No longer sitting on the fence

[motherof3]

Okay you asked for it so here you go.

I haven’t updated my sitch in awhile for two reasons.
1. I am not really sure what to write anymore.
2. I am trying to distance myself from the boards a little bit. My involvement was becoming quite an addiction.

Where did I leave off?

It has been over two weeks since I spoke to my DB coach. At that time, I was debating on whether to invite H to a ‘family’ Chuck E Cheese outing.

Lori challenged me with some questions. Is this doable for you? Will you be able to handle this meeting in a positive manner? Will this meeting do more harm than good?

She reminded me that this is family time. Let loose and have some fun. However, at the same time, don’t push H. Don’t show hope of R. Just enjoy the time together with the kids.
If H brings up the fact he doesn’t want to provide me with a false sense of hope, just reinsure him that this is just about the kids.

The goal to try and achieve during this family outing is to create an atmosphere where H feels relaxed. No added pressure. Make H feel safe and ultimately more connected to the family.

One thing she said that stuck in my head is that I shouldn’t look at the why’s. Meaning, does it matter why H is going on the family outing with us. My reason and his reason are probably not the same, but does it really matter?

In the end I did invite H to go with us and he accepted the invitation. Nothing monumental happened. H feeling comfortable enough to join us on the outing seemed to be a positive in itself. I am leaving out most of the details, but overall, I felt our meeting when relatively well.

Lori also said that I need to work on starting up a friendship with H again. I need to start supporting H as a friend. Ask him what he has been up to? How was your weekend? Etc. Bid back and forth with him.

This terrifies me. I don’t know how to do this. H is the people person, the extrovert. After all, his career is in sales. Me? I am in finance, the introvert. H’s opposite. This is one hurdle for me. Lori recommended I read John Gottman’s book, The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships. I have just started reading it.

Another hurdle that is hard for me to overcome is trying to be friends with someone who said ILYBNILWY, moved out, and basically quit on me and our commitment together. How can you justify being friends with someone like that?

[motherof3]

I am not a quitter. DB goals:

1. (Old goal) Effectively co-parent with H and address S4’s immediate behavioral needs. UPDATE: I am still working on this. I have setup a play therapy appointment for S4. Things with S4 have improved, but I still worry about him. Just the other day he asked me why daddy moved out and when he was going to come back home? His question broke my heart. H and I communicate on a regular basis regarding S4’s behavior.

2. (Old goal) H to ask about my day/life by inquiring how I am going. UPDATE: H has asked the typical question, “How are you?” But does not inquire about anything beyond that. I am working on answering his question with I am doing great. Today I yada, yada, yada… I am trying out this new ‘friendly’ thing.

No new goals yet.

[mindfull]

M- Hey there, friend!

This is a hard one for me to get my arms around, since, I am like your H, in sales, an extrovert...

However, I can totally relate about the terror of stepping outside the box, after all that's happened. A lot of people think I should take the (intimate) initative w/my H and just DO IT. I can't! I am terrified! (And, this coming from one who has not been too angelic in the past... !!)

So, I'll be interested to hear about the Gottman book.

But, if you need some good lines fed to you to build the friendship, you've got a SUPERB little ghost on your shoulder to do so! (ME!)

Fine me on the alt. I'll help!

I've missed seeing you! Hearing you! Reading you? LOL Something like that!

[motherof3]

MF - An extrovert? You? Really? I would have never guessed. LOL.

[flowmom]

Mo3...I think it's hard for you because you've had so little contact with your H. Every time you see him or talk to him you're going to feel some shock. It's going to take time to normalize things between you.

H and I are quite distant from one another, with high walls, but we see each other every day. And there is starting to be some normalizing. H has told a joke twice and has smiled a couple of times at things that I've said. Babysteps!

I'm creeping towards being a bit more friendly with H. But I don't think of is as a favour or reward to H in response to him dumping me. It's something that I think of as something that is more comfortable for me, and something that normalizes things for our children. I don't want things to be tense and strained indefinitely. I'm showing leadership in how we treat one another.

Thanks for the update. It's great that you're being mindful about your time on the forum. I know that's something I need to look at.

[motherof3]

How to build better relationships per Gottman:

It takes one small interaction at a time.

1. Give just a little more information. (How/Where do you draw the line between giving more information and staying mysterious at the same time?)

2. Ask open-ended questions in ways that express interest. (Again how/where do you draw the line? I don't want to come across as pursuing.)

This morning H emailed me about a tax related question. Rather than emailing him back I picked up the phone and called. During the conversation I think I accomplished both points above.

1. H mentioned that his brother and family were in town so I asked some open ended questions regarding their visit. H responded with more details then I would have expected. (baby step or just being talkative?)

2. I have the kids for Easter weekend so I shared with H my plans and extended an invite for him to join us (kids and I) for Easter brunch. H declinded. Without missing a beat the conversation moved on. Was I to aggressive here?

[motherof3]

H and I are quite distant from one another, with high walls, but we see each other every day. And there is starting to be some normalizing. H has told a joke twice and has smiled a couple of times at things that I've said. Babysteps!

FM - I have been following your sitch. You have so much strength. Babysteps are great. At the same time in my sitch I am very cautious as these babysteps may or may not bring me closer to busting the divorce. Odds are not in my favor. Regardless, these babysteps do bring me closer to providing a more healthy environment for our kids.

It's something that I think of as something that is more comfortable for me, and something that normalizes things for our children. I don't want things to be tense and strained indefinitely. I'm showing leadership in how we treat one another.

At the bare minimum this is what I am striving for.

[flowmom]

1. Give just a little more information. (How/Where do you draw the line between giving more information and staying mysterious at the same time?)

In my case it might be telling a funny story about something that happened with the kids. That's being "generous" without disclosing anything about my personal life.

2. Ask open-ended questions in ways that express interest. (Again how/where do you draw the line? I don't want to come across as pursuing.)

Sometimes it can be just looking at them expectantly (without saying anything) once they've said something...and they continue talking.

This morning H emailed me about a tax related question. Rather than emailing him back I picked up the phone and called. During the conversation I think I accomplished both points above.

I haven't phoned because I think it would feel invasive to my H...but if your H responded well then it sounds like a good call.

1. H mentioned that his brother and family were in town so I asked some open ended questions regarding their visit. H responded with more details then I would have expected. (baby step or just being talkative?)

That is a babystep. When H moved out he wouldn't say anything to me at all. So when he says anything beyond the bare minimum it's considered a babystep.

2. I have the kids for Easter weekend so I shared with H my plans and extended an invite for him to join us (kids and I) for Easter brunch. H declinded. Without missing a beat the conversation moved on. Was I to aggressive here?

I think it's fine because you didn't react to him declining. Wait for a while before the next invitation though.

[motherof3]

Thanks for the feedback Flow.

[motherof3]

I want to do the right thing in responding to an email from H. Any and all suggestions and opinions would be much appreciated.

H sent me an email today that addresses some upcoming logistics regarding the kids. One of the requests from H is below.

H wrote: "I have the annual National Convention in Nashville in August this year. It is the week of August 18th (Wednesday) through August 22nd (Sunday). That is your weekend (with the kids), but wondering if you would be willing to trade me Monday that week (16th) for Wednesday (18th) and Thursday (19th). I would take Tuesday too but since you are doing a favor for me, I don’t want to take away from your time more than 1 day (if possible)."

Points to consider.
A) This Convention is work related and he attends every year.

B) I am willing to help H out and take the kids on my unscheduled days of Wednesday and Thursday. However, trading these days for Monday and Tuesday complicates things.

C) Monday the 16th is oldest sons birthday. If I trade days with H I will miss out on celebrating with S on his actual birthday.

D) Tuesday the 17th is middle sons first day of Kindergarten. If I trade Monday with H that means the kids will stay at his house that night and H will be the one taking middle son to his first day of school.

E) August is five months away. I haven't even planned for next week let alone five months from now.

I am leaning towards telling H that I would be happy to help him out on the Wednesday and Thursday so that he can go ahead and firm up his travel plans. I would also tell H that trading these days for Monday and/or Tuesday is something I will have to think about and get back to him at a later date.

Thoughts?