because he can't seem to make up his.

[Surviving03]

yeah i know... i am coming closer to a point of making up my mind....

side note: my H is not very computer savy and as hard as he tries to cover his tracks on what he has been up to on the internet, he still always misses a step... so i discovered some google searches he was doing... which included things like "how do i overcome feelings of divorce?" "how do i stop feeling like divorce is my only option?" "should i stay married or get divorced?"...etc...ok all these are ok, he is trying to get some info, trying to get some insight... but then there were these searches "should i divorce over another woman?" "what are the success rates of second marriages?"...........um...................