OTMT, I think you are starting to feel hopeless. Don't. Will things turn around? Probably- persistence and time.
While you may think that your efforts are fruitless they are not. You wife is carefully watching and evaluating. She is scared to show her love for fear of being hurt. She probably has built up a wall.
A woman whose feeling are easily hurt is one that loves you. makes sense?
You will have to put forth an effort for quite a while before you see results. Ask anyone this is the way it works. Persistence pays. Self-doubt fails.
I like the WOA idea. You could write a kind note and list all the things you love about her and fond memories (the birth of your children is always a good idea). With the card you could give her a "re-commitment ring" and tell her you are removing the pending D. Regardless of how she feels you will be steadfast in your commitment and love to her and you will NEVER utter the 3 month D again. (OK, of course if she becomes a totally nutty crazy dangerous woman or severe drug addict or serial cheater- different story, if that would occur all bets off but no need to tell her this) You can tell her you have taken a journey of rediscovery and awakening and you now realize that your first short meeting that you felt some thing. Something that thought would make the two of you bond, something special. You can tell her you have no regrets, you would marry her again and this time, in hindsight, situations would have been handled differently. Women love honest genuine heartfelt sincerity. They love a man they will be vulnerable to them, like a dirty little secret. They love special looks, special moments, they like to catch you looking at them with a smile.
Women need constant reassurances, Men-IDK, I think it's different for them. I am not a man so I do not know. I think men need to be respected, and admired and appreciated, if I were to guess.
OK, I am rambling.
Fill her up with love and affection and eventually it will be returned. Certain of that. This woman does love you. She WANTS to love you she is unsure and scared.
No progress will ever be made till you remove the D decree.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
OTMT, IF you look back to the beginning of your posts I think you will gain some insight. You seemed hopeless, doubtful and in despair. You are such a changed man! And I am really liking this new person you are- alot! It took a process to get you where you are now. It took time and lots of hard work. It was not an aha moment.
Let her get to that point too.
I think one of the hardest things in marraige repair is waiting for the other person to "catch up" with the enlightenment you have, ya know? I don't think that most people are on the same page that often. They will get there but I think one is ususaly ahead.
Also, don't forget the normal backslides. It well know that 2 steps forward, 1 step back analogy applies to rebuilding a marriage it is not a linear journey upward.
At the very minimum you will never regret working on your marraige. Do it for her but do it for you too. Meaning find pride and peace that you are putting in the effort. Regardless of the outcome. I am pretty darn certain in your sitch though the outcome will be positive with continued effort.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
When she gets up, she grabs whatever. She's been wearing the same shirt and pants for 3/7 days this week. How can I think that beautiful? Doesn't she have to do something to look nice, too? Again, I just can't see the fairness in this. If she wants to be the hottest thing around to me, doesn't she have to help me out, too?
Well then take over the laundry and put her dirty cloths away so she has no choice to wear something clean everyday.
Each problem has many solutions. Find one.
And when she does put something new on compliment her. When she does not mention that you like this outfit on her. ( Write it down and when she wears it repeat the compliment )
And if she catches your compliment list. Explain to her truthfully how important she is to you that you wanted to make sure you did not forget and she is worth the effort.
Plus the cloths are a symptom of a problem. Not the problem.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Thanks for the lists full of great ideas...the solutions are so clear and well placed. I have to admit taking one cheap shirt that I can only remember her crying in and misplacing it for her. And like you said, I can find solutions that are better with effort.
I know I need to stop excuses and do it to make my M a success...I'm just a confused and need to digest things. If it doesn't come from my heart, I'll know & she'll know. I have to believe in what I do and why.
I'm now ready to take the leap of faith that eventually her fears will settle down as time heals her wounds, her IC helps her deal with the aftermath of the D word, and she comes to see my love is real.
However, I think today I realized my final hurdle is ahead of me - am I ready & willing to accept and love her unconditionally, along with the many problems & differences that will be unsolvable? I couldn't be - My eyes are still looking at other couples and wondering if I can be happy with her when we still can't understand each other quite often (language, culture).
One book I read suggested greiving over the things you wanted in a marriage that you'll likely never get - to accept reality and hope for more instead of waiting for fulfillment of expectations. Grieving might be a harsh way to look at it, but there are some things I won't be able to do. I know she's easily hurt. ADHD is like the gift that guarantees I will put my foot in my mouth and hurt her accidentally. She holds grudges, judges intentions, and stews before she blasts. I have to accept that love is worth the pain I'll repeatedly get, barring a personality change/growth or a miracle impulsivity drug.
I told her today that I really needed her to accept me for who I am now. Not to accept me on the condition I change in some set ways she expects. I added that I will and am trying to not cross her boundaries, but I can't guarantee that. She said she can't.
For example, she wants me to have my eyes AND thoughts on her alone, and more. Without this, she says (but who knows) that she can't be happy with me. I find that so hard to get past. I finally love her, I think I'm getting what unconditional means, and the person who claims to have always loved me confirmed that unconditional isn't an option.
Love is powerful. I never really knew that it could have that much effect on me. Last night, she told me she thought she should sleep in our son's room for the next few months. Calmly, I said that I didn't agree that would be good, and that I wanted her to sleep next to me as we make our marriage better. I added that I didn't want to let anything else get worse. Well, she did share the bed, and I took a cautious step after another...and I'll leave it to say my hug grew. She has now taken a good step back from the separation she asked for (again!) two days ago.
Maybe in RV I'll make that final barrier dust. Maybe it will just snap one day. Then again, there are limits to everything. I think that I really have to deal with the things holding me back...
My limits that I think are holding me back from taking that last step are: - I need her full acceptance. If she doesn't like something in me, I need her to encourage that change, not demand it by using her "I want a separation" card. Similarly, I need to be willing to not expect any changes from her, but be willing to give small & kind nudges towards what I would like.
- I need forgiveness and a willingness to accept that intention matters more than action.
- I need to not have sex dictate to her whether I love her or not. While both of us are "higher need" in this dept, I'm just not turned on by her enough (yet?) to have her judge my love for her based on this. I can't live on the edge of that cliff where W judges my love based on my bi-weekly performances.
- I need to accept her intellegence as a gift from God, not as a challenge.
- I need to be able to live without having expectations, fears, and such controlling my life when she mentally chooses to hold them back to "test" me. In other words, I need to be trusted, not tested.
- I need to accept her and my religious & social/worldview differences as an issue covered up by what we are similar in.
I know it seems like I just got to take the leap, but with her 7th request for a separation since January on top of suggestions that D is the only solution, I just can't retract the D statement just yet. I've said to myself (or been told) a million times that the D stage we're in is holding us back. But is it? I think it is that unconditional acceptance from both of us that is missing.
Oh my goodness, your sitch in some ways is so similar to the dynamics my hubby and I had. I can not go in to all the comparisons it would take too long.
Just us both wanting to separate at different times, my no longer looking as good as I used to, etc., no A, just lots of hopelessness and disappointment in one another, bad communication.
Anyhow, ours was pretty darn bad. Slowly getting better though...
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Completely ignore the separation requests from her. Disregard them. Her requesting them is b/c she is hurt. She is hurt because she loves you and is frustrated and feels hopeless. Also, this often is a subconscious test. A test that you will not give up. Women love to be cherished and "won over".
My hubby told me we were over- umm, about a million times-hehe.
Look at their actions, not words. If she can get easily hurt by you (with you earlier mistake) then she does indeed love you.
Just the way a teenager will scream at their parents- "I hate you" you know it absolutely not to be true.
Same dynamic here.
It is said a lot on this board. Judge by their actions not words.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I mean don't ignore her- address it. But don't take it personally. Don't let the separation talk hurt you, making sense?
A woman loves a strong, confident man they can rely on. Stand strong and do not waver on the marraige. AND THAT is why you have to remove the D degree.
Ok,ok I will shut up now about this...
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I like your advice it always makes me think. I learn tons from you.