So, we talked about this last night and it went well.
From my POV there was good and some "not so good" that came out of this:
Good: H was very understanding and reassuring. He spent quite a bit of time reassuring me and likes the idea of going on a date Saturday night, is more than willing to meet my needs for keeping in touch while gone etc.
Not so good: The "reassuring" was mostly about him (telling me how he could never go through the stress of something like that again, how depressed he is, how he has nothing to offer anyone including me, how his health is now suffering etc etc) and about her (she was too demanding, she was emotionally and probably mentally unstable etc etc). So, after a while, I said something along the lines of "Do I factor into this at all?" To which he seemed surprised to hear me say that and said "Of course! I could never put you through anything like this again." To which I reminded him I never will go through anything like this again, we would be done. period. H: "I know".
I told him I would feel a lot more reassured if the reasons he gave were less about him and her and more about me and us. I was honest that I am struggling with his apparent lack of feelings towards me. He talked about how his IC is encouraging him that love is a decision and that as he chooses what is right (his M and family) the feelings will follow. He said he is choosing to believe that is true. I believe that is true, too.
But, I know my friends here will understand this like no one else can... this part of things is like adding insult to injury.
I have been cheated on, abandoned, and betrayed by the man I love and have been faithful to for over twenty years. And, despite the fact that I still love him deeply, he really "feels nothing" for me. So, on a day to day basis, I live with that... being able to sense and know that this is one sided. It rubs salt in the wound continuously.
It is most likely his depression that is causing this. But, somehow he "felt" for her... very intensely. Ouch.
I was honest with H that I am also choosing to believe the feelings will follow, but if they don't... at some point I may not be able to live with that. I don't know. Don't I deserve to know what it is like to have a man passionately fight for me, want me, adore me? Am I just a stupid hopeless romantic? Am I unrealistic?
Anyway, I guess that will sort itself out in time. In the meantime we have a plan for next week I can be ok with.
As a matter of fact, I am now starting to look forward to a break from him and the intensity of all this. GAL time!
