One day at a time....

[Gnosis]

RW,

I'm going to tackle some of your post above.

I have been cheated on, abandoned, and betrayed by the man I love and have been faithful to for over twenty years.

Yes. And you are hurting.

And, despite the fact that I still love him deeply,

Yes you do.

he really "feels nothing" for me.

That's a lie. He feels for you and loves you. Those "feelings" are there. They are clouded and covered at the moment, but they are there.

It is most likely his depression that is causing this.

It is. But don't look at the depression... look at the reasons for the depression. This man has not only betrayed you but he has betrayed himself. He broke his vows. This has caused him to question himself and his very core. He is questioning his ability to make sound choices. He is questioning 1000 other things. He needs to rationalize what he has done. He perceives himself as a complete failure to you - his W, his family, his finances... and whatever else.

But, somehow he "felt" for her... very intensely.

That is true. He did. If he denies this to you he would be lying. He cared for her -- note the PAST tense of this. Something you're going to come to terms with is this: IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. He got suckered in by his lust and by being manipulated.

at some point I may not be able to live with that. I don't know.

Then you will make a decision when that point comes. It is understandable and yes, the truth is... you don't know. Don't waste time and energy on the unknown. Use your abilities on the known and on what you have control over.

Don't I deserve to know what it is like to have a man passionately fight for me, want me, adore me?

Yes you do. Right now your man is wounded. How can you expect a wounded man to get up and fight? You can't, not even the army expects this. You wait for him to heal so he can get up and fight again.

Am I just a stupid hopeless romantic? Am I unrealistic?

I don't think so. You sound like a woman who knows what she wants.

As a matter of fact, I am now starting to look forward to a break from him and the intensity of all this. GAL time!

Yes, yes and yes. Take a break. Concentrate on you for a while.

I'll get back to you on that other stuff but wanted to tackle this first.

[DiamondGirl]

Not intended to hijack, but I wanted to thank Gnosis for this... I really needed to read it today as I was feeling everything Rocked was that you quoted...

[courageous wife]

Hey RW!!!

What Gno says!!! All of the above!!!

You are doing good! (((HUGS)))

[pearlharbr]

Another one for seconding Gno!

[rockedworld]

Oh Gno...

The voice of reason once again speaks into my emotional turmoil and helps me find the calm in the storm. Thank you.

I have read your response six times now. Probably will take me a few more times to really let it sink in. I know you have been trying to tell me these things for a while. I think I am getting it.

When you help me to see where my H might be coming from, it helps me find the strength and compassion to validate and hear him, rather than react. I know that we make progress when I can do that.

I guess I just need to be patient that eventually...... some day.... my needs will be met too? I hope.....

The question is how long that will take and if I can wait. But, you are right. It is important to focus on today and what I can control right now. Workin' on that....

Thanks again... and thanks for support from others as well...

[addie]

RW,
I am also experiencing many of the same feelings you wrote about. I like your positive spin and determination at the end of your post.
Gnosis-I appreciate your POV. Thanks for that post.

[Gnosis]

DG, addie and especially RW, you're welcome.

I have read your response six times now. Probably will take me a few more times to really let it sink in.

I've read it about three times now. Keep forgetting what I wrote... and yeah, I need to let it sink in too... so you're not alone.

I guess I just need to be patient that eventually...... some day.... my needs will be met too? I hope.....

RW, sorry if I missed this in your previous posts....

What are your needs?
Can you list them out here?

Is it possible that he is "talking" to you in his LL instead of yours?

[rockedworld]

RW, sorry if I missed this in your previous posts....

What are your needs?
Can you list them out here?

Is it possible that he is "talking" to you in his LL instead of yours?

Very possibly.

A few months ago I asked him to do the LL quiz on line so we could discuss our LL. He said he started and "got frustrated" and quit. We really haven't talked about LL since. I think I brought that up too soon into piecing.

I am almost positive, from knowing H for over twenty years, that his primary LL is physical touch. I have been making a real effort to meet this need for him more than ever. We cuddle, hug, and ML more than we ever have. For some reason he has resistance to kissing.... but that is an issue for another day because it is a big issue to me that will have to be resolved at some point.

Anyway, he does reach out to me this way.

My primary LL is WOA. He is not very good at that, and never has been. Which is why I keep seeking reassurance... verbally. But always have to seek it. He doesn't offer it easily or initiate it on his own. Since the A, he has real trouble with ILY. I haven't pushed it, because I know he is just being honest. But, I need to hear that at some point.

My secondary LL is QT, which I think is also H's. We have been spending lots of time together, which we both need. I think we need to do more fun things though.

So, what are my needs?

- verbal (or written)reassurances of love and commitment, initiated by H
- an effort made to do special things for me - take me somewhere, bring me home a little treat etc.
- compliments (not just appearance but about me, as a person, as a wife, as a mom)
-more efforts at communication -initiated by him - more emails (he told me he doesn't want to do that with me even though that was a primary form of communication with OW), texting (also another big thing with OW), etc.

That's all I got for now....
I have communicated these things to H, he pretty much says he doesn't have it in him to make those efforts right now... he is doing what he can.

[gutwrenching]

RW,
I couldn't possibly offer anything better than what Gno did...but not sure you are looking at some key points here. Despite his depression and HIS issues, he is talking to you, he is being open and honest. That is more than a start. Although he isn't telling you what you want and need to hear, is trying hard, he is taking risks, he is working on the "us", he is letting you into his fear and his shame. There is good in this...there is hope for the future in this. You have been so strong for so long, you just keep it up now, because it is working. He is trusting you with his feelings, thoughts, and emotions. The rest will come, you will help him get there.

[Butterfly1]

Just another friend here saying Gno is right. He offers a male perspective that is really helpful. Yes your husband loves you. No he isn't (or can't?) show you in your ll right now.

Is there a way you can specifically bring some of these up to H? Have you done this before? What worked and didn't work?

Good job on telling H you needed to hear him talk about how he is over the A with compassion and empathy for you. YOu stood up for yourself and that takes strength.

Meanwhile, keep meeting your own needs...affirmations? Treats for RW this weekend while H is away? Telling yourself how valuable you are and how much you deserve...don't stop working on your own self esteem while working on your R.

((RW))