Will I ever be forgiven???

[sandi2]

I want to know if we were to reconcile, will my WAS know what she has done to the LBS

When she comes all the way out of the fog.....and if her heart is right, then she will understand better, but I don't know if the WAW ever really "knows" unless she is betrayed. If it had not been for the LBS here on this board, I doubt that I would know as much as I do. My H is not the type of person to share his feelings (which was a large part of my problem in our MR). He has never really talked to me about his pain that I caused, but through other LBH's here I have been enlightened.

My remorse came in stages and when I did begin to see what I had done to my H and family.....it was more than I could stand. I think my mind would go into some kind of protection mode. Not what you wanted to hear, I'm sure.

I don't believe anyone can have assurances that it won't ever happen again, b/c like I said before....I would have staked my life on the fact I would never do it the first time. I am aware, now, of signs to look for and to stay away from anything that would be an "avenue" to temptation. My mistake was believing that I would never do something like that to begin with. The avenue that sucked me in was when I started playing games over the Internet. It became an addiction, plus I was horribly depressed, had health problems, was terribly lonely, had family problems and mostly M problems.....and then one thing led to another.......

I can only imagine how hard it would be to "trust" again. When I asked my H if he could ever trust me again, he said..."I have too!" In other words, that is the only way he could live. I think he came very close to having a heart attack over my EA and he could not live suspecting and wondering if I was being true to him.

So, trust would have to be a personal choice, just like forgiveness is a choice.

I have been concerned about some LBS that I have read posts from over a couple of years. I see a completely different tone than when they first came on board. They were left with so much hatred and bitterness and you can see it whenever they write. They hate all WAS.....and don't bother to read anything about the stitch and don't know the individual WAS....but they hate them. They group all the WAS into one category of sinners and hell is too good for them. I do not believe an A is justified.....ever. I don't like seeing anyone so full of vile that they spend their lives on this board spewing out that bitterness on any path they cross. They have allowed the WAS to continue to ruin their lives--instead of moving forward. If it has been a couple of years after the D and you are still here spreading your hate....it is time to move on. BTW, I don't have any of you here on this tread in mind when I say this. But, there are one or two still on the board that posts.

Don't allow the WAS to continue to ruin your life. If you can't trust them, always afraid they might do it again....and if you don't think you can ever forgive, then what kind of life would you have trying to live with them?

I don't know that I've been any help, but I hope so.