She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[peace2u]

omg....i JUST had this episode with my H while all you guys were writing this.

I'm at work, mind you - and he starts an R talk on the phone....

And the whole time he's talking...I'm thinking everything you guys mentioned above. Am I supposed to let him get his words out? Am I supposed to validate his feelings even though they are DEAD wrong? Am I supposed to take charge and hang up on him?

Don't know..I ended up letting him talk while repeatedly giving him the strong hint that I needed to get my work done???... But he's an ALL together different story.

But, as for you, tbart...showing your W that you have yourself under control, without retaliating would be the best course of action. Get out of defensive mode - like try not to even go there. I get stuck there alot.

I agree with Coach and Steady, on how to handle it.

[tbart01]

Thanks peace I was waiting for you lend some advice. I don't ever bring up R talk, and I don't plan to be the one to do so.

[peace2u]

I know how you feel. The question was just entering my brain as H was talking to me this morning.

Am I giving him power by letting him get all his words out and me just sitting here taking it?

I couldn't have retaliated, if I wanted to, since I'm at work...

R talk is pointless. Use my H as a "WHAT NOT TO DO" example.

Yesterday, I found a note I wrote to him well over a year ago on his dresser. I read it and it deeply saddened me that absolutely nothing had changed. nothing except me being a stronger person, and my reaction to his schtuff....

dunno... I hope that's not the case for you. I hope that things will progress quickly in the best way for you.

It's just weird that all this happened today at the exact time you were all typing about the same subject. Coincidence? I think not.

[Coach]

Am I giving him power by letting him get all his words out and me just sitting here taking it?

Just as long as he doesn't cross any boundaries it's great. All of this has been bottled up and needs to be released. Be glad it is being released on you, it shows he still is emotionally involved with you. How many women complain that their husband doesn't talk to them? Focus on really listening. Empathise and validate when appropriate. It might not seem like it but it's good to have these kind of dialouges. Make sure you are engaged and responding, setting healthy boundaries and not allowing any mindreading.

If you have learned new tools for improving relationships then you are modeling good behavior for him. He is watching you more than you realise. You can handle it.

Cheers

[steady]

Validate - her feelings
"I feel like you didn't listen to me."
"I understand how you can see things that way."

Call out BS - facts, values

"You never listened to me."

"I can understand there are times I failed to listen. To characterise it as never is not true and I will not let you position me that way. I have listened and helped you on numerous occasions, (give examples.....)"

Don't let her tell you that you never or always act a certain way. Don't let her tell you how you feel or think.

Validate her but stand up for yourself.

This is why I love you coach...in a friendly kind of way...lol

It wasn't until I actually detached and saw I had nothing to lose that I really started to stand up to her cr@p. I can't explain the unbelievably positive feeling it gave me but I can say I was finally free inside. It was in me the whole time and I was just holding it back - holding back the power that follows and expression of yourself. I let it loose, and instead of it being destructive, it rebuilt me.

I could be me and not worry about anything. No eggshells. If I didn't agree, I said that. If I thought I was being abused I drew a boundary.

Just last week W and I had a disagreement. She was trying to tell me I didn't remember an episode with my S (she wasn't even there), I disagreed and she rolled her eyes.

The kids were there so I couldn't say what I wanted at that time. We parted ways and she had the kids. A very short time later I texted her:

"I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell me I don't remember something when I know for a fact I do remember. Also, please don't roll your eyes at me when we disagree - it's very disrespectful.

I'm drawing boundaries and standing up for myself. I'm not going to be disrespected or abused and take it.

Does she respect me for taking a stand. Who knows..the point is I don't care if she does or not. I respect myself. And that's the whole point of where I'm at - I don't need her validation or the validation of others. I can finally self-validate. I believe a woman will find that very attractive. (It's not that I don't care about other people's opinions, but the bottom line is I will decide where I am)

She had pulled the never and always cr@p. That's one of the few things I'd call her on when it happened.

[peace2u]

I'm drawing boundaries and standing up for myself. I'm not going to be disrespected or abused and take it.

That's something I need to work on, big time. But alot of the times I don't catch the abuse until later..in hindsight...since I've become sickly used to it.

[steady]

robX posted this on another thread and I thought it would be helpful here. It's along the same lines as what we've been talking about:


Let's get you started with some new points for you to consider going forward:
- you don't need to pursue your wife, create some space, move in the opposite direction. Human nature dictates we pursue what we want and don't have but it also dictates that we run away from things that pursue us
- you don't need to convince your wife that you're worth her approval, doing so communicates the opposite
- you don't have to be worried about rocking the boat, afraid to upset your wife, rock the f!@#$* boat, it's OK, you won't drown
- it's ok to mess up, don't worry about having alot to lose, technically you've lost it already but you're still worried about losing it, this is your anxiety talking and it translates in your body language and your actions towards your wife (a$$ kissing, supplicating, being overly nice, etc.)
- if she rejects you it will be the most important event of your life and the end of the world..... no it won't.
- you had better impress your wife as often as you can..... no you don't have to and it works against you if you try to do this
- you should let your wife be in control of the entire situation you're in.... no you don't have to do that, it's ok to stand up for yourself if you feel she is taking advantage of you or using or abusing you, remember you have self-respect (and if you don't have self-respect put it on your to do list of most important things to do)
- if your wife isn't interested in you, it must be your fault.... yeah partially but if another man is in the picture, there isn't much you can do about this except focus on living a great life for yourself and moving on, if she doesn't value you or the relationship she has with you, it's her loss, not yours, get into that mindset
- "Nice guys" finish first and you had better be "nice" to your wife.... well I can agree you can be nice but don't be a "nice guy" who lets her walk all over you, being a doormat is extremely unattractive

[steady]

peace I became very used to it also. You can still address it later on. It's best when it's in the moment, but you can take care of it later on.

I couldn't address that specific episode until later on because my kids were there. I still addressed it and didn't sweep it under the rug.

[steady]

It's just weird that all this happened today at the exact time you were all typing about the same subject. Coincidence? I think not.

Synchronicity baby. Just tells me we're on the right track at this given moment. It's a beautiful thing.

[tbart01]

I talked to my W yesterday for about 30 minutes. It was nothing significant, just about the kids, my health, her health, and small talk. It was nice to speak to her after a week.

I was looking through my Facebook and cleaning out old posts. I saw messages from thanksgiving and yesterday with her saying she loved and missed me. It was right after that the bottom fell out. I wish things could be like they used to be, but I know they can't.

I wish there was some kind of magic that would make her actually enjoy seeing me when I get off the airplane. Why does this have to be so painful? I just want the family that I left back.

Sorry, this is just me being sad. It happens from time to time, and with me so close to going home it's even worse.