This won't work. It's emasculating, she will lose respect for you, and as McQueen says, it doesn't convey "strong, caring husband" to her. Frankly, it conveys "gay boyfriend."
Puppy
In trying to be a kinder, gentler Steve today, I avoided saying that, but Puppy is 100% correct there. If you try to visualize this as a third party observing, how would you describe, as an observing 3rd party, this woman's opinion of this man as she talks to him like this?
Another question/scenerio, how would she react, if you said, 'No problem, there is someone that I am getting to know and would like to find out where it may go? I think she might be my soul mate.' Would baby steps cross her mind?
Quote:
I plan on being patient and showing her the new me and the confident me who enjoys being with her and talking with her and listening to her.
you dont honestly enjoy taking to your wife about another man? when you barfed did you swallow it back down or spit it into the napkin?
Is W playing me?Is she trying to get a reaction? I really think that she will go through with this so I can’t see what kind of reaction she would be going for. I really think that this is one of those half baked ideas like leaving the marriage without thinking about all the consequences.
Ken, she is playing with you because it's fun, she has too much power here and in these situations it's like playing with a toy. Yeah I'm sure she's trying to get a reaction, with all this power, she enjoys torturing you and watching you squirm and still pursue her, it's an ego trip and you just don't see it yet.
When you mention ML to your wife or asking if she's open to it, I'm assuming ML means "making love", instead of asking for that, why don't you ask for some no strings attached SEX with her, not "making love", no false hope, no ideas of reconciliation, just a good old fashioned pounding. I think that's what she wants, SEX not "making love", she doesn't have those "in love" feelings with you so why would she want to "make love" with you? You need to wrap your head around this concept.
You are still using logic and applying it to her actions which are emotionally fueled and you still don't get it.
The dinner thing was and is pursuing.
Listen when the WAW is so blinded by the "fog" and is consumed by an affair, she is emotionally driven, those are her feelings which are guiding her, the feel good feelings and she really enjoys them, who wouldn't. See this, observe this in what she says and shares with you about her family, etc. Those are her feelings talking, not logic. You still bring up marriage talks, stop this, seriously, I'm getting sick reading it each time. As I was saying, when the WAW is so immersed in her affair (remember emotionally fueled, no logic), the only way to zap them is to reach them emotionally. How do you do that? Well it won't be with fancy dinners, flowers and relationship talk. If she is so determined to leave you and the marriage, give her a taste of her own medicine. Date other women and make less time for your "best friend" walk away wife.
It always amazes me that they consider their illicit affair partner to be their "soulmate," and their relationship "one for the ages," and yet they will go to ANY lengths to lie about it and keep it a secret from everyone!
If it's so special, why not SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS??
I hear what everyone is saying and I am trying to take it all in and process it. I have scheduled another DB Coaching session with Chuck for tomorrow because I really don't know what to do next.
Thanks for any more recommendations,
Ken
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
Can you give me specifics of what you think I should do? Should I go dark? Do I let her initiate all contact? What things should I be saying to her when she initiates contact? Treat me like a 10 year old and lay it out for me. This DBing stuff is hard and I want to get it right.
I think you may be right about the "aren't willing to" because it seems to conflict with what Coach said earlier (although he said that before we knew about OM still being in the picture) and also what my DB coach said which was also before we knew about OM and that is why I have scheduled another call for tomorrow. I have a finite time of a little over 2 months before W leaves and the D is final. Next week is her BD. There are potentially a lot of opportunities for me to show her the new me but if she doesn't think of us as married how do I even act like a husband. She doesn't see me as a husband. I believe that she does see me as a friend but I have also seen signs that she is starting to see me in a different light than she did in our M. I may be delusional but I think I do see it. I know she is operating from emotions like robx is saying. She knows that I have started to see other women and in some ways I think that is possibly a relief for her because she doesn't have to feel guilty about her relationship. Maybe I have all of this wrong because I am trying to think logically but it's all I got.
Thanks,
Ken
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
I have been trying to use this article as the basis for why I am doing what I am doing. Obviously, a lot of people here feel that this is NOT the right way to go about it. How is my situation different than the one being talked about in this article? Why did it work for him but most of you think it will NOT work for me? Ever situation is different and one thing that works in one situation will not work in another. I get that, but I also can not convey how I am reading my W in these forums. I believe that I have to go with my gut and my heart. Afterall, I have known my W for 25 years and it is hard to present everything I am experiencing with her in these posts. I wish I did have a recording of the interaction so that you all could see what I'm seeing. Maybe I would see it differently too if I had to look at it from the outside. Woulda, shoulda, coulda!
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
I have been trying to use this article as the basis for why I am doing what I am doing. Obviously, a lot of people here feel that this is NOT the right way to go about it. How is my situation different than the one being talked about in this article?
It's not. I just disagree with the article, and so does just about every mainstream infidelity expert out there. The article is anecdotal -- not based on one shred of infidelity science or research. I've never understood the article -- it contradicts even other areas of MWD teaching, like "pursuit" and LRT and boundary-setting.
Your choice. But I've been here a long time, and studied hundreds of these things, and I've personally NEVER seen that approach work.
