Talia's New Home

[talia]

Hi All,
Pearl - I have a L - I've had one for a while now. I was just waiting/forcing H to man up. Me following through with the financial changes has done that. He was delaying because I was making it easy for him.... thats over now! Its not that I don't want this D - obviously its not my end goal - but if I have to have it I want to be sure I get the best deal possible for me. I'm not too blind to see that this is a legally binding contract that affects all aspects of my life. I need to advocate for myself and make sure I come out on top financially. I'm on that page - don't worry!

Talked to L - sent H my "proposal" for the D. If he agree's his L can file the paperwork with that in it and I won't contest... otherwise he can file whatever he wants and I will file that proposal with the court. Its fair and reasonable and right in line with the final numbers he told spy he thought we would end up at. It will be interesting to see if he really wants this to be over quickly and easily. I should have D paper by the end of this week or early next week according to H. We will see.

I yelled at him on the phone yesterday... Told him I wanted to be done with him and his craziness, he needed to find his balls, man up and file the f*ing paperwork. That really felt good - I haven't unloaded on him yet in all this. I've been very firm and clear and stood up for myself - but I haven't yelled. I felt alot better actually!!

Got a job offer today. Its not what I had hoped it would be ... but I am mulling it over. At least there's one on the table - thats pretty quick turn around!!

Funny thing... I'm feeling a little bit lost about having to decide if taking that position is right. This is the first time in 7 years I haven't had someone to consider/consult in making that decision! Its freakin me out a little - not that I can't make the decision as I'm perfectly capable - its just I feel like I'm missing something in the decision making process. Its a very weird feeling... but I guess I can be thankful that I can label the feeling for what it is and process it.... I'm so grateful for having learned that in this process!!! Thank goodness for the victories in this....

I'm emotionally beat. I can't wait to get through this whole thing and be free. I'm just sick of being in the middle of this whole mess! I'm ready to be done with it all. H can have his craziness and I will deal with being divorced.

Last night I had IC - thank goodness! We made a list of all the bad things H did during our marriage and all the things that he would need to improve before he would deserve me. It was extensive. It really helped me see that there were lots of things I overlooked in the marriage that I shouldn't have and I deserve someone who is willing to grow WITH me to be a better person. I've grown over the years and especially over the last 6 months - H hasn't grown at all and clearly dosen't want to. We are working on re-defining marriage and divorce, since my issues isn't so much missing H but actually being divorced. I truly seem to have a deep sense that divorce makes you a bad person - remnants of my childhood I guess. IC thinks its time to change those beliefs to something along the lines of..
D is bad between two loving, equal, involved partners.
D is not bad between a willing partner and an unwillng, abusive partner....

I'm pushing through all these new feelings...


Hugs!
T