I didn't mean to sell you short. I'm sure you are! It is just mindfull is a hoot! And sort of my first.
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I know that most women would adore a man who went out of his way to pick out nice pieces for her (I'm definitely on that list!) but it sounds like your W isn't one of them.
Hey it *is* more affordable for me.
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What were her complaints about you? About the marriage?
I think she has valid complaints. I'm no stellar husband. She asked for more affection. Now, she didn't ask for affection in an action oriented way. BTW, I love that phrase "action oriented". Our last couples session I validated her need for affection, but I said I needed an "action oriented" way she wanted it shown. The counselor literally said, "Oh. I like that" and started scribbling furiously. Hey. If nothing else I haven't lost my sense of humor and found that funny. Seriously, though, she wants more hugs, kisses, and hand holding. I guess I find that hard to do when I feel partially abandoned and neglected most of the week.
She also wanted more sex. It is not like we have a desolate sex life. We don't have kids, so sex is on the menu pretty much every night. It is usually 1-2 times a week. Sometimes more, but sometimes only a couple times a month. Never less than twice a month. I'll probably get some angry readers, but to her that is a problem.
Third, she wanted to spend more time together. Usually that means going to company picnics, company X-mas parties, company softball, company volleyball. Although to be fair some of it is family or non-company related. She said,"I work all week. I would rather not spend my weekends cleaning or working on the house."
I think if given her way, we would hire maids, gardeners, contractors, decorators, mechanics, etc. I have a hard time letting someone do something I can do myself. I need to pick my battles and let some of that go.
She also wants me to be more communicative. She has me there. I'm not the best conversationalist. It could be worse, though. She could have married my brother. I come from a very long and proud line of strong, but silent men. And sometimes mumbling. It is on my action plan for self-improvement and I am seeing some success.
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Has your love life slacked off due to her weight gain?
Umm.. not really. If I'm in a crappy mood, and I see her undressed, I can be very mentally critical. Once she is in bed, I really don't care. It just seems like bad timing and not asking for what you want. She will say, "we are having sex tonight". And I say okay. But after cleaning up after dinner, doing the dishes, taking out the trash, cleaning the litter boxes, and just getting to sit down for few minutes, she is asleep in bed by the time I get there. Add a long bike ride in there, and it just seems like another chore to do.
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It appears that she believes you don't find her attractive.
Can't agree more. We have had 3-4 discussions about her weight in the last 13 years. I can tell you she remembers every single one. And it's true. I fear waking up one day and not being sexually attracted to her. I also fear I'll be hit by a bus, end up in a wheelchair, and she resents taking care of me. Or she gets Alzheimers on her 70th B-day and I resent taking care of her. I have all these fears and more, but I guess we just have to live in the moment and accept that none of us have a crystal ball.
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She probably doesn't feel good about her personal appearance so she chooses to focus on things that do make her feel good. OM came along and made her feel good about her looks and that does something for her.
I agree, but then what about everything else? What else am I supposed to do? That is why I reached out to the group. What is going on here? MLC, A, depression, mixture of all three? Does the diagnosis even matter? Her valuing of self-worth through work started a long time ago. I think she has been carrying this negative body image and low self-esteem for a lot, lot longer.
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Right now, continue to work on yourself.
Got it. If only I can get my friends to stop recommending that I start nailing everything in town. I guess some folk need to live vicariously.
