Heartbroken, Thank you so much for posting to me. You sitch sounds very close to mine. I've asked him to wait a few months 4-6 and he just replies with "I don't know". I've told him that a couple of times, and now I just need to let him ponder it. The paper work is ready to go at anytime, so there is something that is holding him back from filing.
I'm struggling with what to do about living arrangements. I really miss having my kids with me. And I'm not so sure that getting my own apartment is the right thing to do. This morning I had a new idea about that and wanted to see how you guys felt. Instead of spending the money to sustain 2 households. I'm thinking of suggesting to my H about spliting the house weekly. On my weekends with the kids I would stay there from Friday until the next Friday. He would still see the kids his 2 nights that week. Then on his weekends, he stays there from Friday until the next Friday and I see the kids 2 days during that week. When it's my week at the house, he could stay with his mom. And when it's his week at the house I'll stay with my friend. I'm thinking this would be good for the kids and a lot less stress on both of us. Please let me know what you think.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I think if you get an apartment he will run off and file.
I wouldn't do anything to lean him that way right now, he needs nudges in YOUR direction, not the other way.
His hesitation in filing is that he's not sure if its the right thing to do... he has a conscience. SOmeone just needs to keep on him and tell him how hurtful what he's donig is.. and KEEP TELLING him.. NOT you though, you rest!
It is possible that OW HAS GOTTEN annoyign enought that he"s having his doubts now... the longer he waits to file the more annoying she gets and the more reality starts to dawn on him
Thanks, I'm done asking him to give me time. He knows that's what I want. So from here on out, I'm focusing more on myself and getting healthy for me and my kids. I'm hoping he will having positive influences from family and friends to not file. And as I see those people, I will mention to them that is what I want. But I will no longer obsess about getting others involved like I was before.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
mb, if you think that sharing the house would work for you and the children, then I think it's a good idea. I've seen that recommended to help children in separation situations, but it does require more cooperation between the parents, so you need to be sure that that's not going to be a source of stress for you.
It really sounds like you have the right frame of mind for where you're at right now . One day at a time...
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
The 'kids stay in the shared house' arrangement can work.
It's also got an interesting side effect that it can put stress on the affair. Sure, your H doesn't mind moving in and out for the kids. But the OW is going to need to do that too if she wants to live with your H. She isn't going to like that.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
I also like the idea and it really gives him a good chance to see what he will be giving up. It will definitely put a strain on the relationship with the OW. To her, it will seem that he is moving closer back to his family and further out of her life. I think it will be harder for them to see each other on the days he has the kids himself. Also, I am thinking he would not introduce the kids to the OW- so there will be distance.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
It would also be cheaper, but more importantly- he would stay at his mom's and the OW would not be welcome there. If he had an apartment it would be easier to see OW at his apartment.
Just makes it harder for them
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Don't do it one on one, do it wtih his mother there or something... it puts a lean on HIm to say yes then...
If you go and ask him one on one he is more likley to say no
He's having an affair, whatever you ask for, he's leaning twoards no.. its just how it works ufnortunately... you can try one on one, but my advice is put his mother in the room when you ask him.. she's involved here so it does make sense that she be in the room
I think I will try to suggest it with someone else around. Either way, I'll approach it from the kids and the financial standpoint. It really isn't much different then what we were doing before. I just had the kids 80% of the time and kept up the house full-time. He stayed there on his weekends with the kids, and I would leave. This arrangement would give us the kids and household responsibilties equal amount of time. That's a thought, it would be just like we were married, but without being there at the same time, J/K (-:
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
. One day at a time...