Well, he is a recovering addict, he has been clean now for 9 months, I know he attends his AA meetings and he is sober. That much I do know, however, he did say it was getting harder and harder to stay that way (Pain meds and alcohol both). So, I figured since he has been there, done that route with me the first go round, moved in with the OW and ended up coming home and gone again within 14 months, doesnt love me again and is divorcing me outta the gate, I figured it HAS to be OW...
I know! Same story here...Just remember that OW is a symptom...just like the alcohol or drugs!
Today, I am going back and forth between "I don't want to get divorced" But, I also don't know if "I still want H to come home".
These H's are not acting like the men we fell in love with and we are also having our own changes. I say that now and tomorrow I'll be a blubbering idiot! lol
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Jack was and is right; there is NOT always a OW/OM when the bomb is dropped. Most of the time it is for lack of opportunity.
The first time I got a "bomb" dropped on me was when my husband's mother died; there was NO OW then, but that was lack of opportunity. I got a first hand preview of what his MLC was going to be like for around 6 months..that was in 1996...at the end of that six months, he came out, I came out, neither one had learned ANYTHING....3 years later, in 1999, he had an accident that claimed someone's life; and that was the beginning of his MLC.
That time, there WAS an OW; and she came to light within two years after his started, just AFTER the bomb dropped on me again...I first found the Porn on the computer, that caused him to begin to "wake up" and begin to realize he could lose me if he didn't do something...then he tried getting rid of her; and she started hot pursuit..that is how I found out about her.
I don't think he ever meant for it to go as far as it did, but it did...and he paid dearly for that in terms of guilt and misery for quite awhile.
It seems the majority of the time when the bomb is dropped, OW/OM is hiding in the shadows, but NOT always. The percentage seems to be low that the "running" they do involves drugs/alcohol.
But there are cases out there like that; I just haven't seen any that I can remember here on the board in the past. I could be wrong, and my memory could be faulty about that one, too. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong.
That does NOT mean there aren't any, though...Flowmom comes to mind, she's over on Newcomers. Her husband is suffering deep depression, but unless I've missed something, he has NO OW at this time.
That's at least ONE that I can think of, present-day.
Again, and a gentle reminder, your journey is what's important, not your MLC husband's, and the issues that have put him in the place he's in...these are HIS problems, not yours. I can tell you from experience it will drive you crazy to try and understand how things have gotten to this place.
There will always be things you won't understand and have to let go into God's hands in this...I, too, faced many things I never understood, and had to let them go.
No one will ever understand everything and why it happens. Only He knows the whys and hows, He shows what is relevant to our marriage/life together, and the other He simply asks that we trust Him with what we cannot understand.
The human mind is so very complicated, we cannot even pretend to understand what goes on within; especially during this trying time.
Set your mind at ease, if you can, rest within His peace, and walk your journey, one step at a time, one day at a time.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I am hanging in there... really enjoying the new post for us LBS, some really interesting info there. I like being able to see where I am, which ones Ive made it through..
Im REALLY struggling with moving away with the kids. Praying about it. I just don't know what to do. I worry so much about my D7, she has become a MESS in this whole thing, really affecting her actions, she is so insecure now, she repeats herself all the time, I love you, I love you, and when I see her this way, it breaks my heart...she fears I will leave her too....
This is the part that is so hard on me. It's funny, now that its been a few months, and I have made plenty of mistakes along the way, I feel detached a bit more and more... I am worried about my kids. I miss being a family...but not with THAT MAN....oh no way.....
So, it makes it a bit easier... sometimes when he is here with the children I find myself looking at him and thinking, why are you so crazy in your head about this Insane Man? I love him though...unconditionally....always will.
I think its the in the middle of it all.... nothing it done yet. D not final. Ive not moved or not moved. Its all still in the air and I am a mess....
Hi! That is probably the hardest thing watching our kids have to go through this process too! My kids really seem to be doing ok...S14 misses his Dad but I am hoping that once the weather gets nicer, they will go do more things together than they have been. I do caution myself to keep my expectations low.
Mistakes are how we learn and grow! I am still working on detaching and think I am finally doing that now. I don't think as much about H, I don't remember the last time that I wondered what he was doing. I think I am finally accepting that this divorce is going to happen. I don't want him back in this state that he is in and know I have a lot more work to do on myself too!!!
I am sorry that you are struggling with the moving. You will be closer to family, right? It will be nice to have that support system. The kids will bounce back. My Dad was in the AF and we moved every 2 years...it was hard but we got to meet all kinds of friends and see lots of different places.
Well, hang in there...sounds like you are doing good despite everything!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
It is within the midst of this storm that the peace that surpasses all understanding falls upon you, R2.
God continues to watch over you, the children, and your wayward husband. Lay all upon Him, as His shoulders are more than big enough to bear this burden...you can't do it all.
His ways and thoughts are nothing like ours, neither is His time our time.
Give over all to Him; knowing He has the big picture and knows what's ahead; you don't and never will, know all.
He will work within you and help you to change into what He means for you to be; helping you grow into a better person than you were before.
Only He can meet your deepest needs at this time, no one else can do that.
Have a good weekend.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I have been reading posts and feeling like we are sharing a lot of the same frustrations around NOT KNOWING HOW TO DETACH or NOT DETACHING( the right way).
I have read the resources on this, I have read books on it as well. Nothing is helping. It is SO DIFFICULT to detach.
Any advice, Tips...please.
Thanks....sad, frustrated...just want to DETACH!!!
