Remember what you did when you saw the first flicker of positive response from her. You see, the first time so many men actually apply a tiny bit of toughness and man-up to their WAW...and see her "respond"....then he's scared to death to proceed--afaid he'll go too far! Don't you realize that "if" you actually have her looking on the computer for local MC's, then you've done something right? You need to continue.....don't stop! I keep telling you that she wants a strong man who she can respect. She doesn't want anyone she can use as a doormat.
Let me add this, don't ever fail to give enough credit to what a woman can think to do or "play" her H. I don't want to sound negative or dash your hopes, but I want you to be wise and know that she will test you! If you cave at the first little test, she will be done. Don't you know she knows you? Don't you think I knew my H backed up the computer history for months after he confronted me about my EA? Don't you think that we women know what to do to give our H's "hope" when that's all he's been living to see? Like I said....be wise.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Remember what you did when you saw the first flicker of positive response from her. You see, the first time so many men actually apply a tiny bit of toughness and man-up to their WAW...and see her "respond"....then he's scared to death to proceed--afaid he'll go too far! Don't you realize that "if" you actually have her looking on the computer for local MC's, then you've done something right? You need to continue.....don't stop!
I do think that I did something right in that exchange b/c that is the first time she has ever willingly looked at MC and relationship articles. She has even read the majority of Surviving an Affair too. On the other hand, she has not mentioned a word to me about any of this so really don't know if it means anything. I think that what I did right was to send a truth dart her way. When I confronted, she said "we aren't together anymore" and I told her that we are still married, that she is having an A and that this is not working for me. If anything, I think that exchange may have penetrated the fog.
Should I follow this up soon with additional boundary setting re: OM or do I let her continue to read and think. I really did see how the tough love thing achieved a response and that this is definitely the way to get through to WAS. OTOH, I want to make sure that I don't push her away by coming on too strong. The thing that I struggle with is how to balance the warm and friendly (being that my problem was that I was withdrawn and depressed) versus the tough love stance?
Originally Posted By: sandi2
I keep telling you that she wants a strong man who she can respect. She doesn't want anyone she can use as a doormat.
I'm listening and I am getting stronger. I want me to be a stronger man and I will accept nothing less than continuous improvement in this area. I already see people reacting different with me when I make an effort in this area. Other women are starting to pay attention to me more now that I am not walking around with a defeated look on my face. This is confidence builder!
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Let me add this, don't ever fail to give enough credit to what a woman can think to do or "play" her H. I don't want to sound negative or dash your hopes, but I want you to be wise and know that she will test you!
I did consider this. It stinks to think she would stoop that low but I've been burned by her actions enough now that I take any hopeful sign with a grain of salt.
Hi 12bar, After all the wonderful input you've given me, I wanted to return the kindness. What a long road you've been on... I've been reading and reading your story this morning. I'm blown away by your perseverance as you continue to make yourself stronger and gain confidence.
Is it ok to inquire how you're doing with your situation? How are things progressing? This is the last post I found in your story, but it's from the end of last month- I'm still trying to find my way around - did I miss a newer post?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I haven't been posting as much lately but thanks a lot for checking in on my sitch. It has been a long ride so far but there is a saying around here that DBing is not a sprint, it is really a marathon. Not much more progress on my end recently. Me and my W ended up having a tough R discussion this weekend and if anything, things are worse now than they were due to some new revelations about how W feels about me. In some ways, these revalations hurt worse than her A but, they do give me a lot of clarity into what is important to her right now and how we have ended up where we are. It hurts but I really am looking at this as things are going to get worse before they get better and that they ultimately will get better no matter if she stays or goes. I hope your weekend was good, heading over to check on your thread now.
Hi 12bar, That's a good saying - helps me to remember to stay patient. How are you doing this week, with a few days passed now since your tough R talk this weekend?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
A lot has happened since the conversation a couple of weekends ago. She actually agreed to a MC session last week when I told her that I was scheduling one and that she was welcome to attend if she wanted. She sent me a email saying she was nervous about it and that I may need to "prep" her. I just told her that it would be a neutral environment and to just be honest. There was a form with a bunch of questions about how we feel about our spouse that we were both supposed to fill out and send prior to the session and she did not bother to do this. The counselor spoke to us both individually and then brought us back together to see if she was on board with a plan to move forward with trying to improve the M. W was just shut down at this point and could barely utter the word "no" when asked if she could start to work on the R. During my individual session, the only thing the counselor let on about their discussion was that she was definitely in a fog. Left this session feeling much more like giving up but my W keeps doing things that confuse me to no end.
It the talk the previous weekend, she told me that she was shutdown and that she had again been thinking of moving out. The day after counseling, she told me she was going to hang out with a friend and she called later and asked if I wanted to meet them out for dinner. I met them out and we had a nice dinner and I mostly listened to her and her friend vent about work (they both were in a frustrating meeting at work). As we were leaving to go to our cars, I just told her that I will see you at home and walked off to my car.
The next day, I woke up in and just really did not want to be around her (emotionally drained!). She picked up on this and got really upset saying that she can't stand it when I am like that and said "tell me how much money you need to keep things going with the house and I will move out". She then brought up how she was upset that I had just walked off from her the previous night and didn't linger a bit to talk to her after her friend went to her car. She won't break it off with OM, refuses to commit to work on M but gets upset when I show a lack of interest in her. Hmmm....
Later that day, she is talking about how we should redo some shrubs in our yard and that she might buy a fountain or something I still see some evidence of actions leading to her moving out but today she invited me to do some things with her that are more long term in nature (trip in a couple of months, and a long term hobby activity that won't be complete for 8 months)
I need to stop trying to make any sense of this although I sometimes wonder if OM is waffling and keeping her in limbo as well! I have always assumed he is single but starting to wonder if I should do US SEARCH and see if he is married. If he is married, that is one exposure that I would not hesitate to do. I just feel that after a year of EA/PA, why would she not have left to be with him. Arrgggh...MUST DETACH....SO FRUSTRATED!! Eight months post bomb and here I still sit in limbo. I can definitely see myself moving off of the Bo-Peep track and on to the "Ghandi Approach" track very soon.
On a more positive note, I had to give a major presentation to senior management at work this week and totally kicked butt so at least I am starting to feel my career mojo finally starting to come back! My therapist keeps telling me that I have to invest in myself so I keep thinking that I am going to re-dedicate myself to work and finishing my graduate degree. Plus cycling season is upon me and I will get to start riding many miles in the sun and getting to socialize a lot more than I do now. I am so glad spring is here!!
Hey 12bar, great to see you posting again. That must be frustrating; all those mixed messages. Makes me think of all the mixed signals I've sent to my H since I began MC; same kinds of things your W is doing. One moment I'd be telling him that if there weren't changes soon I'd be out the door; the next moment I'd be making summer holiday plans with him... I guess for me it was just... hope. Hang in there. That must be very confusing and hurtful to be on the receiving end. You're going to keep going to MC, right, even if she doesn't?
It's great news that you're finding your interest returning for work and gave a great presentation. I would think that re-engaging in work would help you detach a lot... anything that strengthens your confidence. And finishing your graduate degree, wow - more power to you!
I'm glad spring is here too; smiled when I read that! I was thinking that very thing while I was walking the pups tonight. Keep posting; keep detaching - it sounds like things are going well for your right now - yay! Take care, will watch for your next post. -PG
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Thanks for checking in! Life was pretty good this weekend as I was able to get out for a long bike ride for the first time this year. It is supposed to get up close to 80 degrees here in the northeast this weekend so I am going to make a long weekend out of it and spend some quality 12bar time.
I am thinking of starting a new thread this weekend and letting this one die off. Spring is in the air and seeing all the new growth outside is inspiring me to try to grow as well. I got a lot of good advice on this thread but there is a man in this thread who lost himself in his M and became weak and pathetic.
I still see some evidence of actions leading to her moving out but today she invited me to do some things with her that are more long term in nature (trip in a couple of months, and a long term hobby activity that won't be complete for 8 months)