How do I act?

[Surviving03]

lol thats a good idea tbart!! what time are you going to be there??

Today was interesting...as always.... I woke up this morning feeling like CRAP, I was trying to get ready for work and I got sick, so my H came to try to help me and ask me what was wrong and I asked him to leave me alone. He seemed real concerned and kept coming back, so one of the times I just said to him "I want you to go to work today and figure out how to get me sent home" and he left and came and sat in the other room for a little while, i think he was crying. I called my work and asked my boss if she would mind coming to get me to take me to the doctor, I told H that she was going to come get me and he said please tell her I will take you... so he took me, waited for me, brought be back home. Has been trying to just talk to me like normal life...

He had a meeting later with his Commander as part of inprocessing back to this base and when he came home I asked him if he told him that I wanted to go home and he said No....I said to him "I feel like a prisoner in my misery, I feel like you are holding me hostage" and he said what do you want me to do?? I told him that I have made it clear what I wanted... and he just always looks around like he cant find the words to say. I told him that if was wanting to work on this M, I would want to stay... if he does not want to work on this M i HAVE to leave for my own sanity, I told him that I will NOT sit her forever and I will NOT sit here while he takes a trip out to vegas and that regardless of whatever he tells me did or didnt happen out there I will not believe him and if that is the route he is going to take then i do want to go home ASAP. He didnt have a response... I told him to go ahead and go golfing like he had planned for the day, and as he was leaving the house he said "bye, love you"............. oh my freakin gosh!! He just wants to leave me dazed and confused 24/7! But now he knows, that trip is the absolute end for me, if the end doesnt already happen before that trip even occurs. its all so confusing... but I do know that I dont deserve this, and every day brings me further and further away from wanting this M myself... I think it really would take a miracle at this point....