Starting Over (Again)

[Cautious]

Goals for yesterday were half done. I half avoided arguing, at least managed to walk away well. I half did the laundry. Some stuff happened with a friend, but I don't know the details at this time, so I'm giving him some space to sort it all out, but it definitely had an effect on me last night.

So tonight, I'm taking it easy on my goals and just finishing the other halves:
1. Finish laundry
2. Play the stupid game my son wants me to play/finish my homework for school (new class next week - woo hoo!)
3. Avoid arguing with ExCautious at exchange times tonight.

Reflecting on ExCautious's patterns of behavior, I think I have at least 5 months before he's going to start coming around and building from there will be hard. I expect the big change from him around September (our anniversary). If he's not seeing anyone then, he'll likely be getting nostalgic. This effect will be increased over the following months, as he will be gearing up for deer season, which, for whatever reason, has an emotional effect on him every year. If I can continue to be patient with the upcoming months and "play my cards right", I should be able to be where I wish we were now by about Christmas. If not, I'll at least have a couple years of GALing under my belt and be well on my way to a new job and a new life.

Some anger: I hate that I know ExCautious so well that I can predict his patterns of behavior as above, yet ExCautious keeps trying to fit me into a tiny shoebox of a limited amount of information he knows about me. And that info includes some incomplete data he doesn't seem to care to complete - because it's easier to see me as some kind of monster who makes firm decisions for "no reason other than spite". This has been an issue for a long time and will need some effort on both our parts if it is to be resolved. It has caused many issues and arguments over the years from the very beginning - one year, ignoring my repeated admissions that I am not a fan of jewelry, he balked at my reaction to a Christmas gift of a lovely necklace. It wasn't that I didn't like the necklace, I simply wasn't as excited about it as he had hoped, because, in his mind (due to commercial brainwashing probably), jewelry is the gift that gets the huge reaction from women. I hope that, should things go well, I might be upgraded to a hat box or something.

Last night's argument was slightly necessary, but I didn't handle it completely well: issue with son's imaginary play incorporating ExCautious's comments about alcohol consumption. I managed to walk away from it with SOME dignity and grace.

So I'm kind of crabby today, totally ready to get this week out of the way so I can move on to a new class and gear up for all the waiting I'll be having to do!