Ugg... I am unclear. It the trip only him or will business colleagues be also going. Will she be going also?
Can you go with him?
Hi June, The trip is only him, no work colleagues. She will not be going with him. She has a different job, had been doing part time work for my H's company at the time of the A. When he broke it off with her she made a big tearful scene of quitting but did not tell anyone why. So, there is no reason for her to have anything to do with this trip. I do believe (and have verified to the extent that I can) that my H has maintained NC since December. She sent him one email a few weeks ago that he did not respond to. So more than likely this has nothing to do with her.
Plus, the way he talks about her now... with disgust.... it does seem real. And, he is home almost all the time when not at work. And, he is making real efforts in the M and going to IC.
No, I can't go. I took off all the time I had available to me at my job when I was a shattered mess after discovering the PA in Nov.
I just don't feel ready for this emotionally and it is triggering me really badly.
A 180 for me would be to be acting like it's not big deal and look forward to time for myself and with the kids and to GAL. But, that's not really honest... so is that what you should do in piecing? or do you honestly say you are struggling and why... I know he will find it hard to hear that because he feels he is doing all the right things and I don't want to discourage him.
ugh is right June.... don't know what to do with this...
WHat has worked in the past? More importantly , what hasn't worked?
Well, Hope, that's hard to say because I only have two previous situations to go on when he went on trips with her. The first time this happened last July I asked direct questions if she had anything to do with the trip. He lied repeatedly and said "no". So, when the next trip came up in Sept. I didn't even ask... I was starting to DB then... and i "acted as if". I pretended everything was fine, but then when he was gone found out she went to the same city and took the same time off work he did. So, two different approaches, both with the same negative outcome.
If you are talking about the "big picture" of what has historically worked in my M... well, my H has never responded well to being "badgered" by questions or "pressured" by my concerns, fears etc. The last few years before the A I was trying to give him "more space" as that seemed to be what he wanted. But now I am finding it out that this is in part what led to this crisis because he was apparently so lonely.
Part of my problem is that, prior to the A, I honestly thought we had a good M and that I knew and understood what worked with him and what didn't. Everything is being re-defined now. I feel like I don't know anything anymore about what works with him and what doesn't .I feel lost.
I sure feel for you, Rocked. My H's EA partner lived in the city where he most often stayed overnights for business. After he ended things with her he didn't need to be there for a while, but when the first overnight trip came up, I was so stressed out that I had constant headaches from the tension in my neck.
I don't know whether you're doing counselling; if you are, that would be a good place to bring the topic of business trips up with him, and how he can reassure you during them.
Definitely do the GAL and do fun things with the kids, and practice your detachment--continue to remind yourself that you now know you can be fine without him.
At the same time, though, Piecing means fixing any communication problems you had in your marriage, and learning to bring up anything that's really bothering you. You don't want to bludgeon him with recriminations that will "discourage" him, but you don't want to carry a burden alone either (or protect him in a "mothering" way). I chose a time when my H was feeling connected and calm, and gently explained that for a long time I would have bad associations when he was overnight in that city, and asked him to call me and check in with me frequently while he was there. Even the fact that I could now tell him that, and he could listen to it, was a huge relief.
I also think it's better that you can't go with him--it would be very painful for you to be in that city, considering its associations, which would put up some walls between you. Also, you don't want to feel that you always have to police him--you need to have those episodes where he proves himself to be "clean" so that you can build up your trust.
Plan to do things that will distract you, without adding further stress, while he's away.
[quote=Cyrena] I chose a time when my H was feeling connected and calm, and gently explained that for a long time I would have bad associations when he was overnight in that city, and asked him to call me and check in with me frequently while he was there. /quote]
And maybe on the day before he leaves and/or day he comes home, plan a nice date night - spend a little extra special time together. You have no problem in the "rockin and rollin" dept so maybe some extra cuddle time before he leaves might help too.
Yes, I agree. Give him something to remember Saturday night. If you can hack it, I would suggest treating him well Saturday evening and acting confident. Not only for him, but prove it to yourself too. Nothing wrong with mentioning that you are a little anxious, but add that you can handle it.
Sounds like you've gotten great advice from everyone. I had a bit of a rough time when I went out of town by myself and left BF home alone. And also when he went for his first business trip even though OW never travelled with him.
I told him I was anxious about the upcoming trip and asked him to call every night (he does that every day here so I know he's still at the office and in the past he has always done so whenever he travels except when he's out of cell coverage). We did spend some quality time rockin' and rollin' before departure.
And this is the key for me: I've decided that I'm not going to worry about it anymore. He knows that if he does it again I am done, no questions asked. He knows that I will find out because I have no problem asking his boss or coworkers to verify his story, I have access to all his accounts, and I found out the last time so I'm certainly no dummy. Now it's up to him. It's his choice to be trustworthy or not.
Not that I don't worry occasionally. But I remind myself that I'm not his mother / chaperone. He's a big boy and his actions have consequences, both bad and good. When he does call every night and sends me copies of his credit card bill and identifies all the numbers on his call log then I thank him, cuddle him, get him special treats, etc.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 03/23/1007:35 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
These suggestions are very helpful. I do know that this will be one more hurdle to overcome and each time we get past something like this, we are getting that much closer to full restoration of the M.
I like the idea of quality time together before and after, being honest about it but not making too much of a big deal, and keeping in touch while he is gone. I do also plan to make some plans to do things for myself, with the kids etc.
Pearl, I think your point about coming to terms with not worrying about it is really important. I guess that is a big part of the detaching isn't it? I have also made it very clear that if this happens again I am done, the M is done. He knows this, and he knows I mean it. And, he knows I can and likely will find out, as I did the first time around. If he chooses that, he knows what the consequences will be and there is nothing I can do about it.
I think I would have liked more time before this happened, but there is nothing I can do about that either.
OK, I'm glad I posted this here before talking to H, because I think I would have made a bigger deal of it and it may have been another set back.
So, we talked about this last night and it went well.
From my POV there was good and some "not so good" that came out of this:
Good: H was very understanding and reassuring. He spent quite a bit of time reassuring me and likes the idea of going on a date Saturday night, is more than willing to meet my needs for keeping in touch while gone etc.
Not so good: The "reassuring" was mostly about him (telling me how he could never go through the stress of something like that again, how depressed he is, how he has nothing to offer anyone including me, how his health is now suffering etc etc) and about her (she was too demanding, she was emotionally and probably mentally unstable etc etc). So, after a while, I said something along the lines of "Do I factor into this at all?" To which he seemed surprised to hear me say that and said "Of course! I could never put you through anything like this again." To which I reminded him I never will go through anything like this again, we would be done. period. H: "I know".
I told him I would feel a lot more reassured if the reasons he gave were less about him and her and more about me and us. I was honest that I am struggling with his apparent lack of feelings towards me. He talked about how his IC is encouraging him that love is a decision and that as he chooses what is right (his M and family) the feelings will follow. He said he is choosing to believe that is true. I believe that is true, too.
But, I know my friends here will understand this like no one else can... this part of things is like adding insult to injury.
I have been cheated on, abandoned, and betrayed by the man I love and have been faithful to for over twenty years. And, despite the fact that I still love him deeply, he really "feels nothing" for me. So, on a day to day basis, I live with that... being able to sense and know that this is one sided. It rubs salt in the wound continuously.
It is most likely his depression that is causing this. But, somehow he "felt" for her... very intensely. Ouch.
I was honest with H that I am also choosing to believe the feelings will follow, but if they don't... at some point I may not be able to live with that. I don't know. Don't I deserve to know what it is like to have a man passionately fight for me, want me, adore me? Am I just a stupid hopeless romantic? Am I unrealistic?
Anyway, I guess that will sort itself out in time. In the meantime we have a plan for next week I can be ok with.
As a matter of fact, I am now starting to look forward to a break from him and the intensity of all this. GAL time!
