I am just getting started really...my H filed for D. He said I pushed him into it when I told him that I would not live in an open marraige! He has only had our children overnight at his house twice since January. He has been working tons of OT and does work the mid-8am shift so it is hard for him to see the kids. I really want to have a set schedule so that I can plan things! I am still trying to decide whether to invite him over for Easter dinner. The kids and I have been invited to DIL's parents house and that sounds like a lot of fun!
Give yourself some time...it is still new! I am glad that your H is spending time with the kids! Family time is great for support! Take it when you can get it! Keep reading...lots of good posters on here! Go to the archives...read the success stories!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
You say that he is not trying to "close the door". Take it at face value. He is a very confused guy, he doesn't know what he wants. He needs time alone to figure it all out. Maybe he will recommit maybe he won't. You need to accept that and be OK with it. That's the part of YOU that you need to work on. It's hard I'm strugling with it myself. Continue DB'ing and 180. That's your only ammunition right now. And protect yourself financially before he spends more money.
Quote:
I liked us. I liked my life. I don't want to date other men, search for someone new, work myself crazy and raise the kids on my own. I hate that they don't have the experience of growing up in the loving family that they had. Why would anyone do this?!!
My words exactly.
Thanks for reading my tread, yes there are so many similarities with these MLC guys, their actions and reactions. They all act as if "possessed by aliens". How else could a wonderful loving dad and H turn into this unfeeling selfish creature that destroys everything in it's path.
I hope that you are right and that the distance between my WH & OW will make the "love" fizzle out.
I'm sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts. Keep your chin up, you will be OK.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
What happens if I don't want this gift, to make me into a better person?
We are actually having this discussion on another thread that I started. Maybe read there for the answer. It is about the LBS stages.
As far as your sich goes I will say this
Confusion = MLC, confusion is actually a good thing, I know that you don't want to be here, but you are, and you still have lessons to learn whether you want to or not. Actually that you need to be here is something that you need to learn. I am just like you and I thought WHY ME? I am perfect. I have learned everything already. Do I need to spell out what has happened?
You are getting good advice. Keep posting asking questions. Read as much as possible. The resource thread has a list of books on it that you can read if you run out of things to do. Unless you read a book an hour that should keep you busy for a while.
SecondChance - It's so hard to understand how and why the sane, rational and loving person we married can turn into someone that is only concerned about themselves and their 'happiness'. To add to it they can't understand why anyone is upset with them for what they've done.
The things your H is doing echoes across this board. Most of them seem to be doing the same type of things just in different sitchs.
Don't worry about ranting. This is the place to do that and we don't take it personally, and we certainly understand it. As you get farther along on your journey you'll discover that you have the answer to most of your questions in you already, but it always good to throw them out there because you may be able to look at it differently when you get other perspectives on it.
Detachment is for us, the LBS. It gives us a time out from our spouse's antics to pull back, regroup, and figure out how to proceed, and what WE want.
This is yet another of life's journeys. One we didn't ask for, but are on nonetheless. We do have choices though. We can choose to learn and grow from this or choose to turn our backs and walk away. No one here would blame you for either path. You will find support and advice either way while making up your mind which way to go.
I'm guessing from your post that you don't think he's coming back. When you say "If he wakes up... you can reconsider getting back... but unless..." and so on. Or am I just reading too much into this?
Second Chance,
While I do not even pretend to be able to speak for Snodderly…
She says the IF and maybe for the same reason the rest of us do…
This is a crap shoot. There are NO guarantees. It isn’t because she thinks one way or another, it is simply the reality of the situation. Some of them wake up and come back, some of the wake up and don’t come back, and some of them…well they get stuck…
There is no way of knowing at the beginning…
That being said, you do seem to have heard some very familiar words…
My H wanted to date as well during his first go round with MLC. Not date other women, but date me… I thought he was nuts. It made NO sense…
We too had intimacy, even after the bomb…
But physical intimacy and real intimacy are two very different things…
Read, learn, and keep posting and asking questions.
Patience and understanding are two of the tools that you will need on this journey.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
SecondChance, There is a 50/50% chance that he will wake up and realize what he's done and try to make amends. If is a very powerful word and that doesn't mean he will or will wake up.....in other words I'm not saying one way or the other. If is used quite a bit around here.
In his mind, he may very well think he's trying to reconcile and it's easier to say that than to actually do the necessary work to get from A to Z. Some of they say this and it's not to string you along, but it's what they "think" they are doing. Actions have to speak louder than words around here.
My xh wanted to buy me a larger, more expensive engagement ring before he flew the coop. Others have gone as far as purchasing wedding gowns and setting up wedding arrangements for renewal of their vows, trips are planned for the 25th wedding anniversaries and then POOF! It's over like a candle has been snuffed out. I think all of this is done to see if that "in love feeling" can be recaptured. Once they realize it's not something they actually feel for us, that's when they are convinced it's time to leave. They don't realize that genuine love goes deeper than that "in love" feeling.
It's okay to come here to ask questions and vent. But, just remember no one has all of the answers. We all can offer up advice and each situation is and continues to be different.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think all of this is done to see if that "in love feeling" can be recaptured. Once they realize it's not something they actually feel for us, that's when they are convinced it's time to leave. They don't realize that genuine love goes deeper than that "in love" feeling.
Sometimes they don't even try to "recapture the in love feeling" especially when there is already another woman in the picture. They take this new "superficial love" as the real thing because it stirs their "passion". Those are pretty strong hormonal feelings - something that long term marriages just can't compete with, hence the spouse looses. When the affair is over some of them may realize what they have lost and come back and some just go on a quest for a new hormonal "high".
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I don't know which is worse -- H filing or NOT! My H won't file. Then I have to start the paperwork or I have no support or anything, and then it is MY FAULT that the marriage progresses to D!! And I don't want a D!!!
It is sad that he doesn't see the kids too much, I think this is supposed to be good for them. But when they are gone for and I am alone then that is not very nice either. They are not at home because he won't come home. He wants them, just not me. That feels really rotten.
My H is being "disney land Dad", so they have an amazing time with him, then have to come home to homework, school, chores, etc. Great!
Do you ever get the wake up in the morning thing? I wake up feeling terrified, about 1 hour before my alarm goes off. Every single morning since the bomb, days weeks, months on end. Doesn't matter what the day before was like. The next morning it's back. I'm terrified of being alone, of raising kids by myself, of a future now unknown. What is THAT?
Does anyone know?
One thing seems for sure to me, that is... they don't feel what we are feeling. There is NO WAY someone could go through the feelings that the LBS has, and continue to do this. I feel so awful.
