Once she has a taste of the OM and wants more, then I will tell her she can continue it outside of my house. I will do so unemotionally and state it very simply. I have earned this simple thing at this point.
She is not looking for another mate - this is all about sex. The OM is married, lives across the country, and has no immediate tie to our family.
She is looking to experience freedom for the first time in a long time.
She is looking to have sex with another man, you are looking at this logically and trying to rationalize her actions and I told you to stop thinking the way you think, she doesn't think like that at all. She's different from you. She's a woman, you're a man, you need to embrace that different thought process.
Once you step down as the man in her life and she experiences sex with another man, that one weekend with that one man may be over but she won't stop there. She will miss it and she will pursue those feelings that she experienced with him with another man locally in your area. Why? Because you allowed it and she knows that you value your marriage more than she does so that she knows she can disrespect you again and you'll always be there, good ol' reliable Mike, the safe backup plan for the times when she needs a break from sex with other men. You don't know what attraction is about, you don't know what causes it and what kills it.... actually you know already what kills it, and you continue doing that.
I have to agree with robx here. He is dead on right.
I acted very similarly to you in my sitch. The OM in my case was very far away, and my W went on several trips to be with him. She was planning on her first trip while she was still living in our family home with me and our kids. I did stop that one by telling her if she went she wasn't welcome back in the house. I felt so weak at the time, I only took that stand at the encouragement of a friend, and guess what, it worked. She backed down, and not only that, for the first time in a long time she looked at me with a glimmer of attraction and respect. But as these things usually go, she talked with OM on the phone, got her strength back, then pushed back on me, and I caved. She moved out and a few weeks later flew to meet OM. As robx says, at that point my M was over. I just didn't know it.
I stepped aside and let it happen, as you are doing. My W even gave me opportunities to stop her, but I was too weak. A few days before she left to see OM the first time she called me in tears, saying she just wanted to come home and sleep in our bed. I needed to be strong and tell her "You will never sleep in that bed again until I'm convinced you are back to stay." Instead I was weak and said something like "If that's where your feelings are leading you, you can come back and find out." Pathetic. That was all she needed to hear and her anxiety was reduced. The next day I got intel that she told OM that her apprehension was subsiding and he could look forward to having her. Wow! I was continually shocked how my love and understanding was translated by her into more and more attraction to OM. Now I understand it was because my love and understanding eased her anxiety and insecurity, allowing her to commit all her energies to her A with OM. That anxiety and insecurity is exactly what you need to feed and stir and amplify! She will hate it and will get angry to try to get you to back off, but you should only see that as an indication that it's working. Think about in the wild when a weaker animal feels threatened. They know they have no chance against a bigger and stronger opponent, but they puff themselves up and show their teeth and put on quite a threatening show, but it's all bluff. They're just hoping their opponent buys it. Don't.
I did the same stuff as you, worked on myself, showed her how much better I was, and just like in your case, our R improved. I thought I was doing so well. We were friendly and loving toward each other, but guess what? It didn't change her interest in OM one bit. Not one bit. She appreciated how much we could help and support each other, and enjoyed our family time with our kids, but all her true passion was directed right at OM. It ripped my ego to shreds. Don't let it happen to you.
As robx says, this is it. This is your last stand.
Future, great insight. Too late for me I think but it all makes sense.
Me: 45 WAW: 45 | M22 | T25 | No Kids Nov 09 W Filed | Dec 09 Separation Mar 17 2010 Divorce Papers Signed | Divorce Hearing Cancelled Moved back home May 2010 PA Confirmed June 2010 | W left Dec 7 2010
I got caught up in the struggle of waivering in February and I am not doing it again.
If on Monday, she is unable to committ because she still wants more, then I am prepared to tell her to hit the road.
Why Monday and not today?
Because today, would be a show of my "control" whereas Monday it is a show of "what we need" to focus on a building relationship however slowly.
I proved that in the month of February that my "manning up" went to far to quickly and showed her sides of me that were ugly.
Have a good day all - not quite what I was looking for today.
You mean Monday as in Monday after her weekend. Bro, you expect those awesome new sexual feelings to subside by Monday the day after the weekend? Are you serious?
Those feelings she generates during this weekend won't quit until weeks or months if not longer til she can't handle it anymore and needs that again.
I feel sorry for you Mike, we tried to help you but you can't see it, or you're afraid to act and if you are, admit it, it's ok, no one on this forum hasn't had that fear - it is just fear though, it won't kill you and doing the right thing in spite of being afraid will be a growth experience for you as a man. Letting your wife go on this weekend without any consequences for her actions is the end of this marriage.
Good luck Mike. I will drop by from time to time to see how you're doing, I wish you well and hope it works out for you as you planned.
While right now she cannot focus on anything but her weekend, I am sure it is beginning to creep into her mind that what she is doing is wrong and she needs to begin thinking about her marriage for Monday is around the corner.
Naive yes, but I know my wife, and this, too, shall pass.
I don't think -- in nearly 15,000 posts on this forum -- I have EVER said this, but:
Give her a little silver heart to wear around her neck. Find out if she wears your heart when she comes back. Just a little silver heart to send your love away. On a silver chain. A valentine.
Send her off with a kiss if you don't think it gets any better than this.
OK, Mike, I haven't read your entire sitch... but you are SERIOUSLY delusional here and your delusion is going to lead to the destruction of your marriage.
Your W is planning on going to have a weekend full of fun and sex and you're going to sit there and let it happen? And after she has been "pumped up" full of her wild, wonderful weekend... you EXPECT her to think rationally?
You are receiving GOOD advice from MEN that have been there and done that and bear the scars to prove it... YET... you think you're different.
I'm going to tell you this only one time Mike and then I'm going to butt out of your thread for good.
I can understand why your W wants to drop you like a hot potato. In all my life I have NEVER seen a woman stay with a man who has ZERO self-respect. A man who will let her do whatever she wants without limit. If she sticks around it will be because it suits her for the time being and when a better prospect comes along she will be gone.
A woman DEMANDS a man who can PROTECT her and PROVIDE for her. If he can't do that he is history.
STAND UP and BE A MAN. PROTECT YOUR WIFE FROM HERSELF. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN NOW or you will lose her for good.
