S17 is still here. It's looking pretty much like he is giving up college completely if only because they have pretty much told him that if he doesn't give them information that they need to submit him for the exams in the summer he will no longer have a place anyway. He clearly isn't happy there. I've tried to point out that finishing something looks better than just dropping out but I think it's too late for that reflection for him. It did however lead to a very positive convo about what he is going to do.
To be fair to S17 he has changed a lot although he is still staying out really late far too often. However, I've had no violent outbursts (which is why I sent him to his dad's in the first place) even when I have had to raise my voice to him. For the last couple of days I have quite literally left him a page of jobs to do whilst I've been at work to show him that he cannot just sit around the house and do nothing. I expected to get an argument and didn't. He hasn't done all of the jobs and has only done selected parts of some but he has at least attempted most and done a good job. Today in particular I expected to come home from uni to find him having left me a message saying he had gone back to XHs. That didn't happen
I'd made it quite clear on the list I left for him last night that today we WOULD be having a 'make your mind up time' convo (hence why I expected him to be gone). We had that convo and whilst he got a bit agitated to begin with once I was able to show him that all I want is to help and guide him he settled down. He has set himself a target of going out tomorrow to get some more information on a couple of careers he might be interested in. He came up with the iede of where he could get information from himself and I naturally applauded and encouraged that.
Here is the irony.............. Yesterday S17 passed his theory part of his driving test (just). He hasn't had any communicatino with his dad since he left to come here but b/c he was proud of himself he let XH know by text that he had passed. XH sent congrats. HOWEVER, today when we were having our convo (as descrived above) he simultaneously got a txt from XH asking him what he was going to do. B/c our convo was at a high point in a positve way at the time S17 did not reply. 5 mins later he got another txt asking specifically which day he would be coming home and again S17 did not reply b/c we were researching the pay for one of his career ideas. A third txt came in fairly swiftly that just 'So?'. S17 was very diplomatic and just replied that he had not made any decisions about anything yet (which was the truth). Then came the shocker. He got an immediate reply to say that he had to make a decision soon, that he was old enough to do that now. He went on to say that rules and boundaries could not be broken and existed in all parts of life. XHs finest hour yet was to finish this txt message with telling S17 that if he chose to stay here he could never change his mind and go back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sure you don't need me to tel yuo that S17 is really upset right now. Neither of us can believe that XH would put that in a txt message. S17s GF thinks OW will have had influcence over this abut whilst I know OW is V controlling I was shocked that XH would let her dictate his relationship with his own children in this way. For my part I was amazed that he sent the txt b/c if S17 does stay here he looses out on about �300 a month which will be about a third to half of his monthly mortgage payments.
Despite this S17 is yet to make a definiteve decison but has sid that for the immediate future he wants to stay here. I've told him that I am happy with this but that I can only afford to pay XH for nothing for a maximum of another two weeks and explained that it's not b/c I don't want to pay my way for my child but that by paying XH when S17 has not been there for so long and also me feeding etc S17 myself it is not financieally viable or fair on his siblings b/c money that I am effectively giving away to XH could be spent more effectively on them (and S17 of course).
So, that's my update. I suspect the next week or so are going to be a bit rocky in terms of having to liaise with XH but I'm prepared for that.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
