The tunnel of darkness

[kjensen]

You're right D. Drinking, divorce, defensiveness, what else can I think of?...to avoid the pain within.

The thing that has always confounded me during this journey are the times when H sounds like 'himself', rational, thoughtful, even slightly empathetic ;)- makes me think that maybe H is 'sane' and really just doesn't want to be married to me anymore and I'm the one in deep denial.

Then H is irrational, defensive and reactive, acting juvenile and I can believe in MLC and see that perhaps I am the saner one at the moment...

So today I saw both Jekyll and Hyde, so-to-speak..H felt himself escalating during our first conversation, called a time-out and said he'd call me back in 10 minutes, which he did...and the second conversation was with my 'real' H..Kind of odd. Emotional for me. I felt slightly hopeful about a future with H after that second conversation, then just sad- because of the doubt that he is in MLC and maybe I'm just being left and he never loved me.

Those moments of seeing our 'old' spouse are hard-reminding us of what once was, of what we are missing...

Ah well..Spring Break is half over. D14 returned home tonight from the marching band trip to Disney, totally sunburned from time at the beach this morning in Florida..and a senior(guy-friend) in marching band asked her to prom..more things to figure out! Not ready for her to go to a prom! She's my baby!...but the adventure continues!