Is this piecing?

[Lost Rabbit]

Come on spill the beans Hope, so glad youre getting help from everyone..

[Butterfly1]

Friends this post from two days ago is what Max is referring to. I turned around an old pattern:

H got in a fit when I didn't have dinner cooked when he got here. One of the 180's I've done is to cook dinner every night (prebomb I only microwaved!). But for obviously reasons I didn't feel like doing anything for H or our "family".THank goodness Gno had reminded me to not react and keep doing what I"m doing...or I would have given H major attitude tonight. Gno advised to not do LRT so I kept DBing.... H started to storm out to the store to get his own meal. I asked if he'd pick up a few things and he started getting nasty.

I said straight =- "what is annoying you?"
H gets all nasty and complaining and I just stayed calm. "I"m tired, I didn't plan a meal ahead, I should have, I want something fresh." I said I would cook and he said "don't because I can't guarantee how I"ll react or eat it."

I just ignored him and whipped something up. Some yummmy curry with rice.

H sat with his head on the table it was weird. I didn't react. I served some food even though he had threatened not to eat it.

He had three servings and I got a "thank you that was really good."

Did another one in a similar vein today:

PLanned to fly with H and S. You all know H bought the plane - this would be the first trip with S and I.

when we arrived to meet him for the drive to the airport, H started one of his fits again. He started complaining that the carseat was too dirty and he started criticising me for not cleaning it when he asked me a week ago and then not offering to help clean it now..etc kept going at me like that. I asked him to stop being angry. He said he wasn't = this is all typical pattern.

I breathed, took a step back and when he started escalating to "Maybe we shouldn't go I"m not enjoying this>" I agreed and said unless he could calm down we shouldn't>"

S started crying that dad was letting him down, or that if we went somehow the airplane wouldn't be safe, because H said if dust gets off the carseat into the engine it could be dangerous, so S was scared....

H seethed in car and I stood there. H got angrier "If you're going to play power games, I'm leaving in on minute - " I didn't want to be bullied but then I saw how this was going in the same old pattern and I said ok, let's go and calmly and quietly put S in the car.

I usually would try to talk to H about his attitude, but I left it. I did silently have tears though. H gets like this and then blames me for it not being fun - a symbol of his attitude for our whole R. He's part of the problem, yet he blames me for his unhappiness and tries to leave to solve the problem.

BUt he didn't. I calmly asked how I could help. He said don't talk about this, he hates this, kept going. So I said, ok, then, stop talking about it.

He went on a business call for a few minutes. When finished, I continued, maybe we shouldn't do this today if it's going ot be like this. I wasn't retaliating, I was serious.

H said he was calmer now, sorry for having a fit, that even if I don't do everything I say I will or get prepared early, that he shouldn't react like that. I thanked him and left it.

Dropping it is a big 180 for me. and not defending.

So I thought about his complaint - and decided I needed to be better prepared and better about the time if I was to not push his negative buttons. The rest of the day I kept track of the time, was really organized and even when he was stressed out and a bit snappy, I just stayed focussed on having a good day. We had a lovely flight and very happy.

I oohed and aaahed over the plane, and congratulated him. I hid my resentment lol. I stayed as upbeat and postive as I could. When he could tell I was uncomfortable, I simply said I was tired (also true) and I showed words of appreciation - I appreciate you taking us for a lovely flight and I really enjoyed it so did S. IT was really exciting and I appreciate all the work you've put into becoming a good pilot.

LEft it all positive. Didn't ask for a hug when left although I was dying for one.

Inside, it's so painful to be having good days like this and progress and H still in his fog and saying we could never be together. Feels like an uphill battle and I wonder if I'm an idiot for acting as if we're going to be ok instead of going dark to shock him into attention.

[Butterfly1]

FM said" if there is hope for reconciliation, at some point it's common for the LBS to become the WAS. "

This is what I mean - should I be doing this now instead of continuing to connect with H.

[flowmom]

H4L congrats on the 180s. I'm glad that you feel good about how you handled those sitches. I find it hard to read the vibe of them from your posts, but it sounds like you are trying new things. I think it is wise to not engage your H when he is baiting/being passive aggressive.

Regarding whether to be the WAS...I can't comment on that. But when I referred to that, I meant when the LBS starts to feel like the WAS internally. I don't think you're there yet.

[alice444]

{{{{{Hope}}}}} way to go, girl.

[gutwrenching]

H4L - awesome job - incredible that you pulled it together after the events of the past couple of days. Be proud, you are still the stronger one in a very tough mess. And I'm impressed you can go thru all this and still have the energy to really help others out. Thank You
(())

[Butterfly1]

THanks all - and FM yes, I am doing 180s. Disengaging from the fights, de-escalating, and calming H down.

Still confused about the pill thing. Very scary. Was going to meet with L tomorrow but can't because S is home sick.

Someone asked me early on if H is a narcissist - my dad thinks so. I'm getting a whole new view of H and thinking this "it takes one to tango" thing is not the best stance for me anymore. Can't tango with someone high on drugs and blaming me...

[Butterfly1]

Sorry about my rambling post earlier - maybe it is hard to tell what I"m saying. What I"m saying is today I got an apology and H owning his own bad behavior.

I deserve so much more. BUt I must acknowledge it's progress.

So, two nights ago and today, my progress: not reacting, standing up for myself, confronting H,
and the result:
de-escalation and apologies.

And thanks for the ovation everyone

[Cadet]

Good job on the flight and doing your 180's. My .02 is this, I think, and you will agree that your H is still in his crisis. What you do or don't do, I do not believe has much influence on the final outcome of your sich. Yes, you can make it worse, but you probably can't make it much better. You have to wait for his crisis to be over and try to survive until that time, what board you are on or how you act is irrelevant(at least in making him come out of this faster). He will be done cooking when he is done. No sooner.

Try not to live on his every positive or negative day. You are going to have those. Life is ups and downs. Try to react so that it is the easiest for YOU! Yes DB'ing can help in the short term, and the long term but it will not end his fog any sooner, only time will fix that. And it is an unknown quantity.

I hope you have a great passover. I will be trying to enjoy mine. Don't eat too much matzoh.

[Lost Rabbit]

Well done again hunny!

The LBS becoming the WAS is more to do with once the WAS seems to back the LBS loses the will to live and becomes a WAS themselves.. Thats exactly me at the moment.. Trouble is its not the R thats causing it all, its me just wanting to run away because its all got beyond too much for me.