Thanks for the lists full of great ideas...the solutions are so clear and well placed. I have to admit taking one cheap shirt that I can only remember her crying in and misplacing it for her. And like you said, I can find solutions that are better with effort.
I know I need to stop excuses and do it to make my M a success...I'm just a confused and need to digest things. If it doesn't come from my heart, I'll know & she'll know. I have to believe in what I do and why.
I'm now ready to take the leap of faith that eventually her fears will settle down as time heals her wounds, her IC helps her deal with the aftermath of the D word, and she comes to see my love is real.
However, I think today I realized my final hurdle is ahead of me - am I ready & willing to accept and love her unconditionally, along with the many problems & differences that will be unsolvable? I couldn't be - My eyes are still looking at other couples and wondering if I can be happy with her when we still can't understand each other quite often (language, culture).
One book I read suggested greiving over the things you wanted in a marriage that you'll likely never get - to accept reality and hope for more instead of waiting for fulfillment of expectations. Grieving might be a harsh way to look at it, but there are some things I won't be able to do. I know she's easily hurt. ADHD is like the gift that guarantees I will put my foot in my mouth and hurt her accidentally. She holds grudges, judges intentions, and stews before she blasts. I have to accept that love is worth the pain I'll repeatedly get, barring a personality change/growth or a miracle impulsivity drug.
I told her today that I really needed her to accept me for who I am now. Not to accept me on the condition I change in some set ways she expects. I added that I will and am trying to not cross her boundaries, but I can't guarantee that. She said she can't.
For example, she wants me to have my eyes AND thoughts on her alone, and more. Without this, she says (but who knows) that she can't be happy with me. I find that so hard to get past. I finally love her, I think I'm getting what unconditional means, and the person who claims to have always loved me confirmed that unconditional isn't an option.
Love is powerful. I never really knew that it could have that much effect on me. Last night, she told me she thought she should sleep in our son's room for the next few months. Calmly, I said that I didn't agree that would be good, and that I wanted her to sleep next to me as we make our marriage better. I added that I didn't want to let anything else get worse. Well, she did share the bed, and I took a cautious step after another...and I'll leave it to say my hug grew. She has now taken a good step back from the separation she asked for (again!) two days ago.
Maybe in RV I'll make that final barrier dust. Maybe it will just snap one day. Then again, there are limits to everything. I think that I really have to deal with the things holding me back...
My limits that I think are holding me back from taking that last step are: - I need her full acceptance. If she doesn't like something in me, I need her to encourage that change, not demand it by using her "I want a separation" card. Similarly, I need to be willing to not expect any changes from her, but be willing to give small & kind nudges towards what I would like.
- I need forgiveness and a willingness to accept that intention matters more than action.
- I need to not have sex dictate to her whether I love her or not. While both of us are "higher need" in this dept, I'm just not turned on by her enough (yet?) to have her judge my love for her based on this. I can't live on the edge of that cliff where W judges my love based on my bi-weekly performances.
- I need to accept her intellegence as a gift from God, not as a challenge.
- I need to be able to live without having expectations, fears, and such controlling my life when she mentally chooses to hold them back to "test" me. In other words, I need to be trusted, not tested.
- I need to accept her and my religious & social/worldview differences as an issue covered up by what we are similar in.
I know it seems like I just got to take the leap, but with her 7th request for a separation since January on top of suggestions that D is the only solution, I just can't retract the D statement just yet. I've said to myself (or been told) a million times that the D stage we're in is holding us back. But is it? I think it is that unconditional acceptance from both of us that is missing.
