My husband went on a business trip to WA at the beginning of this month. He met a female co-worker there for the first time in person and spent some very late nights out with her. I was a little worried at the time and told him I didn't like him staying out all night with a single woman, but didn't make any accusations. Then the night he got back into town he started having late night phone calls and text messaging with her (I'm talking at 2:30 in the morning). He told me his second day back into town that he wanted to separate. I just discovered these phone calls a few days ago, but saw they began the night before he he told me about the separation.
I told him I felt it was very inappropriate to be having late-night conversations with female co-workers, since he is married and has a family. He disagreed, said they were just friends, and accused me of being controlling and not wanting him to have friends. But the texting and calls stopped for about 2 days. Well, they've started up again last night.
I don't have any proof of a PA happening when he was in WA, but I think there is possibly an EA going on. But he is in an all-fired rush to move us up to WA now, and he wants me to move despite the separation he wants. Previously to this business trip he hated the OW, would complain about her to me all the time, to the point where he was calling her so many nasty names I found myself defending her even though I don't even know her. Now they're like best buds, though I doubt she knows the awful stuff he's said to me about her in the past.
I'm not sure what to do or how to handle this. Do I confront him again and tell him I want him to stop, or do I just silently collect information for our possible D? I have cell phone records of hundreds of late-night text messages just from the last few days alone. I'm afraid if I push to much he'll find more covert ways of communicating with her and I'll be out my evidence of what's going on.
First off, he very likely doesn't want a divorce, he more likely wants to separate so he can have an affair safely. It's a classic manouver that spouses try. They want to test waters and want to come and go from their home as they please. They can't do that living there.
I think its likely more than half of the spouses here who are cheating separated first, then followed up with a PA.
Keep collecting INTEL for the moment.
Is OW married? I would guess no.
When he tells you that you are being too controling give him
"We have children in this home and a marriage to protect. I am protecting YOUR family. If you want to HELP me protect OUR family you would put that phone DOWN."
"If you two are just friends you won't mind me having a look at those text messages right?"
How much support do you have friends/family-wise who you can expose this to?
The idea is you want a team of people to put some additional pressure on him to knock off the EA.
My guess is not much if he's willing to move without much hesitation.
I've researched both TX and WA and found Texas to be preferable. I think I should also look into MI as that is where my family lives and I probably will go back there if H goes on to WA without us.
I haven't talked to a lawyer yet, but I have made a list of names/numbers and plan to get started on that after my first counseling session which happens to be tomorrow.
Still, I need a good idea of how to respond to all this late-night communication going on between H and OW. I want it to stop, i feel it is inappropriate, but I don't want to push them into going even more secretive with their communication. I don't want to be the jealous harpy wife either (although that's what I feel like at the moment). I have this huge urge to snoop through his computer, his phone, etc and I am trying to avoid that as it will cause more conflict and push him away. I feel really insecure right now.
As far as support from his friends and family, well they like me and they have all commented on his disrespectful treatment of me. I have already talked a bit with his dad about what is going on because his mom did something similar to his dad in their marriage. H's mom wanted to be separated but live together to keep up appearances and ended up having an affair and serving D papers, so his dad has been there. I did tell his dad about the OW and the late-night phone calls and texting, I also told him about the separation. H doesn't know I told him this stuff, but H does know that I WILL NOT be "keeping up appearances" just for his comfort. If H wants to separate (even separate but live together) I will not keep it a secret. H's response was to cancel all plans with his family for now so I won't be near them...
What is the fear I need to get rid of? Well, the first is obvious. I don't want to be left for another woman, and I don't want to push him towards this other woman. I fear that the future I've contributed to between us is going to crash and burn if I make the wrong move. What is effective? I really don't know at this point. It seems like everything I do is ineffective! What is the right thing to do? I need to take care of myself and make changes that will affect my life positively whether H is in the picture or not. I need to protect my son from poor examples of marriage and relationships, and I should get myself out of self-pity mode! Easier said than done, but I am trying! Looking forward to tomorrow's visit with the C so I can offload a bit.
Focus on "What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO, in each situation. What is the thing that God Himself would have me do, if He were standing right in front of me?" -- instead of on
"How will my husband react? Will he be angry? How will his reaction make ME feel?"
Penny Tuppy's confrontation and protection phases is what you have summed up here, she has an eBook that outlines them in detail, about 60 pp and worth every penny.
Some tips :
1. When discussing your H's affair with friends, family, OR with him refer to it as "infidelity", don't call it a "relationship" as this legitimizes something sleazy and destructive and puts it on the same level as your marriage, which it is indeed not. (Puppy also doesn't like the word "affair".. I am divided on that one...)
2. When revealing the infidelity to friends, family, and your H, refer to it as "exposing" rather than "telling".. again use of the word "telling" makes it sound like YOU are the RAT, which you indeed are NOT.
3. When exposing make sure they know
a. You want to save your marriage b. Infidelity is addictive c. You, your children, AND your husband will experience long term damage from infidelity d. You appreciate any active support they can offer to pressure Husband into ending his infidelity
4. Don't let your Husband bait you into conflict, he will SEEK it OUT to legitimize his cheating. He feels guilty which is partly why he wants to separate. As long as there is conflict between you two, he will feel justified in pursuing infidelity as a solution.
#4 is a definite!! That is the kicker...the easiest way for your H to legitimize what he's doing and gain support from others if he's actively seeking it...
See the L- start seeing a bigger picture...do not let H take you down...if you start to look weak and emotional- which, unfortunately is a natural response- you will make his decision for him.
Take care of the little ones, be the best Mom you can be, and take care of yourself...
Thanks so much for the great advice. H has been trying to bait me into conflict recently. I also noticed him fishing for information about what I know about him and the OW. I am making a real effort to keep my cool about all this.
I did notice he deleted all his text messages to her on his phone (grabbed it from my toddler who had gotten a hold of it to play with and decided to take a peek). This raises red flags for me, as he did something similar years ago online. He was IMing with some woman but had her screen name renamed as one of his guy friend's names so I would think the person on his IM was him and would only keep the logs deleted under that persons name. Well now it's the same with this woman and the texts. If he has nothing to hide why is she namelessly listed under his contacts as "work number" and why does he delete everything they say to each other?
Anyway, not raising to his bait will be a definite challenge to me, as well as not making snarky comments about his "girlfriend" (I'm ashamed to admit I made one earlier today). I'm going to try my best to take the high ground on this and be the better person. Easier said than done for sure!! Thanks also for the tips on how to talk to his friends and family.
So, just to make sure I've got this straight, I am keeping mum on what I know about his contact with the OW, and how much I'm watching. I'm not going to fight with him about it or anything else. I'm still not sure about talking to friends and family about H and the OW, I feel that just might push him away but I already talked to his father and I think I might talk to a mutual friend as well and see how it goes...
