i know there's no rush...and i know he's confused. i think going dark for a few days would be good for both of us.
OTM, i did ask him last night on the phone. his response was that he he wasn't sure but that he felt it was unfair for me to be waiting on the sidelines until he worked through some issues with his counselor. i said, we have to wait 6 months anyway...no real response to that.
i'm very ready for this to get easier.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
i'm planning my 30th birthday party...kinda weird to not invite the man i'm married to. i wonder if he'll even do anything, but i can't worry about that or i'll go nuts. i'm having a mad men party at my new apartment and inviting some old friends and some new ones i made on my service trip, too. i'm excited and i know it will be fun, but i'm also dreading the idea of celebrating in the midst of everything that's going on.
i guess i just never thought i'd be planning my 30th birthday and a possible D at the same time.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
that he'd messed up too much and too many times, that he'd hurt my family and me for too long.
That's a bit harsh - although he may deserve that. Mostly I mean the family part. Who gives about your family...they aren't married to him. Your mom treated him badly, too. Does it matter who was first?
Who knows...maybe your mom has been giving him messages like 'get away from my daughter' or something during the last month. It shouldn't matter, though, because your love/R is only between the two of you.
You are probably very hurt. Me having finally felt love for my W, only to have her ask about a separation 3x in 3weeks has got me way down. Just be careful to make everything a calm response, not a reaction from the emotional side of your brain.
i'm planning my 30th birthday party...kinda weird to not invite the man i'm married to. i wonder if he'll even do anything, but i can't worry about that or i'll go nuts. i'm having a mad men party at my new apartment and inviting some old friends and some new ones i made on my service trip, too. i'm excited and i know it will be fun, but i'm also dreading the idea of celebrating in the midst of everything that's going on.
i guess i just never thought i'd be planning my 30th birthday and a possible D at the same time.
I am planning my 40th. I am going to surround myself with friends. We are going to run a race and hang out at the park and listen to jazz music all day. Sounds like a great way to bring in 40.
Why not plan a girls night out and enjoy the company of your friends.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I'm not trying to judge your reaction TTA, just suggest how he might be interpreting something you meant to help the two of you come together...
Is it possible that he is thinking you were trying to tell him that he's such a screw up that he has to do it the right way, and that since he can't (at least not in the short term) that he should let you move on?
i feel your pain TTA... i feel like me and my H are in the same boat.... he is confused, doesnt feel like its fair for me to wait around while he makes up his mind, but at the same time doesnt want to just say its over for sure even though he thinks it might be over for sure... and now I am in a state of confusion myself, I want to bust this D as well, but I struggle too with feeling hopeful, and then feeling like nothing is going to make this misery end 5 minutes later.... I feel like I have to make a decision to stop trying or to fully commit regardless of what he does... thats a hard choice to make. And we have only been married 2yrs as well. This roller coaster is tough... and I dont know how to keep my hope alive either.... every 5 minutes it literally changes.
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
that he'd messed up too much and too many times, that he'd hurt my family and me for too long.
That's a bit harsh - although he may deserve that. Mostly I mean the family part. Who gives about your family...they aren't married to him. Your mom treated him badly, too. Does it matter who was first?
OTM, those are my H's words, not mine. i never told him i thought things were messed up beyond repair. if anything, i've let him know that while i was angry and hurt and felt that he'd never had to take responsibility for his actions, i also said i would consider seeing a MC together, just for the sake of seeing where it would/could go.
i also told him that my family's opinion is not my concern right now and that if he's going to use that as a factor in us splitting up, i find that to be a bit of a cop out.
maybe he's feeling like he's messed things up beyond repair, and i'm not saying it wouldn't take a long time to rebuild after what we've been through, but i don't know how to communicate that to him through the fog he seems to be in about the state of our M.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
Is it possible that he is thinking you were trying to tell him that he's such a screw up that he has to do it the right way, and that since he can't (at least not in the short term) that he should let you move on?
of course it's POSSIBLE that he would think that, i'm not inside his head...but i feel like i have communicated to him on several occasions that i want to at least try to make things work. i told him i was confused as to how one week he'd asked me about seeing a counselor and the next he asked me about legalizing our separation. in my response to him saying all of those things about it being beyond repair and all that...i said, that's like standing at the bottom of a mountain and saying, i don't think i can climb this. because you never know what you're capable of until you try it.
yesterday was the first day i had zero communication with him in about a month. it was a long, hard day. but much needed.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
well...just got an email from my H. wasn't expecting to hear from him this week until we meet up on sunday. funny how just opening an email from him makes my heart pound out of my chest.
he just said he didn't want to leave our conversation the way it had ended for a week and that he was sorry he wasn't saying things i wanted to hear and that he didn't have a solution to "take it all away."
i know i need to sit back and take some time and think about how i want to respond to that. i want to let him know that i understand that he's in a state of confusion, and that no one on earth has a solution to take it all away. nothing is going to change our past but together we can change our future, despite the fact that it would be a long, hard, and very uncertain road.
he does have another session with his IC tonight and is going to philly with one of his good friends over the weekend...a very laid back, mellow guy who will hopefully pass some of his zen along to my H. not sure what my response to his email should be, i'm surprised to have even heard from him at all, and he even signed it "me" which is an affectionate way that we end emails...
any thoughts?
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
tta- did he ask you any questions that you need to respond to? If not..I would not respond. I know easier said than done (my H starts bombarding me with messages via every form of technology I own when I don't respond in a timely manner)
My H has said almost the same exact things...'how will I ever face your family'...'how can I ever make girl jokes in front of your brothers again' (H had an A and I have 3 brothers) 'there is so much damage...maybe it is best to just move on'. There are bigger fish to fry at this point...and family and friend opinions should not be the basis of the decision to continue or end your M.
It is hard to stay dark..or even dim..but when you are successful doing that..you might get a different reaction from him. It appears that he is telling you the same thing over and over again. Perhaps by you changing your approach with him...you can spark a change in him. His wooaaa-is me..I screwed up..look what I am doing to you..attitude has been continuing for some time. Show him that you are OK- he hasn't ruined you instead of just telling him that. Just a thought. If one approach isn't working..try something new. What do you have to lose?
