"I thought that most marriage recovery books state that affair must be discussed for healing to occur."
You keep harping on this. Yes.. It needs to occur. To me it is somewhat "situational". You have to know the "story".
"I love Dr. Phil's advice on recovery and Allen in infidelity is really posting some amazing excepts from recovery books. Really good stuff."
Dr Phil is a "hardliner". Best I can suggest for reading here is Lostpuppy. Kalni has not chosen this path. Why?.. I am not really sure. The issue becomes what is.. the best path for Kalni.
"Can you communicate by letters or emails? Rather then a conversation? That has always worked better for my hubby. He gets so anxious and upset that he wants to leave the room. Perhaps your husband is the same way?"
Kalni's man is more "girly". If you read around he has most of us men really confused. 9 out of 10 men would now be bending over backwards.. selling whatever we could.. to make Kalni ours. The confusing issue is why he is not! Talking, emails, any form of communication does not seem to work. Maybe Kalni is really "Crazy" in RL. This I don't know. I suspect she is kinda "Crazy".. but that is what I like about her!
"The red flag bothering me is no sex, Not sure how you are thinking about it."
LOL.. It is very obvious what she is thinking about that! As a clue.. his Love Language is NOT physical.
"This and the drama queen brings back memories."
Crazy Talk!
"in H's case, it wasnt just sex."
Like I did not know?
"I think that is what makes it more painful."
Of course it would.. Some might say it is that "Emotional" connection he shared with her. His actions.. have now affected your reaction!
"She wasnt just a girl he fancied and went to bed with. She was a relationship."
That is exactly what he was looking for. He found it. The kicker is that "somewhere" in that.. you stood out.
"He loved her."
He loves you more.. from what I see.
"She will always be one of the loves of his life. A big one judging by what he did to have her...."
What will he say about you.. 2-3 years from now?
"I have admitted I was in love and felt loved, but I wont share with him anything if he doesn't want to hear it."
Hmmm.. So he thought it not true.. somehow understood that it was.. now what does he not want to hear? <---- some signs in that statement.
"I agree with you. He needs to do work with me and I can lead him to."
Really?
"It's just that insecurity and resentment are making me feel bitter and hopeless often..."
Or is this winning?
"It was a fantasy an escape of sorts for whatever he couldn't really face. Why give it more weight then that?"
Amen!
"You seemed to have made progress towards achieving your goal...of saving your M...over the last few weeks. I've always said that, as long as there is no further contact with OW, that, time is on your side. Work it."
Time.. is.. and has been.. your friend!
"What exactly makes the relationship K's husband had with this OW a lie? As Maria has shared the bits and pieces, it seems as though this was infatuation and deep emotional feelings. Isn't that in fact what K struggles with?"
To answer the 2nd question.. yes. I am not sure who said it was a lie to the 1st question. It happend.
"A man who will not be physically intimate with the woman he claims to love is not being truthful."
But.. based on the email's.. he still does not "fit the mold".
Based on your statement.. he really did not "Love" the OW.
"K, I know you have at least one friend from this community who would tell you that you should not be settling for what you already had before. You KNOW this."
Let me be clear.. Maria file for Divorce tomorrow! Even if it takes a year!
"It sounds strangely to me as though you are accepting less than what you should have to accept. Where is his progress?"
Bill.. there is some. It is tiny. It is hard to pick out. But it is there.
"...retreating back to the shadows...."
Poppycock!
"I think this attitude is a way of avoiding the truth sometimes."
Why would someone avoid the truth?
"Often, K posts something about her disappointment I feel, it gets turned back to her- well you are not being patient enough, kind enough, understanding enough. He is trying in his own way etc."
Well.. she is the only one posting. DB.com has a weird "aura" about it. If you can only talk to one person.. what do you suggest?
"I got blasted on another thread for posting my opinion that was less than rosy. A true friend is not one who sugar coats things but is kindly blunt and honest about what really is."
This is a really good quality to have. I suspect.. this is a big reason Kalni wants you to keep posting!
"June, I am not in a bad spot. I chose the spot I am in..."
This.. is a huge.. huge.. step forward.
Kalni.. I can't say it enough.. Keep being you.
It is enough.
You will understand that one day. No matter what happens with you and your "girly" man!
It is no wonder "women" flock to him. I am jealous!
To me I still think you need to step back to the small things that worked in the past. I think you have become too focused on the "wrongs". Based on that assumption (by me) I would like to see a more concerted effort from you on doing little things. I think you know what I am saying and will not elaborate on them unless you want me too. No matter what your LL is.. your actions will always produce a reaction. That reaction should be assessed as Good/Bad. The Bad.. you stop. The Good.. you build on. Now I do ride a Unicorn.. and am full of "Crazy talk".. but I have worn your shoes (they were tight.. and I could not wear them long) and "won".
Good Morning!
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
