Will I ever be forgiven???

[sandi2]

I am so blessed that I have a H who understands forgiveness and can apply it. If it had been turned around, I don't know that I could have done it. He showed trust in a huge way. He did not demand transparency like it is suggested here by many people......but he did not have DBing tools, he just did what he thought was right for him. It must have been so hard to not check up on me, and I think he probably did check the computer history out for quite some time.....but it did not bother me b/c I owed that to him.

The main thing that I appreciated in my H was that he never threw it up in my face. He doesn't mention OM or what I did. He knows that that was not "me" and that I am back to my old self. What I learned is that I am capable of doing things that I used to look down my nose at others, so when or if I ever recognize that I am having signs of problems that sucked me into that realm.....I will be asking for help before I let it pull me in. I can look back and see where the condition I was in made me a perfect canidate for an EA. That's why I said that people have to protect themselves.

Forgiviness has to be an act of "will"and it takes time for the "feelings" to come. I have had to forgive others for different things in my life, but forgiving myself of an EA was the hardest thing I've ever faced. I have found that I have to continue to do it over and over again. Maybe that is what the S has to do also.

Forgiviness is never about "deserving". The wayward S does not deserve forgiveness. None of us really deserve forgiveness of anything, but it is for the wellfare of the one who is doing the forgiveness. It sets you free when you forgive. It heals both parties. Unforgiveness turns into terrible bitterness and that can be the foundation of all sorts of diseases. The S that was betrayed owes it to himself/herself to be able to set themselves free of unforgivenss and move on with living.

I am never easy on the S that has an A. But, I think in some cases I am more understanding than I use to be.

Thanks for listening.