Can you talk to your H about the L and try to come up with an acceptable settlement for both of you im sure you may have already done this but I wasnt sure Yes the L will try to rack up fees unfotunately and at 350 an hr or more the fees add up fast but it did help my situatyion when I talked things thru with H there was fighting hanging up ect but eventually we signed and if we had not discussed it at length with all the fighting in betweeen hangups, im not sure if the L would ahve come to an agreement His L would always twist words and take off important matters in the papers and it weas unacceptable peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
HI Peace, I've tried talking to my H, but it never goes well since he is usually in a defensive/angry place with anything to do with the divorce.
I'm thinking of just asking him if his lawyer is sending him my lawyer's emails(as mine is doing)so he can see where the conversation is heading...
H unfriended me on facebook sometime in the last few days. When I figured out that I had one less friend and who it was, it hurt, so I know I'm not fully detached. This is the anniversary week of us meeting and going on our first date 22 years ago. The man who has said he would always be my friend can't even be my friend on facebook!
Its so stupid that these trivial things could hurt so much. It would be so much eaasier just to believe he is an evil person bent on hurting me..but I know he isn't evil. I don't see him hurting so its hard for me to be compassionate. It feels like he just wants my money and assets and to cut me out of his life forever.
Part of me wants to let him know that his 'unfriending' me hurt. I want him to know his actions affect(and often hurt) me. I have no hope of this marriage being salvaged. Why would I want to be married to someone whose actions hurt me, hurt the children and show no empathy or care? I guess I'll just sit with these feelings for awhile and see where that leads to.
Last edited by kjensen; 03/24/1003:04 PM.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
OP He did. I emailed him some financial info and said I noticed he unfriended me and that I felt hurt. Short, simple.
He responded that he had unfriended me when he was drunk after reading emails from or lawyers..he was hurt that my lawyer decribed my feelings that H could be making more money..blah blah blah...
So I called H to clear the air. We had two conversations this morning, the second one was good. My H said he would always be my friend, he would always care for me... So he "refriended" me...
I plan to still stay dim, but when H isn't reactive and defensive as he was during our first conversation, he seems more like the true H I know him to be... As H says 'he can be offensive when drunk'..the sad thing is he used to never get drunk..thats a sad, new development within his MLC.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
You're right D. Drinking, divorce, defensiveness, what else can I think of?...to avoid the pain within.
The thing that has always confounded me during this journey are the times when H sounds like 'himself', rational, thoughtful, even slightly empathetic ;)- makes me think that maybe H is 'sane' and really just doesn't want to be married to me anymore and I'm the one in deep denial.
Then H is irrational, defensive and reactive, acting juvenile and I can believe in MLC and see that perhaps I am the saner one at the moment...
So today I saw both Jekyll and Hyde, so-to-speak..H felt himself escalating during our first conversation, called a time-out and said he'd call me back in 10 minutes, which he did...and the second conversation was with my 'real' H..Kind of odd. Emotional for me. I felt slightly hopeful about a future with H after that second conversation, then just sad- because of the doubt that he is in MLC and maybe I'm just being left and he never loved me.
Those moments of seeing our 'old' spouse are hard-reminding us of what once was, of what we are missing...
Ah well..Spring Break is half over. D14 returned home tonight from the marching band trip to Disney, totally sunburned from time at the beach this morning in Florida..and a senior(guy-friend) in marching band asked her to prom..more things to figure out! Not ready for her to go to a prom! She's my baby!...but the adventure continues!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Not ready for her to go to a prom! She's my baby!...but the adventure continues!
Don't fight that, embrace it. I am watching this show on TV - Parenthood. The father is fighting with the 15 YEAR OLD DATING. Not good. From my own experience it never ends. Going thru some stuff with my D23. You think she is an adult and then she acts like a child. I just hope she learned some thing from this last "experience"
kjenson, I know what you mean when you say at times your H appears sane and rational and seems like the one you knew and then goes back to being the alien. I've seen this with my H too. Snodderly told me that yes, they do peek out of the tunnel at times and you will get glimpses of your old H. Then they slip back in to continue their journey.
The thing that has always confounded me during this journey are the times when H sounds like 'himself', rational, thoughtful, even slightly empathetic ;)- makes me think that maybe H is 'sane' and really just doesn't want to be married to me anymore and I'm the one in deep denial.
Mine is carring, almost loving sometimes it confuses you when they leash out half an hour later. I also observed that the "nice" is when I'm nice and agreeable to everything he wants. The moment he feels challenged in any way he leashes out.
Quote:
Then H is irrational, defensive and reactive, acting juvenile and I can believe in MLC and see that perhaps I am the saner one at the moment...
So true
Quote:
Those moments of seeing our 'old' spouse are hard-reminding us of what once was, of what we are missing...
Also reminds me that the person I love is still in there somewhere
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
You know that is one of the things I've been struggling with. You see the old spouse but they still want no part of you so you start to think "Are they just done?". I think that's why it's important to be detached all the time. When I see my old wife, I get sucked back in so easily and then when the MLC behaviors start again, I get crushed. I have to remind myself it's all part of the journey.
