WAW and me in 11th hour!!!!

[Ken62]

Thanks again Puppy!

Can you offer any advice from my post before that one?

Thanks,

Ken

[sandi2]

You said she doesn't think of you as her H. She is wanting to D you and move to where OM is and yet when having that three hour conversation where she thinks of you as her friend, you bring up the subject of ML.

Brought up the subject of our ML at some point in the future and she said that she has been thinking about this but is not ready for it yet

Why would she want to ML to a friend?

That is completely illogical and inappropriate. She was being nice by saying she wasn't "ready" for that yet.

If I were this WAW, I would be tempted to tell you that it would take more than two months for your changes to stick. She has been M to you for 25 yrs. Why should she think you would change that quickly and not backslide if she gave you another chance?

[Ken62]

Borrowed this from another thread but I really needed to see this and hear this from robx!

Man up LD.
You can't do this, the roller coaster ride that, going down hill this, haven't reached detachment that.... seriously it's UBER unattractive, if you've been acting like this and I'm sure your body language has been showing this unattractive side if you're not out & out verbally acknowledging all this stuff with your wife.

Let's take a recap of the situation here:
- your wife treats you like crap
- seems like she's assertive, aggressive, bossy, disrespectful
- she's probably been like this for a long time
- you've probably been taking this crap behavior for a long time

What are you holding on to?
You're holding on to a person who doesn't want to be with you.
Look I get it, you love her, but if she can't reciprocate that love back to you because she doesn't want to or because she's interested in someone else (my guess), you are looking pathetic by holding on.

Let go, seriously you can force her to be with you.
No amount of anti-depressants is going to fix this, so if you want my 0.02 cents, deal with it, its hard at first but you will be ok, trust me.

You right now have a bigger responsibility at stake,
you need to be a strong man for yourself first and for your children second. You can't be this broken person and mope around and take drugs to make you feel betters and all that crap, you have to dig down deep, and find that strength and courage that exists in all of us but it exists in areas where we're scared to go because we need to be pushed past our comfort zones to realize and actualize that hidden potential but it's there, you just have to be brave enough to go get it.

Say you're overweight, you weigh 400lbs. for example.
Working out is going to be tough.
Dieting is going to be tough.
It sucks to work out everyday and it sucks to feel hungry everyday because to lose weight and do it properly you have to count calories, you have to restrict yourself, you have to force your body to use up it's stored body fat and you do that by working out hard and eating alot less. So it's really hard and the reality is you have to do it for a really long time to get back into shape and so far I haven't made any of this sound great or appealing.

But that's the beauty of it, that's the appeal of it.
It's tough, when all is said and done and you've lost all the weight and you invested all those hours, days, weeks, months, years into getting into the best shape of your life and seeing your abs again, that's the victory. Of course it was hard, it had to be, anything really worth doing is usually freakin' difficult and it involves doing things that we don't want to do but when you're done and you reached your goal, you're proud of yourself, look at what you accomplished against all odds, you did it.

DB'ing is similar, you have to do the things that are hard, that are uncomfortable, that suck, that are counter-intuitive, you have to act as if, you have to move on, you have to do 180's which means doing things you normally don't do, you have to get a life, you have to show your wayward spouse that if they don't want you anymore, fine, its regrettable that it got to this point but you will be fine, hold that, better than fine, you will be f!@#$%* awesome and it will be there loss and that's the truth, it will be there loss and that's when they'll have their epiphany, that's when they'll say, "I made a mistake, what the hell did I do?!" and then you'll be the one deciding if you want to take this flaky person back into your life because you have really high standards and apparently they don't meet those standards yet, you get to be picky with who you share your life with because YOU CHOOSE TO DO SO!

Are you feeling me bro?
I hope so, I hate wasting my breath on people who don't listen.

I have been backsliding terribly. I saw a little progress and then tried to force things and threw out all that I had done for myself. I was doing great at GAL and PMA and was feeling good about myself and then W talks to me and says that she is starting to remember the good times and I get all hopeful and then she drops the bomb that she is moving back home (1000 miles away) in June for at least the Summer and that she needs to be with family and see what the future holds with OM and I get sucked right into her drama!

I then think about the D being final in 2.5 months and I start to panic and try to plan out how I can get her back in that time. I try to force R talks and M talks and plan “dates” and times that we can be together so that she can see the new me. I did everything wrong and I have to go back to putting me first and her last and if she leaves and the D becomes final then she leaves and the D becomes final but I will have a head start on me and I will keep DBing because I believe in my M and I love my W but I am NOT going to sit around like some puppy dog on the sidelines and be treated like a doormat. I am going to GAL and have fun with people and talk to and love my kids. I will pursue new friendships with OW and enjoy their company and hopefully they will enjoy mine.

There is NO calendar when it comes to DBing. I read it all the time here. It takes Patience! I’m going to go back and read Sandi’s list of things to do and don’t do because I’m sure I have not been following these very well lately. My W is NOT the center of my world I am the center of my world and I have to take care of that first and foremost!

My DB Coach Chuck had some really good insight on the WAS/MLC. He said to think of them as a person in a play of one with themselves being the only actor and everyone else is nothing more than set dressing or props and because they are the only person, they think that everything should go according to how they see things. No push back should come from anyone else because this is THEIR play. He also talked about it being an absurd reality to everyone on the outside but to the WAS/MLC it makes perfect sense.

When I’ve been talking to my W lately it seems that she can convince me of anything. It’s like she is a siren and I am just hypnotically brought into her absurd world and she can seem like it all makes sense and she has thought it out. I have to stop letting her do this. Any suggestions on how to ignore the siren’s call other than earplugs? 

I was ready to give up last night but I have a new determination today and I pray to God that he will give me the strength and wisdom to go down this road I have chosen to save my M and even if the D goes threw, it doesn’t mean that I have to stop trying!

Wish me luck,

Ken

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Good luck.

Puppy

[sandi2]

Any suggestions on how to ignore the siren’s call

What would you tell her about listening to the call of OM? Like anything else in life that you know is not the right thing to do.....you resist the temptation.

[Ken62]

Thanks Sandi,

I have been reading some other threads including the one from ninelives and some things really ring true for my sitch too. My wife just informed me on Sat. night that I was very controlling in our M and she also has had a bad relationship with her dad and she also has seemed to get what ever she has wanted from me over the years.

She certainly seems like the controlling one now but I'm sure if I pointed that out to her that I would be shot down instantly. I have also been looking at mza8, gr8 day 2B alive, Lost_Dad and TeleDad sitches and can see a lot of similarities in those too.

I know that my W needs IC and right now she is not even considering it. I also know that my W is in an EA and has no desire to end it and is even planning on going back there this summer to be with OM. I like what you have said in these other sitches about her living in the fantasy world and until the EA ends that she is not likely to come out of the fog. From her perpsective we are already D and the court approval is just a formality that will happen in June.

What is your best advise for me going forward in the coming days, weeks and months? She has been warming up to me in the last few weeks but I don't know how to interpret that because she is in an EA.

Thanks,

Ken

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Ken,

In my years on this forum, and nearly 15,000 posts between Puppy Dog Tails and Chocolateeyes, I've learned a thing or two about affairs.

It has been my experience that "You're controlling!" is a complaint of approximately 95% of cheating spouses, and near 100% of cheating WIVES.

Usually, I'll probe and ask the betrayed husband, "Was this a marital complaint of hers before her affair? Do YOU think it is legitimate -- WERE you controlling?" And in nearly every instance, they tell me "No, she's only brought this up since she's started her affair."

Puppy

[Piano]

Pup, not sure I get what you're saying about controlling. That the WAS is just making it up? Like another excuse for his/her behaviour?

I've been told I was the one that made decisions and was controlling, and that by walking AWAY, the WS is taking BACK the control.

Thoughts?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm saying that in my experience, "You're controlling!" -- when spoken by a cheating spouse -- is simply a deflection. It's similar to the "I just need space!" plea, which usually just means "I need space in which to conduct my affair, unencumbered."

[Piano]

Ok, thanks for clarification.
Sorry to hijack, but I'd be very grateful if you stopped by my thread some time in Infidelity.