How to approach W about OM

[OfficerInNeed]

OIN, complimenting your wife is BLATANT pursuit.

If you want her to feel like you are a warmer person which is what it sounds like your objective is, then compliment something around the house or someone ELSE.

You don't have to rave about HER for her to realise you are warming up.

OR, you insert the compliment in a sentence indirectly.

I understand what you are saying and the point you are making. The issue had always been that I would compliment other things and not her as much. I created a low self-esteem for my W. My W thinks I don't think highly of her or find her attractive. When this all began in the first couple weeks my W told me she wants "unconditional love" to know that I love her no matter how good or bad she is, no matter how attractive/unattractive she may look from one day to the next. I always felt that way but never expressed it... If I don't compliment her someone else will and she will be drawn to that in her vulnerable state.

If she leaves for work and I fail to say tell her how nice she looks and she goes to work and some OM does. He is now doing something that I am not. My W will think "Thanks, but my H does not think so."

Rather than you being FRUSTRATED that she's shy why not try RESPECTING that like an adult and turning AROUND until she's clothed and such? Isn't that how an adult handles that?

During her affair my wife was like that as well, I just got up, smiled warmly, and said "I will give you some privacy so you can change..."

I suspect you aren't sending the right energy in the room when she's "shy" right now. You will need to fix that.

The point I was trying to make is, when this all began and up till 2 weeks ago my W was not "shy." It seems all of a sudden she started to react in this way. Ever since I first discovered this board and received feedback I have stepped way back giving her plenty of space. Its not like I am jumping in the shower with her or anything like that. I was just trying to get a better understanding of this sudden change

If your wife rolls her eyes when you compliment her STOP COMPLIMENTING her.

MWD makes it VERY clear in the book that if a 180 is NOT getting the response you expected then STOP THE 180 immediatley.

Understood but I also learned by reading many posts on this forum that every sitch is different and I found a some success stories that just because she does not respond to something does not mean it has no affect. She rolls her eyes because she does not believe me. She is only going to believe if I am consistent and sincere (so I think, then again I am not expert at this DB stuff)

I realize I could be in a much worse situation than I am and I don't take any of this for granted. I hope no on else who read this thread who is having far greater problems in their M takes any offense to any of my posts. All I can say as minute as my R problems are compared to others I still feel the hurt the emptiness and loss as they do.