You know. I think I need to get a life tonight. I am going out for Sushi too.
Me: 45 WAW: 45 | M22 | T25 | No Kids Nov 09 W Filed | Dec 09 Separation Mar 17 2010 Divorce Papers Signed | Divorce Hearing Cancelled Moved back home May 2010 PA Confirmed June 2010 | W left Dec 7 2010
mrbt, I hope you got some sushi tonight--because I didn't!!
I arrived at the sushi place at the appointed time, and H was still sitting in his car, waiting. He waved me over, so I walked over and got in. H and I sat in his car for 2 1/2 hours and talked. Needless to say, we never ate any sushi. Right off the bat, he told me that he is seeing a lawyer on Thursday to see what his options are. Options for what, you ask? He says he's going because he doesn't know what to do and wants to know some options.
Here are some reasons to visit a lawyer (according to him):
*I don't want to be around him *I have never needed him *I think he makes me unhappy *I acted happy the last time we had dinner, and he was really, really sad (yes, this came up AGAIN) *I don't need to worry that he wants anything. It all belongs to me, anyway.
We talked and cried--both of us. He said he wants to see me more but hasn't come around because he doesn't think I want to see him and that it would be easier for me if he didn't come around. [None of these things has ever come out of my mouth.]
I also got this: "I thought about things and decided that I hadn't been happy for a while. Then I thought about whether I could ever be happy there again. And I decided I didn't think I could." Translation: D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N.
However, he told me multiple times that he loves me (not past tense--present tense) and that he worries about me every day (my health, my safety). During most of the discussion, he had his hand on me (my shoulder, my knee, my hand) and hugged me several times. He told me over and over how sorry he was for making me sad and that it's all his fault that I'm sad.
He asked if he should come over this weekend. He has also suggested that we go to dinner one night next week. Curioser and curioser. [You literary types should like that reference.]
As we were parting, he once again mentioned his great sadness (which he mentioned multiple times during our discussion), and he mentioned being emotionally overwhelmed. At one point, he had also mentioned that he worried that I hated him or was going to hate him in the future.
This is SOOOOO confusing! Not that it wasn't before, I guess. I don't know what to make of this evening. And H? He's all over the map.
My thought is this: If you love someone, if you're sad about your marriage troubles, if you miss this person, and if you want to see them more than you currently see them, then you don't get a divorce. I know I've greatly simplified this, but does this not make sense???
It could be depression. Or it could be guilt and sadness about an A that hasn't worked out. Very tricky. Have you read the DR chapter on depression? Also read about male depression...men tend to externalize their depression and blame it on others. hugs 8, that is confusing.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
rr22, I can honestly say that there was nothing Stepford about me tonight! He's been wanting some real emotions and real sharing, so he got them. He's so much more emotional than I, but I gave him plenty of my authentic feelings and thoughts. I allowed myself to be comforted, which I know is important to him. It is not something that I need, but I have learned that he needs it.
Another thing that's weird about getting together with your H is this--the awkward politeness that comes with these weird interactions. We stumble over each other being super-polite in ways that we never did when things were better for us.
He's taken no steps (IC, lots of exercise, or psychiatrist visit and meds) since, right? According to my IC, depressions can just "lift" like they came, but it can take an awfully long time and sometimes they don't.
Hang out with him this week and ask hiim to take the focus off you for a month and please put it on himself and what he can do that doesn't involve you or your R to make himself happy every day. Try to reframe it maybe? Without suggesting meds and all that?
He might D you thinking it will rid him of his obsessive thoughts, but it won't if it's depression. He'll still have the obsessing.
What a mess. Sorry tonight went this way. On with the rollercoaster.
How long do you think you can tolerate this? Twelve months?
I have read the DR chapter on depression, but it's definitely worth a re-read. I also recently purchased the Depression Fallout book, but I haven't gotten started yet. Guess I know how I'll spend some of my weekend.
Thanks for weighing in, flowmom. This is making me crazy. That's not hyperbole, either. I could go insane from this!
Maybe he feels unsuccessful compared to you and is obsessing about it. His resentment towards the house and mentioning of your mother's pension was going on earlier as well and here it comes up again. Sounds like resentment and or insecurity. Is there anything you can do to help H reframe this belief?
Tell him you're sorry he got that impression that you think those things, but you don't and never have and that neither of you can mindread.
Ask him how many times he would like to see you a week and offer to get out your datebook. Make him own some of the solutions to these complaints and you will find out whether the complaints shift to something else and he refuses to try to solve any of them. If so, then it's WAS or depression script, I guess.
Good night. Here's your virtual sushi rolls: @@@@@
I'd say the depression has been ongoing for some time, and he stopped taking his medication several months ago (not sure on the exact number of months because I didn't fully realize it until after he had gone to stay with his mother).
He has not been exercising, has not seen a doctor or counselor, and has not resumed any medication. He has lost about 35 pounds and told me tonight about his poor sleep patterns. It could not be more obvious to me, but I didn't dare mention it to him.
I can tolerate it as long as I have to. I told him tonight that I was okay with things being in a holding pattern. I also made it very clear that I did not want a divorce and would not go merrily along with signing anything that dissolved our marriage.
Though I've been frustrated and likely will be again, I am an incredibly patient person. I'm more patient than most people, and my job has also helped me acquire a seemingly endless supply of patience. I can go as long as he can.
