New to this Community seeking advice

[MichelleLT]

The tough love, stop the cake eating, etc. is more of a mid-life crisis issue. Something you do with a spouse who is out of control, spending, drinking, having affairs. Your W is not. You are giving her your BAH and she is being responsible with it from what I can tell.

Boundaries are not about being harsh or mean. They are about respect. You might find this interesting reading.

I don't necessarily think you have done anything wrong. You have consciously made 180s for yourself, you are living healthier and better, you are being a better (albeit long-distance) father and (to the extent allowed) husband.

You shook things up by having that conversation with her. I don't think you need to shake things up more right now, since almost anything will be perceived as pressure and make her move further away from you.

It's a boundary issue with you. Are you willing to let things be for a while? Do you really feel like she's cake-eating and taking advantage of you?