I've been out of commission for the past few days. Thank you for hanging in there with me.
First off, Jeff, I must tell you how much your words mean to me. We've been at this for a looong time. I can still remember the first time you told me, "if his lips are moving, he is lying." I didn't want to believe it then, but so much has come to light since then, that it's impossible for me to stay naive any longer. I was on the verge of denial forever. But, it's so in-my-face that it's impossible to believe otherwise.
For instance, I was in the library yesterday, when "guess-who" walked in. Yes, there he was, and he sat down at a computer in the middle of the afternoon, and I walked up behind him to see what he was so intently studying up on. Of course it was a girlie Web site. (Probably shouldn't say the name of it here). I walked out and then walked back in to make sure I was right. He never saw me; not even once. I was quiet as a mouse and not even the others around him turned around to see me. (I felt like a detective).
So, you are right, he's lost himself to some very sad sickness and has no clue that he's even there. It was so pathetic, looking at him slumped over a computer, surrounded by other men his age. I cannot believe this is the man I married.
You know what the irony of it all is??? Ten years ago, I was the only one who used a computer. He didn't even know how to. He came to me one day and said, "I read in the paper that people who use the computer are depressed. It causes depression."
What, Thanks for your comments. I am embarrassed that I even said I was feeling so alone in my journey. Pain IS pain, and we all have it. That's why we're here - to support each other, to grow and eventually move on. So, I did a search last night and found a Web site for "spouses of sex addicts." It turns out that I have my own addictions to, what they are calling, "acting out." Haven't read much on it yet, but, I plan to. Sounds like there may be something there. After all, I've been struggling with similar demons for a lifetime. Thanks for the kick/inspiration to search out my own answers.
Gardener, I'm glad you are here. Surviving is surviving for all of us. I saw part of your recent journey and I understand your will. It is strong, and alive and good. When "whatis" explained his story, I could SEE how, because his sitch involved being left for another - same sex partner - that it wasn't HIS FAULT. But it is very difficult for me to feel faultless in mine because it involved sex, which could conjure up all kinds of images about blame and shame. We must always remember that it is not about who we are, or are not, but about who THEY are, or are not.
About the paperwork, I'm going to start on it today, thanks to you. And to answer your question about mediation in my state, FL. I'm not yet clear on it because I haven't been through it yet. Mediation is set for April 15. I do know we each have our own lawyers and will be sitting in a room with them and a mediator, who has a lawyer background. The mediator will try to disolve the marriage quickly -- in a couple of hours -- with assets, personal property etc.
I asked to have a mediator with a counselor background but the attorneys for both parties rejected it. Oh well, it is what it is.
BTW, if anyone is Catholic, I am reading the seventh reading at the Vigil Celebration on Saturday, April 3rd at my church. It is a huge ceremony here, with a bonfire out in front of the church that lights up the alter a 100 yards away. There will be baptisms, communions and insence during the 3-hour ceremony.
Oh well, it is what it is.