Ok. I need more advice please. Once I have moved back how do I act going forward? How do I act towards her? withdrawn but pleasant? If I go somewhere and she is home, do I tell her where I am going? or just say I am going out? Should we do things together with the children? or individually?
How do I handle all the things I used to do before I moved out, things that she now has to do. eg. I used to take my son to school in the morning and pick him up in the afternoon. I would always cook supper as I currently work from home most days so I can get dinner fixed earlier for my son. I just dont want to go through all this effort of doing whats right for me and taking control of my situation, just to go back to getting walked all over because i dont have a solid plan on how to go foward in place
I woke up feeling like complete crap today. I am back at my house with my kids, but I feel so bad I find the nearest hole to curl up and die in. I think coming back home brings up a lot of negative emotions from the situation I'm in. In am worried I will not be able to hold up when W gets home. What should I do? Should I wait till I am stronger and maybe move back then? Or just bite the bullet and do it? Help!!!
Quick update. I have moved all my clothes back to my house. i have also confirmed that OM is not away from the office, so at least I know they are not together while she's away. I also confirmed she is really where she says she is.
Please can you give your opinion on the following, 180's I suppose you would call them. I want to be firm with my boundries, but dont want to end up bieng mean either.
Quote:
How do I handle all the things I used to do before I moved out, things that she now has to do. eg. I used to take my son to school in the morning and pick him up in the afternoon. I would always cook supper as I currently work from home most days so I can get dinner fixed earlier for my son.
Those are good questions. You treat her like you would if you were her uncle or cousin, visiting family. Be kind, courteous, respectful, and help out as much as she will allow you to, and as much as is appropriate.
It is so important that you appear to be strong and firm before your W. As a WAW she is going to feel very negative toward you so you need to expect that, but you have got to win her respect or the M is doomed. That is what you have to shoot for right now.....not her feeling good or lovie-dovie.... but respectful. Those other feelings will come after her anger wears down and the respect rises. I promise you that she wants to see you stand up to her and not take any crap from her.
You are nervous and scared of what awaits you. You are feeling uncertain. That is all normal. You have a lot you are dealing with right now.....especially since you've put the bottle down. I admire you for doing that. She will too, but you've probably got to show her you are serious about doing it and not just trying to do it to win her approval.
If you don't say everything the way you rehearse it, that's okay. The important thing is to know your values & standards. If you know what you stand on.....then the words will come to you. Remember that her anger cannot kill you!
I did not respect my H and the futher I wandered off into my WAW fog, the worse I felt about him. But, today I would not trade him for anyone. I don't think he will ever be that timid, passive man who would not speak up and stand up to me. I am glad......very glad.
A woman will test her H's "authority" as the leader over the family. I may get some negative feedback from some of my sisters about using that old fashion word, but it's how I see it. I do believe that a man should be the head of his family. That's certainly not to say that he should act as some kind of "lord" over his W. Every organization has to have a president/leader and whenever there are two presidents.....you have problems. JMHO.
So, you need to get your organization back in order and start making it work. You can do this, Greg. Have confidence b/c that is what women LOVE in a man. I can't tell you how attractive that is! Even if she acts mad......she will admire the confidence. So show your stuff.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I really appreciate your feedback from a WAW's perspective. I agree with you about the H bieng the one to lead his family - I think leader more aptly describes his role than Head. My IC put it quite nicely a while back, she said "the Husband must be the head of the house, and his wife must be the heart" I thought is was nice...
BTW I saw my IC today and told her about my plan... she agreed 100% that it is a good idea. She was very happy that for the first time in my life I was standing up for myself and not letting someone walk all over me.
This is the most difficult, scariest thing I have ever had to do, not just the moving back thing, but the whole road ahead that I must travel. But I am determined to do it.
I am so glad I found this place, else I would be sitting like a sorry sap in my brothers apartment right now, hoping one day my wife would give me a 2nd chance.
I will give you an update on how it went tomorrow.
Please pray for me guys, I need all the help I can get....
My Pastor would say that the H is the head of the home, but the W is the neck that turns the head. I like to think she is the "heart" rather than the neck. (lol) But either way, she is just as important......they have different roles to fill, as I see it. It is not a popular idea with many people but I think anytime you have two heads.....you have a monster.
I'm glad to know you think that way. You've got the right footing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
