rr22 has some good advice. There is a very good reason why everyone says take care of you. THERE IS NO WAY YOU WILL FIX YOUR H. The IC in my opinion missed this completely. Go to the MC if you are getting more out of it. You can care about H just not care for(read your not going to participate in the drama and try to fix it). It feels like lately he might be coming around but this stuff is all new drama. He is in crisis and he's trying to drag you in. His mother is scolding him like a child and that is the last thing he wants to hear right now. That's why he wants to move to Afghanistan.
My wife has PTSD and she is in crisis. She is/was not necessarily mean to me she is mean to herself so she is the victim and I tried my darndest to fix the situation. I almost drove myself crazy. It hurts to see the person you love go through this pain. You have 3 choices here. 1) You can live with this person and be consumed by the crisis-caring for, trying to fix,etc. (this would be status quo) 2)Leave 3)Detach from the situation and become healthy yourself with the goal that when the person decides to help their situation you can piece a new marriage together.
#1 Is not healthly, it is a Codependent relationship (lose scenario) #2 easiest but you still have to heal and forgive (lose your marriage) #3 The path that requires the most work but is healthiest for you(potential win/win)
I have been talking to you about this so I know I am repeating myself. You have to heal anyway so why not do it when there is a chance that your H may decide to get well. You may be of great help to him if he decides to do it.
How do you handle yourself currently? Tell him that getting involved in all this drama (pick a different word) is not safe for you. That you care about him but that right now his problems are his to figure out. He feels you pulling away and that's why he's getting upset. He needs to feel that I think otherwise it's status quo. If I can just get Lola back into my game then I'll feel better. He is in crisis but you don't want to be the jesus crisis (I just came up with that I think I'm going to use it!) Seriously, you can still care about him without being a victim of the drama or trying to fix it.
My W rarely contacts me unless I initiate it. She is in depression and still involved in A. I want so bad for her to feel better but that will not happen. She's got to stand on her own. She is not even facing the pain she's avoiding it with OM. Your H was avoiding it and he's trying to continue to avoid it. Part of the pain is that they will not have us in their lives anymore at least not under their terms or the terms of your old marriage.
Most people you talk to won't understand what your doing. I have come up with a short answer if people ask. My wife was abducted by aliens. These are not the nice aliens like in Cacoon. So she's out there flying around with them and until they bring her back I'm just going to wait right here.
People usually laugh. It is sufficient to satisfy their curiousity about my situation (why I am not with my W) and puts the blame on something we can't control-ALIENS! Which is really the truth. These people are not our spouses right now.
Only they can decide when they've had enough pain and we don't want them until they do. So door #3 detach, be patient, wait, and have hope.
Grit
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
