During the month of March, I made tremendous strides in getting a life. I built a stronger relationship with my son, began working out and exercising, regained a positive attitude with all things excluding my wife, and generally began having fun with life again.
My wife and I live in the same house in different bedrooms. She started an online friendship which crossed the line sexually in the January period leading to our eventual meltdown when she shared with me that 1) she had reconnected with an old acquaintance and 2) she wanted to have sex with him. The meltdown nearly broke our relationship as I could not control my emotions and wavered on the - not in my house vs. patient husband routines. As time went on, I was able to contain my emotions and have been playing the patient husband routine much better.
All along, she has said this is just about sex while I have maintained that this is an emotional affair which she is looking to obtain something that I had not been providing in our relationship. Recently, she has begun to call it an emotional affair - I think to make me feel better.
This weekend, my wife will be flying out to have her weekend with the OM.
She told me last weekend that when she returns, she wants things to slowly fall back into place so that we can build our new relationship.
She doesn't want to talk about any of it - "that's when we get in trouble" she said.
I am not looking for advice on my move - I know what I am going to do. No, I am looking for input on how people have overcome emotional affairs. Is there a time for action and a time later in the rebuilding for talking?
My wife has been the one to suck it up in the past and I don't doubt this is my opportunity to do the same to save our relationship.
If this indeed was just sex and she goes through a period of detachment, when is a good time to involve the MC?
When she says "let's go slow", from your experience, what exactly does that mean?
Yea, if she goes to meet OM, she is out. Agreed with all of the above and they r being nice. She needs to end A today otherwise she is out of ur life. She doesn't deserve u. Give her what she wants and that doesn't include u or ur respect anytime soon.
H 33(me) W 32 SD9 SD8 S4 D3 mild S2years ago reunited but... SJune2009 more permanent
Sorry, I tried to condense a 20+ page post in the Feb timeframe to provide a bit of recap and new detail.
We have been married 16 years through college and into our working lives. I have had a few indiscretions in the past (10+ years ago) which she has overcome. Also, in the past 5 years, I was a slave to the monthly grind trying to make bills, save money, improve our credit, etc. We never went to bed at the same time, did not share any intimacy and for lack of a better term, died on the vine as it got to the point where neither of us were trying to be anything more than friends.
When she shared the idea in January with me, I lost it as the realization that everything in my life - relationship with Son, relationship with wife, 2 jobs I work, etc - were all in a sad state, even though I was "working" my butt off.
At the start of February, she was willing to break it off and work on our relationship. Quickly though, my emotional insecurity caused me to keep lashing out at her, "how could you do this", "I thought we were better than this". The more I couldn't handle the emotional weight, "the more I pushed her toward becoming selfish".
As of March, we were both working on ourselves but she had no desire to work on us. It was time for her to be selfish and do things for herself. She had shared with me that I was very controlling and had caused her to become a person she did not like.
I have been getting better with the role of being the patient husband - if she says this is sex, then get comfortable with her following through on it and establish boundaries when we begin working on the R.
I may come across as being un-manly for doing this. I am fine with that as my wife has been emotionally abused and neglected for a long time.
Does it make the EA right - no!
Am I doing what I need to in order to save my marriage - I think so.
I guess step 1 for me is establishing those boundaries when we slowly begin to work on it.
Mike...I'm sorry, but with respect to what you wish to do in your marriage; I think giving her a free pass to go have sex with another man is not justified even if you emotionally abused and neglected her. Ask any WAW and they'll probably all believe that they were neglected and emotionally abused in some fashion and they probably have been. But I will never believe that having an A is the proper response to that.
Counseling and changing behaviors within the marriage better protect the M. Allowing someone to have sex within the M is allowing them to become a swinger. It will destabilize and erode your M even further.
She will have a taste of this OM and, very likely, will want him again. What will be your move when she comes to you and says that she needs another weekend with him for "just" sex and we'll REALLY work on our marriage after I get back this time?
Yea, end this now. There is no justification for an affair. Either she leaves and wants to be with him, or she ends it to work on your marriage. There is no in between. Either do or do not but there is no middle ground here. You really need to make a stand now.
H 33(me) W 32 SD9 SD8 S4 D3 mild S2years ago reunited but... SJune2009 more permanent
We have been swingers in the past - which led to my indiscretions 10 years ago.
We were good with it 10 years ago as our relationship was strong.
Times have changed however and I don't find it appropriate.
If she comes back from the weekend and says she cannot break it off and focus on building our relationship, I will ask that she make other living arrangements in 30 days as I do not deserve to provide for a wife who has fully checked out of our marriage.
That's 2 problems right there. You are waiting till after the trip then giving her another 30 days. She is running the show right now and running all over you. She will string this along as long as she is with OM. Why would she stop? She has her fun with him, then when she wants the comfort of security, she goes to you. Take away the security and let her see what is life without it. If she chooses the fling, you can't control that. But you can control your manhood and your sanity.
And correct me if I'm wrong, cause I don't understand the whole rationale behind swinging.....but if you're swingers, doesn't that mean you are both unfaithful to your spouse at the time of participation???? That's kinda why it leads to what is going on now. And at some point, it's gotta suck that another man is inside your wife.
H 33(me) W 32 SD9 SD8 S4 D3 mild S2years ago reunited but... SJune2009 more permanent
