You're dead on that this has come up before. I wonder if he feels like he was never entitled to any of it and that when I received it that it marked him or anything he could provide as unnecessary. He also mentioned again tonight how much less money he makes than I do, and his voice shook when he said it. I agree with resentment or insecurity or a combination of the two.
I'll have to think of how I can reframe this. I am unsure of how to go about that.
These are excellent suggestions. So glad you brought these up to me. I imagine he'll be here over the weekend, so that's when I'll have the datebook ready and be prepared to bounce the ball right back in his direction.
Thanks for the virtual sushi! You're too good to me. I won't be able to stop thinking about sushi now, especially since I thought about it all day. Thursday night is my favorite TV night, so I may get some takeout sushi and watch my shows that night. I'll have my sushi yet!!
Yes 8, I did get some sushi - bought it at the super market and ate it in bed with a glass of wine. I think its so wrong of you husband to agree to meet for dinner and then keep you in the car talking.
I don't feel qualified to give advice since my own DB efforts have been a failure. However, it seems like your husband wants to make this all your fault - maybe so he doesn't want to take responsibility and feel guilty.
Hang in there.
Last edited by mrbt; 03/25/1002:10 AM.
Me: 45 WAW: 45 | M22 | T25 | No Kids Nov 09 W Filed | Dec 09 Separation Mar 17 2010 Divorce Papers Signed | Divorce Hearing Cancelled Moved back home May 2010 PA Confirmed June 2010 | W left Dec 7 2010
I know about the Twilight Zone. Ugh. It does sound like depression. I hope he gets help...
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Honestly, this all sounds like a bunch of BS to me.
It is terribly rude to make plans to have dinner then get trapped in a car for a terribly emotional talk without prior knowledge. Next time kindly tell your H that if he invites you to dinner you expect to have dinner as planned. If he wants to talk that is fine however springing it on you when it suits him is not something you care to have happen again.
Your H asked you out to let you know his legal plans. He needed to feel like the "good guy" so he framed it as "exploring options" and followed up with all kinds of tears.
My H sat here and sobbed like a baby when he said he was divorcing me. He said how much he loved me, how I was his best friend, the only person he felt bonded to and how it was the saddest moment of his life. Right. If any of that was even close to the truth he would not have walked out and went right to OW's house.
Your H feels guilty so it is much easier for him to lead you to believe all the stuff he said. It is for his own benefit to help ease his guilt.
Depressed people stay in such a state because they cannot admit they have a terrible problem or they are so far gone they don't even know what a state of depression they are living in. If he is aware he is depressed and has access to health care or alternative methods to address his depression then it's odd to me he is *that* sad yet chooses to do nothing about it.
I am sorry but this routine is something that is posted here almost each day. Sure, it tugs on your heart strings to see the person you love appear to be so conflicted yet they still are making the choice to "check out their legal options".
I would make an appt. to see an attny ASAP to also check out your legal options. If you really think about it, it makes no sense that he tells you that you can have it all and it all belongs to you anyway yet he still feels the need to check out his options.
If you were asked out on a first date and you met the person you were going out with at the restaurant and instead of following through with the plans to share a meal they trapped you in the car for close to 3 hours what would you think?
Guilt, depression, fear and all associated with walking away from a spouse are only things the WAS can address and change. There is not a reason in the world for him to cry and burden you with his stuff. Being left is hard enough without having to listen to this.
mrbt, I'm so glad that you got some sushi. In the bed with a glass of wine is even better. That may be my exact night tomorrow night!
I agree with you about my H wanting to make this my fault. I'm the anchor dragging him down in life. I'm the reason for his misery. He has projected so much of his own unhappiness on me, but I guess it's the nature of the beast.
Thanks, CityGirl, for your comments and for sharing some of your personal experience with a sobbing and guilt-ridden H. I'm sorry for your experience, but I'm relieved to know that my case is not terribly rare or unusual.
I think my H may fall into the category you described as "so far gone they don't even know what a state of depression they are living in." That pretty much sums it up for him. He doesn't think there's anything wrong with him, which is why he hasn't done anything to help himself. The fact that he quit taking his medication means nothing. Evidently he was miraculously cured and no longer needs the medication. The real source of his unhappiness is--you guessed it--me! Not his chemical imbalance and family history of it.
Thanks again for your thoughts. Stop by again any time.
flowmom, I sincerely hope he gets some help, too. It's painful to watch, and I'm growing more disgusted with his family for not recognizing any of this. I guess I don't know for sure that they haven't, but I feel sure that if his mother told him to get some help that he would. [What she says goes, in other words.]
