flowmom | need to commit to myself

[flowmom]

I know many here think I am a first class b*tch and that is fine.

I don't think that. I appreciate the support that you give me . I read carefully and let it sink in.

[rr22]

I was saying 2X4 in a good way. If FM has gotten too anxious to do certain tasks, maybe she needs "exposure therapy." Whatever that is!
Also, before her IC took up boxing (joke), he told her she needed to "chop wood, carry water"-- meaning get out of her head. Easy for him to say!

[Marked&Healed]

CityGirl, it seems you've overcome a lot. Contgrats. It is fine to be a b**ch sometimes. We all have feelings/emotions and strength in women is often seen as witchiness.

Flowmom, thanks for visiting me again. I appreciate your input. I think I have a hard sitch because I'm not getting much input. It's always appreciated even just getting an atta-girl and maybe a direction to look in.

My DH is a world class procrastinator also, and I sometimes do when I'm overwhelmed with stress. In fact, I'm likely to leave the housework undone and go to bed... but I always get to it eventually. What works for me is making a list. I have a nightly checklist so when I come home from work, I know what to do. I put it in order because I'm so scatterbrained that sometimes I come in, and the kids distract me, then I start dishes, then the dogs want to go out, so I leave the dishes, and by then it's 7PM and I haven't started dinner because I went out of order and didn't manage my time right.

First I started by making a list in Word with checkboxes. Then I put it in order that I thought was necessary. Then the next day, I revised it with things I forgot, etc. Little by little, I have a routine and it works. I find that having it on paper and being able to check it off helps me because it helps me to "do" it without having to think about it.

My household cleaning has gotten out of control. Have you tried looking into the flylady system? Not saying your house needs to be cleaned but I like her approach and take it on for many areas of my life. Basically, she gives you a time limit, say 15 minutes, and you clean like mad, and then you keep it clean. For instance, my bathroom gets cleaned once a week. Used to be Sunday and Wednesday. Now I do it daily and it takes 30 seconds, and then Sunday gets a deep clean. The daily consists of one paper towel, and some Windex. You spray the mirror, wipe it down, and then take the same paper towel, wipe off the sink, and then the back of the toilet, and then the rim of the toilet. Then throw away... you keep soap in the toilet bowl brush stand that it rests in, quick swipe, flush, you're done. I shower, do my hair, and then clean the bathroom every morning and it's just part of my routine... see what I mean?

Anyway, babysteps is what she does and it works for me to get over any procrastination in any area. Instead of looking at how overwhelming a problem is, set a timer and tackle one area a day. Like flylady says, your house didn't get dirty in one day, it won't get clean in one either. Same with our lives. They didn't get to where they were in one day, it will take time to clean up the messes we've made of our lives.

[flowmom]

Well, Zoloft is officially annoying. It's definitely waking me up prematurely in the morning and I'm losing about an hour of sleep every day...which I can't afford. I need to have a plan for how to deal with the pre-dawn stressful thoughts that start swirling before I'm even fully conscious. My sister had that experience with Zoloft as well, so I might try to switch to Celexa, the AD that worked better for her (on the assumption that we have similar biology).

I noticed that fears about an OW started popping up again yesterday. The trigger was seeing on H's facebook that he had gone to hot yoga. The suspected OW is into yoga...H did yoga years ago but hasn't in recent years.

<warning guys hormone talk below>
I'm in the zone of the month where I san expect a significant low point emotionally, so it will be interesting to see if this month is a replay of the last two ones or if the AD has kicked in enough to smooth out the trough.

[rockedworld]

I highly recommend flylady too!

I found AD meds made my insomnia worse and it was the early morning waking that was hardest. Apparently that is common with emotional trauma, whether you are on AD meds or not. It was actually celexa that i experienced that with, but I do think different meds seem to work differently for different people.

Hope there are positives in your day today Flo!

[DiamondGirl]

Hi Flowmom!

Zoloft worked for me for years...

I found that it *did* help with the procrastination for me as my depression prevented me from actually acting on things I wanted to do.. I would think about something, know that I wanted to do something specific, but I didn't have the get up and go urge to actually take steps to do it. It was a very disconcerting feeling to experience. The Zoloft bridged the gap between wanting to do something and actually stepping up to do it for me...

Also, I found that with Zoloft, if I took it at night before bed, it worked better for me. It would kick in overnight and I would be raring to go in the morning. If I took it in the morning, it would be noon before I was action-ready.

Perhaps changing the time of day you take it would help with the getting up too early thing? You could be the reverse of what I experienced...

Just a thought..

[flowmom]

Passenger, I actually have learned a lot from flylady - I developed better routines and attitudes for housework and I've definitely made progress in that area. My main procrastination issue right now is with my professional consulting work (contract basis). I haven't been able to apply flylady to my consulting work, even though I understand using the timer, having a list, etc. I think what helped me get over the hump with housework is listening to things on my ipod that keep my internal dialogue at bay so that my mind is positively occupied. That allows me to "just do it". I can't really do that with my consulting work because I need to use my brain to do the work.

CG, the advice to grit my teeth and get started on the work is good advice. The thing is though, that I have done that many, many times. In order to address the out-of-control feelings that I have about my earning ability, I need to develop effective strategies and/or address the underlying issues so that I don't have to go through an internal war every time I try to get some work done. Until I develop self-mastery in that area, my self-esteem and income will continue to be suboptimal.

I do have a couple of strategies that I would like to try. I will try one today.

[CityGirl]

CG, the advice to grit my teeth and get started on the work is good advice. The thing is though, that I have done that many, many times. In order to address the out-of-control feelings that I have about my earning ability, I need to develop effective strategies and/or address the underlying issues so that I don't have to go through an internal war every time I try to get some work done. Until I develop self-mastery in that area, my self-esteem and income will continue to be suboptimal.

I totally understand. Like I said, I have not experienced your issue but from what I can tell my issue and your issue have a few mirrors. I know (god, do I know) it is not easy to just "grit your teeth and do it".

A big part of my therapy was facing those internal wars head on. I will share this with you. For a long time the only place I felt safe in my apartment was in the hallway leading to my bedroom and home office. I have no idea why that was my "safe place" but it was. I went so far as to drag an ottoman to that back hall and curl up on it to feel safe. When I did sleep that is where I slept, on a tiny ottoman. This was at the absolute height of my panic before I began to get help.

I am fully aware this makes me sound like a crazy person but if you (general) have ever experienced a true panic disorder some of this might sound familiar. Anyhow, once I admitted to my dr. about my safe place we talked about eliminating it and how that would happen (solution). When I first eliminated the ottoman I actually stood in the hallway and had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. But I knew I had to face it. It was a war I had to at least try and fight. It sounds silly to say it was one of the hardest things to do and at the time it was for me.

To this day when I feel my anxiety/panic rise (which is very rare) my mind goes right to that ottoman and hiding in the back hallway. It is a war I have to keep fighting (sometimes I lose but not as much as I used to).

My point of all of this is to say I understand very, very deeply how terrifying and difficult it is to face something head on. I am not trying to be cold and suggest "oh suck it up, just do it" because like work for you, moving that ottoman was like moving a mountain for me.

What I do know now is that I have a choice. And when things get bad for me sometimes it is not an easy choice to make to face that war of panic/anxiety.

Please keep in mind I have been working on this issue for two years. Never would I imply though that any sort of issue (whatever the issue may be) is simple or easy to face head on.

[flowmom]

(((CG))) that doesn't sound crazy. People do all sorts of things to feel safe. I can definitely see the parallel between the internal war that you faced with getting out of your safety zone and what I experience. I think that the parallel is that I have a safety zone too: it's in my activities rather than in a physical location. Shifting into doing work feels like an "unsafe" zone for me...made much worse by all the baggage that accumulated about it during the 17 years that I spent with H. Work is associated with not only letting myself down, but sabotaging the most important R of my life.

[CityGirl]

My dr. and I talk often about "unsafe zones". When I was at the absolute bottom my "unsafe zone" was EVERYTHING that was not my back hallway.

I only went outside because my dog needed to go out. I was unable to the market, unable to drive, unable to go in my basement or be anywhere. I didn't even feel safe at my mom or sister's house. Walking my dog was overwhelming. I would imagine her running away, getting hit by a car, us getting lost and the panic would begin. I actually had callouses on my hand from gripping her leash so tight.

It took MONTHS for me to start going to the "unsafe zones". The market felt so big yet so small. And honestly, there are still a few places I get very nervous to go.

An internal war is an internal war. I know it is not easy. The other day I was organizing some paper files and I came across a holiday card the law firm I used sent me. I didn't even want to touch it and I could feel the physical side of my anxiety starting.

Feeling unsafe is one of the WORST feelings in the world. I can't even tell you how much I relate. I can tell you all day you will be safe but if you don't feel it, it won't matter. I understand. Let me know if I can help.