Huband is having an emotional affair

[ALJ]

I am beginning to see just how selfish and childish my husband had been acting in our 10 year marriage. He began a habit of going out to clubs partying every weekend the same year that we got married and seemed to act like he was a bachelor. I remember the times where he was not there for me when I needed him the most, physically or emotionally. H always wanted and brought material things that we could not afford and then would complain that we never had money. Of course, I would never speak up about these things just to keep him happy. I am beginning to wonder if he really loved me to begin with. This separation has really brought this to my attention.

Anyways, sorry for the above rant. I am not saying that I was without fault in the breakdown of my marriage but I just wanted to get that off of my chest.

Allen, I am sure there are people in my family that would support me in my quest in standing for my marriage. But confrontation? I just don't know. I was thinking about asking my dad to talk to H but he is probably still upset with H for leaving in the first place. My dad does not know about the OW and I don't know what he might say to H in the heat of the moment and my dad still asks me if I want him to shoot H (he asks this with a smile on his face). I could ask my MIL to talk to H but I think she is afraid of saying anything to him or doesn't know how to approach the subject.

I have been following your advice about asking H to stop hurting me and the kids. I texted him and asked him does it matter to him or does he even care that he is hurting us. His reply was that my question does not have a one part answer. Did I want answers or am I trying to make him feel bad. He then said he would call me later. He didn't call and I was glad he didn't because he is not and will not listen to any of my reasoning. He says he is not going to keep debating the issue with me. H has run out of money but has found a part time telemarketing job that he says that he hates but he makes sure that I know (in a round about way) that he is going to stay down there for good, even if he has to work 2 or 3 jobs. I'm sure OW has a lot to do with that too. Should I keep pressing the issue of him hurting me and the kids when I talk to him?

[Allen A]

You can keep the protest up but...

1. It turns him off of you
2. It drains your energy
3. After about six months of that you will start getting ill

My reccomendation is for you not to contact him at all, have a third party do the protesting. Your father may not be the best choice if he can't control himself.

I often recommend spouses to go into protection phase and isolate themselves from their spouses... no phone calls or anything.. or if it has to be done it should be the least direct method (ie: email preferable to a phone call).

You want time to process what is being said, AND you want the most passive exchange from them you can get. Yes email hurts but not like being blasted right in person.

You can try to wait out the affair. If he's having $$ trouble and YOu aren't talking to him, he WILL take that out on OW instead of you. He will need a punching bag for his bad luck.

His behavior early on in your marriage is not uncommon. And yes to a degree you allowed it to happen by not speaking up. Successful marital partners learn to negotiate their conflicts and minimize their effects. Being silent while your partner takes advantage of you isn't helping him or you. He acted like a child, but you in part enabled it to happen. It is very common.

Many men don't like being married early on. Or they claim to, but they grumble about it at home in private to you. They feel immasculated, tied up, and otherwise only half-alive. 4luv's husband I think is a good example of this problem. Many men want to be married but still feel and live like they are single. So they try to do that as much as they can get away with - to the detriment of their marriage.

None of this excuses infidelity. He has a child and a spouse, and therefore has obligations that FAR TRANSCEND how HE FEELS right NOW. He needs to man-up. The challenge is partly distance, but it is partly his own maturity level. He had maturity problems BEFORE the infidelity began, otherwise he woudlnt' have strayed in the first place.

What can you do right now? My advice is to organize a small support team to protest to him and negotiate on your behalf. Isolate yourself from him completely. This is for the benefit of YOUR health and his memory of you. If you keep pressing him his fondness of you will decline. So, have someone else press him to grow up.

You have done well without him, but it sounds like you ARE dependent on him financially. I would reccomend you spend as much time as possible finding the means to support yourself and your children without him. He isnt' reliable and you do have a responsability to these children. Go to school or work on a business plan or whatever you have to do to become a full person without him.

This may also attract him back.

But, the main reason is to ensure you are able to support your chidlren without his help. I honeslty can't see his infidelity lasting long term. It was based on a lie and hurting other people... That never lasts. Phil McGraw says on his website that affair couples success rate long term is less than ONE PERCENT.

So, his affair may last a year, it may even last two years (doubt that based on the sounds of things) but it will end. They almost ALWAYS do.

Hope he will come back, but work and live as if he isn't. That's the best choice you can make for your children.

I have every confidence that this affair will end, but I don't reccomend you put all of YOUR time into it. Put a support team togehter to deal with him and protest to him on your behalf while you focus on building and supporting your family.

[Piano]

Top notch advice you're giving there, Allen.

[Allen A]

Thanks Piano... This one is a bit trickier given the geography and the timeline...

But this affair in particular is not characteristic of a long lasting one...especially with the financial problems I can't see it lasting much longer.

[ALJ]

Thank you Allen for the good advice. I know what you are suggesting is going to be good for me and my kids in the long run. Even though the protection part will be hard for me to do, I am going to try it.

You are right, we did get married young. H maturity level was not that high to begin with. He used to try to start business ventures with no goals or plans on how to do it. Just like the two business ventures that he supposedly moved away to start. Neither of the ventures are making a profit and this comes from poor planning and lack of knowledge and funds. We both have made poor financal choices in our marriage. I believe that OW is providing some seed money also but she might start to see that this business thing isn't working out and get frustrated as well (she is 24 years old).

H is definately panicking about his lack of money. He does not know how he is going to pay his half of the rent among other expenses. Even though he tries to put up a good front, I don't think he is happy with the way things have turned out for him so far. He even told me he was not completely happy but to make sure I don't get my hopes up, he quckly added that he believes that no matter how long it takes, he will be happy someday. Whatever. He has also been making references to him being an old man that no one wants to hire for a job. He's only 34 and this "old man" talk is something he has never spoke of before.

I know what you mean about the getting ill part. I started having trouble sleeping at nite once I found out about the affair. Not getting enough rest will lead to other health problems. I was doing good before the affair revelation came about.

After next week, I will have completed 7 months of training to become a Certified Medical Biller and Coder. I do plan to go even higher in my education once I get a job in this field which I hope is real soon. H and I both get unemployment checks which go into a joint account. He pays his cell phone, car note, and car insurance out of this account. The rest he leaves in the account for me and the kids. I pay the the rest of the bills out of the remainder of the money. I guess you can say we are dependent upon each other when it comes to money. H might start to request more money from the account now that he is broke but then he might not because of his pride. I do hope he comes back to us (mentally and physically) but I am moving on without him as if he isn't.

I am going to mention to my MIL and maybe my sister and stepmom about talking to H and protesting the affair when H calls them (which is not often). They are the only canidates that I can think of because besides his brother and sister, these are the only family folk that he will talk to. When he comes up to visit, he avoids my immediate family like the plaque. I am guessing it is out of guilt. I am going to back off on the pressuring statements about him hurting us.

[Allen A]

Yup, YOU back off, let your support team blast him every time he contacts them...

I would STRONGLY suggest you get your own private account. You don't want him taking money out for illegitimate things since you have little recourse if that happens.

You don't need to tell him about the account. This is important because being with addictions are NOT in the state of mind to be organized or careful and they tend to let money run through their fingers and they WILL resort to stealing it if they have to. I have read posts on this forum of WS husband's actually taking out mortgages on their homes - putting wife and children into financial hardship - in order to buy thier OW very expensive jewelry.

Protect your finances. Keep the account you share, but get your own account that you have privately to put anything major into.

It's ok to keep using the shared one, but don't put anything in there you don't mind losing. Particularly now with WH destitute, he may at some point ask to borrow money from you, short change his children on support, or resort to stealing. I know it sounds horrible, but it does happen.. seen it more than once. Your H is just very vulnerable to that right now. The last thing you want is to end up in a huge fight with him over the legitimacy of some mysterious withdrawals he's making...

You keep focussing on your school work. Try not to share financial details with him. While a spouse is cheating I don't reccomend the LBS share any info that isn't to the advantage of the marriage to share. If him finding out you make more money is going to reduce YOUR support payments and therefore INCREASE HIS income THERE then keep it a secret.

You can always take the extra and put it into an education fund for his children. So if you are making say an extra 500 a month just put that 500 into savings for kids college and keep accepting H's support payments. If he DOES find out that you make more money you can always tell him you have'nt spent a DIME of the excess...

Ignore your h's claims about what he's planning or hoping... he's addicted right now.. its the same as listening to a complusive gambler promising "I have a sure thing coming up.. I promise.. its comin and I am gonna win big very soon..." Its just his own desperation coming out...

This 24 - year old woman will not put up with his BS for long once the money stops rolling in. I am sure the business start up was exciting for both of them, but with it going down the drain you will likely see the affair go down with it... Honestly between his inability to cover his costs and keep his head above water, and their immaturity at cheating in teh first place that relationship is NOT giong to last long term.

Either she will get sick of his immaturity or he will tire of hers. I am sure she has a lot of growing up to do as well and he will start to see that more now than he has in the past. Affairs DO end, but reality takes time to sink in. Unless something drastic happens it will take them a few more months yelling and fighting before that falls flat. Eventually she may move in with him to save some $$$, but when THAT happens the affair will just fall apart all that much faster.

Rather than thinking and hoping HE will come back. You need to work on your boundaries of what you are willing to accept WHEN he comes back. If he just show up on your doorstep and wants back in no questions asked (and he will try that at first) you need to have yourself prepared to push back and tell him "NO".. and send him on his way.

Just becuase he returns broke and humiliated does NOT mean he's grown up and won't do it AGAIN.

You need to set your requriements for him to re-enter the marraige. Especially with you growing up yourself and working on yoruself and your children you will likely develop a higher standard in a mate for yourself and a parent for your children too... right now I suspect he is far below the bar for that.

If you focus on what you need from a partner - bare minimum it will build YOUR confidence and help you set some healthy standards for your marriage when he returns.

I suspect he will return in the next six months or so if his financial situation keeps worsening.

[Allen A]

Just out of curiosity I hope you are not funding him in any way being down there.

If he is getting even ONE PENNY from you, you need to cut him off immediately.

The less money you appear to be making the more pressure HE feels to contribute and the more his parental instincts will kick in. But you can't help him in any way down there. If he wants to be separated then he needs to fund that WHILE supporting his family all by himself.

I hope he is consistent with support payments to you to date. You shoudl NOT be helping HIM out in the slightest. If you are supporting him at all financially you are just funding his infidelity.

[jasper67]

^BINGO

[Allen A]

Hey that's Puppy's line! lol

[ALJ]

Thanks everyone for the advice.

I currently have my own banking account and WH has no access to it because he has no ATM card for it but it is an account that is at the same bank as our joint account and he can view the balances and activity in both accounts. I also have a credit union account that I will start to deposit money into when I get a job and just keep the other account empty.

Currently, WH does not pay child support. I have not pressed the issue because he has been giving me half of his monthly income from his unemployment. We are not legally separated and we have not went through the courts for anything. So far, except for a couple of instances, he has not asked for any money from the joint account. He always asked me first to make sure that I could afford it before he used any money in the joint account. It was always to pay a bill of some sort or get gas.

We don't have any other source of income except for our unemployment checks so I don't have any extra money to give to him if he asked for it. He knows that I am barely making ends meet and him not being able to find decent work is wearing on him. He mentioned once that he will work 2 or 3 jobs to provide for his kids. As if financial support is all that they need and that alone will make everything okay. I don't think so. Our children need their father in their lives and not just a paycheck.

I would be so devasated if my H resorted to stealing money from our joint account. That would be so unlike him but when people are addicted to someone or something, you cannot put it past them.