Doc, You're right, she did apologize after she calmed down. She wan't making any sense in the car. She's been after me for years to be a ballroom dancer, and now that I'm one, it's not good enough. Of course, her comments are not about me, but her failure to look in the mirror and articulate her thoughts and feelings.
I have enough of a network of dancers that her whims don't affect me. She can join me to the extent she wants. In some ways, it's good to have my own space, other practice partners, and venues without her.
There are probably several reasons as to why she did not enjoy herself last night (none of them having anything to do with me.) She doesn't like having to be a beginner again, and doesn't like sitting because she doesn't know a dance, or sitting because she hasn't developed a network in the ballroom community.
We'll get back to practicing the Hustle Formation group. This is an opportunity for me to learn a dance I probably wouldn't pursue on my own.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Cl, Like I said you have a great attitude. I am getting better also. It is so hard to finely get the Picture in your mind that "(none of them having anything to do with me.)" And the only way they (our wives) can justify 'their problems" is when they can project them on us.IF WE LET THEM. Your ride in the car was a good example. YOU controlled your destiny. You could have started an argument. But Trust me some how it would have ended up being your fault. Same thing happened to me last night. I did get a little loud when she asked who was going to clean it up. “Apparently me" however I let it go and just comforted my son and cleaned things up. I could have started yelling at w also but I was in control... I’ll tell ya buddy. If our marriages don’t work out we are going to make one hell of a husband for someone in the future...
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Doc is right Cl you do have a wonderful DB attitude and I see your wife's changes with yours. her apologizing after her little rant on you makes me think what was wrong had nothing to do with you in the first place but, maybe just something else that was bothering her. Just a thought.
You seem to be doing sooo well.
JAK
Last edited by JoJo's circus; 03/22/1002:47 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Doc, I'll click glasses regarding your comment about you and I being a catch for someone if things don't work out (I think the odds of mine working out are improving). This seems to be our turning the corner year. Thanks Jak, for the affirmation.
My W is in a balancing the family budget, clean the house, and declutter the basement mode. She's considering postponing our summer trip. She took 11K of her personal savings and paid down a credit card, in preparation for possible unemployment. It's good to have some partnership in this area. She's hired an unemployed friend to help clean out the basement and assist her with housecleaning.
We spoke about the ballroom dance experience. It doesn't feel like a good fit for her at this time (the quarterly balls), which is fine. She will need to move into a ballroom dance experience, if she chooses. I think it would be good for her to compliment her mainly salsa dancing with smooth dances, but it's her choice. She will need to allow herself to be a beginner. It feels like one has to be a professional with her, as she gets frustrated with us mortals who struggle in trying to develop the skills.
I will give her the space to follow her own dance journey, while respecting my own. We will evolve in our own ways, and hopefully together also. The Hustle formation partnership is going very well. She is impressed with my willingness to try something different and stretch myself. She thinks I'm one of the top dancers in the group. I'll need to keep practicing.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
DB Friends, My W has resumed her spending the night with her dance friend, at a pace of about weekly. She is transparent about where she is going, and who she is with. It is frustrating to me, given the increased connection these past several months.
Whenever I post about this behavior, I get a response advocating a zero tolerance approach, and that I should "drop the atom bomb" on the M, and give her an ultimatum. It's easy advice to give, when I'm the one who has to unbalance my life.
She seems intent on helping this person. He is recently D, and has not been adapting well. He has virtually no assets, spends a great deal of time in bed with depression, and doesn't seem to be moving forward to begin rebuilding his life, unti recently. He is pursuing a relationship with a Puerto Rican woman from out-of-state. My W hires him for small jobs to help supplement his unemployment checks.
My W has talked about wanting to be of service to others, and that she regrets not doing so more in her life. I bring her home volunteer opportunities that my church is doing, with the hope that she would get involved with something constructive.
I was at my ballroom venue last night, and a lady asked if the lady I was with was my W. I thought the question was a bit forward, but I found myself reluctant to admit that it was. I kept silent, and she revised the question to ask if it was a significant other, to which I reluctantly shook my head yes. My R with my W is becoming more public in the dance community.
She asked if my W had a good time there. I told her that she was new to the ballroom community. She offered to help network my W to other men (which I may take her up on at some point).
Piecing is difficult with its increased connection, yet remnants of the past. I'm reading the various Christian mystics looking for wise words to help me clear my mind of rumination and practice contemplation so that I can be receptive to either the presence of God or cultivating a pure heart.
My W says that I can be passive-aggressive. She is correct in that it has been a pattern of mine. I want to break the pattern. The first step is to wrestle with the difficult emotions and internal reactions.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 03/24/1011:16 AM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Dear CL, long time since I posted to you. I was never able to understand your situation or you as a person or the one revealed on this bb. I have never felt any emotion from yu just a perseverance, but this is so odd I had to comment on,
Quote:
I was at my ballroom venue last night, and a lady asked if the lady I was with was my W. I thought the question was a bit forward, but I found myself reluctant to admit that it was. I kept silent, and she revised the question to ask if it was a significant other, to which I reluctantly shook my head yes. My R with my W is becoming more public in the dance community.
How on earth is that question forward??? it is such a common question. and for the life of me I cannot see why you couldn,t have said yes and then added whatever you felt comfortable with or not. Is she your wife OR your SO ? Have you ever considered that you and your wife are just not right for each other. Have you ever felt love and complete joy in each others company,a freedom to be who you are.
sorry posted before I had finished. I wanted to say that I didn't wish to sound mean or unhelpful, although I am not sure you are actually looking for advice. A marriage is probably many things to many people but seeing as you have been having difficulties judging by your signature line for 7 years and given that you are 50 years of age I would think it is time for a radical rethink. maybe your style of writing leads me to the wrong assumptions and I do wish you well. I realize that you must be an extremely private person but surely here of all places you could open up and show some emotion,love anger,frustration, maybe that is what your wife is looking for from you ?
Naej, I want to clarify that my W wasn't with me at the dance venue, when I was asked the question. As the connection with my W increases, my anxiety also increases about us being a public couple.
My W isn't as careful with her words as I am. She revealed to our dance instructors about a trip she took several years ago with another person. The dance instructor exclaimed, "Oh, one of those trips." At a recent lesson, she complained to the instructors about how I criticized her on the dance floor, and complained for the entire lesson.
She can be a difficut person to be with in public. As long as there's structure, she's fine, but I would be uncomfortable being with her in an intimate setting with others.
I am reluctant to admit she's my W. The connection between us has improved only in the past several months. For most of last year, I was a member of the ballroom community on my own while, she went dancing with her friend. I didn't feel like I had a W. For a period of time, I wasn't allowed to reveal that she was my W, so maybe that's still impacting me. My hesitation to call her my W is a reflection about my own ambivalence about things, and the difficulty in moving towards intimacy, and her continual pushing the boundaries.
I don't worry about compatability problems. I have a great deal of freedom to pursue my interests. I'm missing a partner I can comfortably be in public with, and be able to form connections with others as a couple. We've never been able to do that with a healthy couple.
I was in counseling last year.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
