Analogy that helped me. Marriage is like two trees growing side by side, independent of each other but their branches are intertwined. They sway with the wind together and go thru the seasons together. One tree might lose a limb or get struck by lightning. One tree is not dependent on the other. They each are capable of standing on their own.
I can relate to that analogy, and for the 11 years before kids that did characterize our R.
The "I love you but I don't need you" quotation doesn't click with me though. I haven't relied on my H as a wife for many years, but there are needs that in our society are not easily met outside of an intimate relationship: sex, affection, intimate conversation, certain kinds of companionship, easily togetherness within one's home, etc.
Coach, can you really say that you don't need your W? Don't you have those needs? And doesn't your W provide them? You might not be dependent on her, and you might be standing tall as a tree, but denying that our intimate partner meets certain needs in ways that others don't isn't realistic IMO. That's why it's called an A when a spouse gets M needs met outside of M, even if the two people have never even met.
Your quotation applies more to friendships than to marriage. I need my friends collectively, but I don't really need individual friends. My friendship needs can be met by many people.
And the tree analogy doesn't capture is the interdependence that comes with parenthood. With the arrival of a baby there were sudden shifts in our roles. No one else could be a mother to our children. No one else could be a father to our children. As a family unit we are interdependent, and always will be to some extent. I will always rely on H to be a father to my children, and if he dies or doesn't fulfil that role I will have no way of making that OK for my children.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
