Penny Tuppy's confrontation and protection phases is what you have summed up here, she has an eBook that outlines them in detail, about 60 pp and worth every penny.
Some tips :
1. When discussing your H's affair with friends, family, OR with him refer to it as "infidelity", don't call it a "relationship" as this legitimizes something sleazy and destructive and puts it on the same level as your marriage, which it is indeed not. (Puppy also doesn't like the word "affair".. I am divided on that one...)
2. When revealing the infidelity to friends, family, and your H, refer to it as "exposing" rather than "telling".. again use of the word "telling" makes it sound like YOU are the RAT, which you indeed are NOT.
3. When exposing make sure they know
a. You want to save your marriage b. Infidelity is addictive c. You, your children, AND your husband will experience long term damage from infidelity d. You appreciate any active support they can offer to pressure Husband into ending his infidelity
4. Don't let your Husband bait you into conflict, he will SEEK it OUT to legitimize his cheating. He feels guilty which is partly why he wants to separate. As long as there is conflict between you two, he will feel justified in pursuing infidelity as a solution.
