Holy Crap! Didn't expect THIS!

[Dom R]

I said I thought he sabotaged things because he was afraid of intimacy and that he had fallen into a bad habit of always doing what he wants, when he wants, how he wants and that being a true partner meant giving that up.

I suspect its not that he had "fallen into" that habit, bu that he was actually always this way.

Unfortunately, he is someone that doesn't hold himself to keeping his word.

My guess is that he was never brought up to value keeping his word, as a matter of integrity.
And he never changed from that.. because people around him, allowed him to keep doing that.

I'm actually quite serious about the whole "little child" approach. It sounds like he simply has never matured (or has regressed) in that area.

A child does not learn responsability and integrity all by himself; he has to have it modeled to him. and even then, he needs to be held to standards of integrity by those around him.

You are now in that position. My guess is that he can "grow up", if you lead him to it. If you stand firm.

EXPECT that, if left to his own choices, he will back out. However, also expect that, if you hold him to keep his word (rather than just standing back and seeing what he does himself), that he WILL keep his word!

I do believe that all he needs, is for you to hold him accountable for his words and commitments. He seems to be responsive to you.

Maybe a change of metaphor: a growing tree, sometimes needs an asissting stake or pole beside it, to grow straight. Without that pole, it will just plain fall over!
But, after some time of growing, (and it may be a considerable time!)... the tree can eventually support itself.


(yet, some trees still need that pole there for the rest of their lives )