Penny Tuppy's confrontation and protection phases is what you have summed up here, she has an eBook that outlines them in detail, about 60 pp and worth every penny.
Some tips :
1. When discussing your H's affair with friends, family, OR with him refer to it as "infidelity", don't call it a "relationship" as this legitimizes something sleazy and destructive and puts it on the same level as your marriage, which it is indeed not. (Puppy also doesn't like the word "affair".. I am divided on that one...)
It's not that I don't like the word "affair" -- in fact, I recommend you CALL A SPADE A SPADE, and CALL it an "affair." Our discussion that night Allen revolved around "open marriage." I felt that was even a stronger term to try to jolt a betrayed spouse into action -- as in, "Dude, are you willing to live in an OPEN MARRIAGE?" It suggests cuckolding, which is (rightfully), repulsive to most committed spouses.
